Rensselaer Union, Volume 9, Number 34, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 May 1877 — SENSE AND NONSENSE. [ARTICLE]

SENSE AND NONSENSE.

Mortgage on a church it Satan In the front row of pews.—Drtreat Free Press. A Rhode Idland mule kicked a boy into Massachusetts the other day. A New Jersey girl who was Invited to go fishing said she had plenty of hook* and eyes. A Parliamentary fowl—the hen that made a motion to lay on the table.— Punch. The saddest moment of a boy’s life is when the circus music strikes up and he hasn’t any ticket to go in. ” William,” said Emeline, “what do you see in thosa wild, wild wavesT” “ Sea foam,” curtly answered William. An Irishman was once asked why he wore his stockings Inside out. “ Because there is a hole in the other side,” he replied. “ I am astonished, niy dear young lady, at your sentiments; you make me start.” “ Well, I have been wanting you to start for the last hour.” “ Here, James, take this key, rope ladder and parachute, and show the gentleman up to 1,152. Lunch at two a. m., sir, if you can’t sleep ’’ There isn’t any Centennial this year, but Philadelphia sends out generous invitations for people to come there and spend money seeing where the Centennial was. A somewhat simple woman was asked whether her husband feared God, and replied : “ I guess he does, for he never goes out on Sundays without taking his gun. with him.” A minister who had twice married the same couple—a divorce ensuing between the two marriages—remarked that he didn’t wish to add a repairing department to his business. Sugar is a sign of being ripe—in apples, in pears, in figs, in men. Some men think they are ripe because they are acid; that may do for cranberries, but not for men.— Becker. Some base-ball players are paid larger salaries than ministers of the Gospel, but we have not yet heard of a minister offering to exchange places with a base-ball player. —Harristown Herald. “ I am afraid it’s mixed goods,” said the lady to the clerk. “O, no, madame, impossible,” repliedlhe polite gentleman, “ all our camel's-hair shawls ere made of pure silk direct from the worm.” “ Have you any boned turkey ?’ ’ asked a hungry customer in a Nevada restaurant. The proprietor laid his hand on his revolver, and cried, “No insinerations here, young man. We’re honest hero, and don’t * bone’ nothin’.” American boots are selling in London at fifty cents less a pair than in our own country. But the price will have to fall at least another half dollar before it will pay us togo to London to buy American boots.— Norristown Herald. The report that Tom Thumb haa grown to be a six-footer within the last three months by simply sitting under blue glass proves to be a canard. One can ’ardly believe half the stori es one sees about blue glass, anyhow.— Norristown Herald. A woman last winter entered a store tn Connecticut, and sat down in front of an iron safe to warm her feet. After sitting some twenty or thirty minutes, she remarked tnatshe “never did like them kind of stoves—they don’t throw out scarcely any heat, those gas-burners don’t.” 1 The Massachusetts papers are discussing the question “ May Cousins Marry ?” We should hope so. We don’t see why a cousin hasn’t as good a right to marry as a brother, or an uncle, or a son or sister. They all get used to cousin’ after they marry, anyhow.— Burlington Hawk-Bye. In a fashionable family the word “ style” is often used, and such distinction given to it that the youngest—a child of six or seven— on retiring for the night, was heard to make this addition to “Now I lay sue down to sleep”: “God bless dear papa and mamma, and oh, dear Lord, make us very stylish.’*

The unprincipled scientist who has discovered a new variety of cockroach in Florida probably would not have expended any labor in such research if he had ever been in a newspaper office and seen one of the old standard kind rise up over the top -of a mucilage bottle and inquire if there were any hew discoveries at Mycense.—Norwich Bulletin. ‘ '*• A female from me country called for a Welch rarebit at a Washington-etreet restaurant, and denounced the waiter because there was no part of a rabbit in the dish served. “And no later than yesterday,” said the wearied waiter, “ there was a man in here who growled because there was a hare in the butter; can’t please ’em all, anyway.”— Boston Bulletin. Death from hydrophobia is painful, according to all authorities; but friends of the afflicted at least may have the Consolation of knowing that the dog, under ordinary circumstances, is a noble animal, and the friend of man. Even this comforting reflection is now in some instances to be snatched away; for the cat is developing ability as a maker ot madness, and the cat, everybody knows, is neither a noble animal nor a friend of man, whatever women may think of the subject.— Chicago Tribune.

A young man having a claim of fifty dollars to collect,took it to a lawyer The latter, upon inquiring, no sooner heard that his cnent’s name was George Jones, than She seized him by the hand, fervently shook it, exclaiming: “My dear fellow, how fortunate you are! Why, I know your father well; in fact, he was my firstclient. , I shall take particular pains for you in this matter.” A few daj-s later the young man received a note from the lawyer, informing him that the collection had been made. He called upon him and was handed a roll of bills As he was count-” ing them the lawyer reiterated his remark about the young man’s good fortune in coming to him, who knew his father, etc. The young man, however, looked any* thing but happy, for he found but fifteen dollars in the roll. The lawyer, noticing this, said: “ Why, my dear;fellow, what seems to be troubling you ?” “ Oh, nothing,” the young man replied, “ nothing. I was only thinking how lucky I am that you .didn’t know my grandfather.”—-Re-fornur.