Rensselaer Union, Volume 9, Number 19, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 25 January 1877 — A LIVELY LUNATIC. [ARTICLE]

A LIVELY LUNATIC.

When the news arrived that the good ship Ladybird whs lost at sea with all hands, and that young Frank Raeburn, who was on board, was consequently drowned, all the world (that is to say, all Raeburn) knew what would become of the Raeburn estate. Poor Frank was tlie last heir in the main line, and he was coming home to claim his inheritance whenihe perfidious ocean swallowed him up. According to his father’s will the estate went to a distant cousin, who im- '* mediately announced his intention of selling it, as he hated the country. It was a fine estate, with a capital house on it and many other advantages “ too numerous to mention,” as an auctioneer would say; but when the said cousin exhis intention of selling it he Emitted to take a certain person into his - icMcal£tiona v ,ij i - ; That person was Mr. Jeremiah Bollop. Similatiy; when Tom Lindsay, a young surgeon who had come to settle in Raeburiij made up his mind that Rose Motton would be a capital wifo for a doctor, he, too, calculated without Mt. J. Bollop, for Rose happened to be that individual’s niece, and, among his many prejudices, Mr. Bbllbp had an inveterate hatred of doctors. --That hatred arose from his having once A bestowed .a, whole bottle of lotion prescribed for himself upon a favorite aog, which died in twenty minutes, the said lotion being only for outward application. Mr. Bollop, wfio was not of a logical turn of mind, arguing therefrom that if lie had rubbed on the dluff it would have •skilled him. The inference was unfair to the profession, but the prejudice remained. To return, however, to the efforts to get rid of the Raeburn estate. The property would not sell, sirflply because Mr. Bollop was the agent who' had served the Raeburns for years, and who, having : made up his mind by some process known only to himself, that Frank Raeburn was not dead, artfully prevented any intending purchaser coming to terms for the house and land. The cousin, who desired to sell, could .not understand how it was that so many Would-be purchasers held back After they had once seen the house; but then he did not know Of the series of outrageous falsehoods tvith which the unscrupulous Bollop deluded apy one whp came near.the place. To one hypochondriacal old gentieman he abused the drains; to a nervous spinster lady he averred on his oath that the house was haunted, and painted such a vivid picture of the ghost t’.at she dreamtJrßtfqr.pttqUlM afterward. There ■ i wp'mbital shooting;’Bw “he told a sportsnmp who came to look after it'that there not a bird on the place, tn short, he jgavt, Raeburn Such a bad character that ■vJflh »ne would buy it, and, much to the |£«hjp:in of, the cousin who inherited it, i'emained pnsold and unlet up •if to me time when our story begins, about ... «w« yeare after ‘the news of Frank Raebujto’3 Mhrtwt be added thal, even had the cousin found out Mr. Boilop’s .machinatiottSi hiA could hardly We put a stop to than., for the irrepressible agent was a ' fixture aa the estate, Frdnk Raeburn’s father having given him the/eettage and land hot far froth the Manor W *Jf.' * . 7"-" ■' - imihvwerert fenfetfl poeltton when Dr. Tom, going hia rounds in the village, happened, as was hot unfreqtiently the case, 1 fcfoeMMW JtNe UfciU* wajk in the 'saffiedireettta. BhelookCd ho bright and happy that Tom was quite surprised, and

