Rensselaer Union, Volume 9, Number 27, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 22 March 1877 — Street-Cars-Important to horse-Rallread Patrons. [ARTICLE]

Street-Cars-Important to horse-Rall-read Patrons.

■ith a therind the atIt ideas of heat or cold. The bell-strap will be within easy reach iMSKSiVLStSSS pleasure. Big market-baskets, drunken men and bowling babk* are desired, and will be specially oared for. A three-ply carpet will be pnt down «very trip for all who apply for It, and if they prefer ingrain, the company will get it if they have to give an oat for It • In addition to the ordinary bell-punch, ovary passenger Who is not already prc. vHled with a slick or .umbrella to punch the coaduetor with when they with to attract his attention. Gentlemen wishing to swear at the conductor or driver will he furnished with a printed list of choice expletives. Stroking will be allowed, and gentlemen chewing tobacco are at liberty to make themselves as disgusting as if they were a: home. The car will be backed up on demand to any lady's residence, and the conductor will bring down the babies and bagKge from the fourth story. People who ve got into the “ wrong car” can stop the same on steep grades, crossings and curves, and receive their money back. Ample time will be afforded lady passengers boarding or leaving the car, to take a long farewell of their friends, and relate the salient points of the family history. The conductors will be uni form el in dress suits, white kid gloves, and wear buttoiH&ole bouquets. They will be able to speak all known, and several unknown, languages, answer all questions promptly and intelligently, be familiar with the names of all the streets; numbers of the houses and names of the occupants; able to tell the time that all steam trains start and where they stop; know to a minute how long it will take their car to reach any given point, and willing to point out all objects of interest ou the rente. They will have eyes in the back of their heads and be competent to collect fares, punch tickets, make change of bank-bills of any denomination, wait upon passengers inside the car, start and atop the same, pick up passengers at any distance, at one and the same time. They will also Cheerfully accept the situation that they steal from. the conupany and conspire against the passengers" and will enjoy being bull-dozed and nagged by both. The drivers will be dressed in complete and elegant English coaching costume nod will be able to manage a spirited four-in-hand, man the brakes, keep their temper, curse any teamster dumb in thirty seconds, be responsible for all people who wish to roll off the front platform under the wheels, stop their teams to allow unprotected females to enact the role of a frightened hen in the roadway, stop and •start to suit everybody, never get the car -off the track, always be on time, never -expect the passengers to look at the car for thflfonte or destination, willing to pull > up promptly and answer questions for any length of time and in ail weathers. this new and improved car will be put -upon the street on the Ist of April next, on which occasion all the hopeless idiots who ride in street cars are invited to take free ride. —Boston Commercial Bulletin.