said, as soon m he came up to hej: •‘Well. Rosie, whatmakesyou look ao ■pleased? Has the old Griffin come round just as well the .Griffin doesn’t -hear you, air,” said Hxm,“or I’m sure he would never come round; but I’ve got some newt for you. ” “ Well, out with it,” laid Tom. “The fact is/’ continued Rose, “ the Griffin, as you tall him, is in difficulty, and I think you might help him with advantage to yourself.” , What? Is the old man seedy?” said Tom. “If so, I’ll teach the old rascal a m respect for the profession if once r the Phannacopieia to bear upon him.” No, no, you horrid man;” said Rose; “ he’s not ill, but he’s had an application for the estate from a gentleman, and it’s quite evident that this bidder won’t be stalled off by any of uncle’s stories.” “ Well,” said Tom, “ what can I do?” d I don’t know, but I have suggested to my uncle that you Might be able to help in some way, and, while he kiadly reImarked that you were no use as a doctor, he was gl»od enough to say that you were not quite a fool in other tilings.” “I’m much obliged to hitn,” said Dr. Tom; “ but, even supposing lam able to help him, why should I do so? he’s always thwarting me.” If? "Oh! if you don’t know why you should help him,” said Rose, demurely, “ I’m sure I can’t tell you.” “ I see it, you little witch,” cried Dr. Tom, excitedly; “I’ll make a bargain with old Bollop. Rosie, you’ve the clev. erest little brain that was ever put into a pretty head. When does your uncle want to see me?” Well, I think you had better look in this evening. He’s very much excited about the business, and the sooner you see him the better,” said the sage young lady, who certainly deserved Tom’s praise. And then the lovers continued thenwalk ; but, as their conversation was as idiotic as ail talk is under similar circumstances, it need not be reported, and we may pass on to the interview in the evenfir. Jeremiah Bollop was seated in his arm-chair after dinner, engaged in the steady consumption of port wine. But, however gratifying to the palate might be the liquor he was imbibing, it was plain that it didnot exercise a tranquilizing influence cm his nervous system, for no one, as far as outward appearances ■went, could look in a worse temper. Mr. Bollop—or, as his friends called him, Jerry Bollop—was a partly man of about sixty, strong and hale i» .appearance, with a nose and countenance which Icoked all the more rubicund in contrast with his snow-white hair. He was very irascible, and when we find him sitting at his dessert his mental thermometer is at boiling point. If a man is in a passion, port wine is not exactly the stuff to allay bis rage. And as he tossed off glass after glass Jerry grew more and more irate, ana his countenance shone like the sun in a fog, until he resembled a semi-intoxicated volcano, ready to favor the world with a violent eruption at any moment. He was in this stage when Dr. Tom was announced. Lindsay had no sooner made his appearance than Bollop, throwing a letter to him, roared out, “Sit‘ down; help yourself and then read that, and tell me if it isn’t enough to make a man swear.”

Tom did as he was told and read the letter. It was from the Hon. Ferdinand Flittertip in answer apparently to one of Bollop’s, pointing out m vivid colors the disadvantages of Raeburn. The, Hon. Ferdinand, writing in the blandest manner possible, said he would soon have the drains put right, and added that he doted on ghosts, they were so romantic; so it was evident Bollop had played his best cards and made nothing by them. Mr. Flittertip further said that he should arrive on a certain day and look over the place. “Pretty cool,” said Tom, returning the epistle. “ Pretty cool!” shouted Bollop, nearly swallowing a wine-glass in his rage; “ I call it freezing—below zqro—bursting the bulb of any thermometer that ever Was made! He’s a perfect refrigerator! Don’t I give him good reasons why he shouldn’t take the house, and still he persists in doing so?” “It is aggravating,” said Tom, sympathetically. “ Aggravating; it’s a raw, a blister. What am Itodo ? The man’s mad.” The last word gave Dr. Tom an idea. He said: » “ You want to get rid of this man, Mr. Bollop?” * x “ Of course I do.” “ Very well, I think I can manage it for you,” said Tom. “ Can you! I shall be eternally grateful, and you shall have anything it is in my power to give you if you do it,” said Bollop. “ That’s a bargain,” Tom said. “If I disgust Flittertip with the place you will give your consent to my marrying Rose.” “Rose,” said Bollop, taken aback. “You’re sharp, young man, but I’ve given my word, and I’ll stick to it. Rose is yours if Flittertip is vanquished.” They had a long consultation, which we may pass over, and come to Flittertip’s arrival. It was a fine morning, the sun shone brightly on Raeburn House, making the large garden show to the best advantage, when the Hon. Ferdinand Flittertip and his wife drove up to the door. A servant came out to attend them, and as they descended from the carriage a curious apparition showed itself on the lawn. It looked in the distance like a stout gray-haired gentleman arrayed in particolored garments, with a large bouquet in his button-hole, and crowned with a fantastically arranged wreath of flowers, This creature was executing a pae eeul among the geraniums, and occasionally emitting snatches of song. Flittertip and his wife gazed in bewilderment at this strange figure as it waltzed away and Was fiaally lost in the shrubbery, and they were just about to put some questions to the servant when Tom Lindsay appeared at the door of the house. “The Hon. Mr. Flittertip, I presume,” said Tom, politely. “I must introduce myself. I am Dr. Lindsay, a resident here; and as my friend, Mr. Bollop, is slightly indisposed he has asked me to show you over the house.” Flittertip, who was a dandified elderly man, with a very affected manner, bowed politely and expressed his thanks, and the party went into the house. Both he and his wife had been very much puzzled by the apparition witnessed on their arrival, but they said nothing. Dr. Tom was a conscientious cicerone, and showed them all over the house. He also pointed out the beauties of the view from several of the windows, and when he did so, Flittertip was almost certaid he saw th? figure which had appeared upon the lawn, dancing somewhere in the distance.

After they had made the tour of the house, they preceded to explore the garden and park. At one extremity of the latter wm £ wall which divided KMT burn grobnoadrem the little bit of 4apd' and the bodied “it, which belonged shock which brought them down as ff they had been shot. Tom Lindsay was just saying “ That, Mr. Flittertip, Is Mr. Bollqp’s bouse, with about an acre of ground belonging to it/’ when the figure Flittertip had seen on the lawn darted up from behind the wall, looking more maniacal than ever, With the wreath over one eye and a* basket on one arm filled apparently with flowefs, apples and tomatoes, With which U’flpmh menced to pelt the paralyzed IMittertlpand his companions. “Good fraclops!”stammered Flittertip, “who is that, Dr. Lindsay,” while Mrs. F. fairly took to her. heels and /led, the figure on the wall skillfully Mhdfhg a ripe tomato on the small of her back as she scuttled off. “ If you will come away, Mr. Flittertip,” said Tom, who did not offer, hoy?v-, er, to move himself I will endeavor-tart explain.” • “ Bleed him, doctor! bleed him!” shrieked the figure on the wall, “That’s what he wants!’’and a dexterously thrown apple caught Flittertip on the nose, at which he turned and.’ rgn.;ofli>-likejps wife, Dr. Tom following, after exchanging a confidential wink with the wearer of the wreath, who continued to pelt Flittertip until he was out of reach. “ And now, sir,” gasped Flittertip, as he supported Mrs. F. to a garden seat, “ perhaps you will explain this extraordinary occurrence. Who was that unearthly individual?” “ My dear sir,” said Tom,politely, “no one can regret this matter more than I do. That, sir, was my unfortunate friend Mr. Bollop, who is in one of his paroxysms to day.” “Mr. Bollop! Paroxysmal what-do you mean ?” “ Simply, sir, that my friend has fits of madness.” “ But he wrote to me quite sanely—-I have his letters,” “No doubt. These fits only come on occasionally, and in the intervals he is sensible enough." “ Mad enough when they do come bn,” said Flittertip, irritably. “ And am Ito understand that Mr. Bollpp has the freehold of that place, and will continue to reside there ?” “ Certainly,” said Lindsay. “ Oh, Ferdinand,” murmured Mrs. Flittertip, “ let us leave this place; how can we exist with that awful lunatic next door. Oh, horror, there he is again I” And the poor lady cowered down in fright, for careering over the grass in the distance they saw their late adversary sportively chasing a flock of sheep. Flittertip looked thoughtful; and they all walked to where the carriage was waiting. Before going away he said, “ I am deeply sorry for your friend, Dr. Lindsay. May I ask if it would hurt him if 1 had an interview with him; though I'm afraid my purchase of the estate will be out of the question now.” “ I dare say you can see him,” said Lindsay, with some doubts in his mind. “ Very well, I will call on him the day after to-morrow,” said Flittertip, and they drove away. They had no sooner gone than the supposed'lunatic came up in high glee to Lindsay. . “Well,” he said, roaring with laughter, “ didn’t I do the trick beautifully. Did.you ever see anybody so geared, ’and how magnificently I tomatoed the old girl in the back.” And Mr. Bollop began to caper about id a fashion which wbuld have justified any one in regarding him as really mad. “ Yes; I think you frightened them,” said Tom. “And he’ll not take the place now,” said Bollop. “ No; I believe not,” replied Lindsay, “ but he says he’s coming over to see you the day after to-morrow.” ‘ ‘ Indeed I’ ’ said Bollop. ‘ ‘ Then I shall have to do the lively lunatic again. All right, I’ll worry him.” “Yes; you’ll have to keep up the character,” Tom answered; but in his own mind he was a little troubled. Flittertip might be foolish and frivolous, but Tom didn’t like his look as he went away. H owever, there was nothing to be done now but to go on with the masquerade. Bollop wks in high spirits, insisted on Tom dining with him that night, wore his wreath triumphantly, and nearly fuddled himself by toasting the Lunacy Commissioners in successive bumpers of port. In fact, Tom felt like the wizzard’s apprentice in Goethe’s ballad, who, having raised a spirit, could not lay it. Ola Bollop was so charmed with the part he shad played, that -he was with difficulty restrained from Wearing his wreath in the village, and he indulged in such antics in his own garden that his cook confided to Rose that she believed master was “ a little queer jn his head-” ' > The day arrived on which Mr. Flittertip was to call, and Tom found, rather to his disgust, that he had to go off to an urgent case in a distant village. He had intended to be present at the interview, for there was evidently a danger of old Bollop’s overacting the part ana appearing too mad. But as there was no help for it, Mr. Jerry had to be left to himself, and Tom, with many misgivings, drove away, leaving him trying oiT a new wreath and arranging his drawing-room in as eccentric a fashion as he could devise. When he returned in the evening he found that the visit had been made and Bollop was more triumphant than ever. Flittertip had come, he said, with two friends (Lindsay wondered what that meant) to see him and look over the place again, and he had given him another fright and sent him away more disgusted than ever. Questioned as to.the strangers, he said they had only stayed a short time and then driven away. Flittertip had remained and tried to soothe him, but had finally retired on a threat of another shower of tomatoes. On the whole Bollop had spent-a merry afternoon, but Tom began to wonder how this mad masquerade would end. Next morning he heard some news which made him still more uncomfortable. In the first place he learned that Flittertip had taken up his quarters at the village Inn for a few days; and in the second one of his patients informed him that the two visitors who had arrived with Flittertip the previous day were doctors from the neighboring town. Toni saw the situation at once. Flittertip meant war. He had brought a couple of medical men over to certify to Bollop’s insanity, and the next move would be the conveyance of Mr. Jerry to the nearest asylum. The Honorable Ferdinand was a modern edition of Lord Foppington, in some respects; but here was evidence of an amount of sagacity which might bring Jerry’s performance of the lively lunatic to a painful termination.

It was clear that Bollop must Igyrarned at once, and Dr. Tom went off and informed tliat worthy of his peril, urging ■tip. But it Was useless!’ Bollop’s blood wah tip at th Abate MeaJiHe had ddighied in preJcndiag to. be mad,,but he was furious at the thoqght of hie sanity being seriously called Ip ougstiOn. lie tola Lindsay, curtly, that he could take care of himself; and vowed eternal vengeance, very illogicaliy, on the head of Fltttortipt But Bollop was more alarmed .at the doctor’s news than hq confessed, and he was puzzling his brains hoWto get himself out of the scrape, when fortune fav. ored him in a very unexpected manner. He stayed at home ail the morning, in a ratlier p<gturbed state of mind, bqt in the afternoon he ventured out for a walk. He took flic road toward the countiy town, and as he started he'notlced Flittertip lounging about ia the park, not far from his garden walk, He was evidently, pn the watch, thought Bollop, and he longed to resume his character and assail him again with tomatoes. Mr. Jeremiah Bollop walked meditatively along the road, he presented the spectacle pi a highly respectable gentleirian of mature years engaged in a quiet constitutional. He looked like a man who had been long resident in the neighborhqod, and who would therefore be capablq pf affording any information concerning'it. ' ” He was evidently regarded in this light by two strangers as it appeared, who were driving toward Raeburn in a phaeton. As they caine up with Jerry they stopped, and asked him civilly if he would be good enough to show thqm which was Mr. Bollop’s house.. Jeremiah was rather startled for a moment, "but he recovered his self-possession tod howMhingsrfitoed.r Here were his wouto-bo captors; how Was bp to put them on the scent ? lie was JuSt going to answer, when the man continued, “ and we want to get to the ‘ George,’ sir, the village.inn; wqjjave to jneet a Mr. Flittertip tlieru.” . A plan of deliverance and revengfe flashed across Bollop’s mind in a moment. These were the men from the asylum, that was certain now. And they knew neither himself DOr Flittertip! What was to prevent changing places with tlie Honorable Ferdinand. He would do it. “ Indeed,’? he said politely, “ you have not to go far. lam Mr. Flittertip, and I can cohduCVyoti to ytmr unfortunate patient.” “That’s lucky, sir,” said the man; “ will you get in?” Bollop complied, and as thqy drove along the keeper said: “ Will Mr. Bollop be quiet, sir, do vou think?” Bollop, in his mind’s eye, saw Flittertip taken by mistake, ana said, emphatically: “I think not; you had better be prepared for violence.” ( The unsuspecting Ferdinand was strolling near the lodge gates, when the phaeton drove up. He .saw with astonishment Bollop seated in it with his two companions, and he heard with still more astonishment the said Bollop say- “That’s your man; take him as quietly as you can.” But a third surprise was to come. In a minute Flittertip felt himself seized and being conveyed toward the phaeton, while his old adversary was looking on, rubbing his hands, and saying: “Gently, Mr. Bollop; don’t be excited, sir. Take it easy. It’s all for your good.” In vain Flittertip protested. In vain he roared out that they had made a mistake, and heaped malediction} on Bollop’s head. The more noise he made and the more obstreperously he became, the more certain were the keepers of his madness, and, after a prolonged struggle, be was driven away nearly in a fit with passion, Bollop politely taking off his hat as they started, saying: “Good-by, Mr. Bollop, I’ll cook the tomatoes. Take care of him, my men.” Then Jeremiah quietly returned to his cottage and indited a little note to Dr. Tom, in which he said: “ They have taken Mr. Flittertip to the asylum, considering him madder than yours truly, J. B.” Tom at first thought this was only facetiousness on Bollop’s part, but when he found out the audacious trick Jeremiah had played upon the unfortunate Flittertip, it was evident to him that the whole affair must be explained to that individual, as i,t was becoming serious. Next day, as he expected, Flittertip having proved his identity, returned to Raeburn thirsting for Bollop’s blood. But once more Jerry’s luck served him well. To the astonishment of everybody, the shipwrecked Frank Raeburn did turn up, having, with two of the crew, reached an out-of-the-way island, from which, after many hardships, he had been rescued by a passing vessel. He managed to pacify Flittertip, who behaved much better than the unscrupulous Jerry deserved; managed after all to buy a property ii/Ahe neighborhood, and lived to laugh over the events we have recounted. He and Jerry became firm friends, the latter’s hints on farming biing very useful to Flittertip; but Mrs. F. never forgave Bollop the tomato to her dying flay. Dr. Tom won his wife, but he made up his mind never again in the future to advise any one to »lay the part of a lively lunatic.— ll- Savile Clarke, in Illustrated Sporting and Dramatic News.