Rensselaer Union, Volume 8, Number 47, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 August 1876 — Page 3

The Rensselaer tfriion. RENSSELAER, . • INDIANA.

LBEDLE YAWCOB STRAUBB. I hsf von fauny leedle poy Vot gomes schast to my knee; Der qneerest echsp, der cresteet rogue Ah efer yon dit nee; He rune, and schumps, nnd echmaehee dings In all barta off der houHe But vot off dot! he vae mine ion, Mine leedle Yawcob Strand*. He get der measles uud dor mumbs, _ Una eferyding dot'* out: He dbill* mine gin** off lager bier, Foote dchnuff Into mine kraut; He Ml* mine pipe mtt Limburg cheese— Dot va* der roughest chouee; I'd take dot vroin no Oder poy But leedle Yawcob Straus*. He dakes der milk ban for a dhrum, Und cuts mine cane In dwo. To make der shtlcks to beet it mlt— Mine craoions dot vaa druef I dinks mine head va* achpllt abart. He kic s up Hooch a tousc— Bat neber mind, der povs vas few Like dot young Yawcob Stratus. He asks me questions aooch as dese: Wliobaint* mine nose so red! Who vaa it cuts dot schruoodt blace oudt Yrom the hair übpon mine bed? Und vhere der plaae goes vroin der lamp Vene'er der glim I douse— How gan I all deae dings eggsblaln To dot schmall Yawcob Strauss. I somedimes dink I schall go vild Mith aooch a grazy poy. Und visb vonce more I gould has rest Und beaceful dimes enshoy; But ven he was ashleep in ped, So quiet as a mouse, I prays der Lord, " dake anydings, But leaf dot Yawcob Strauss." —Hartford Times.

DR. SPECIFIC.

Dr. Specific has an office on Broadway, New York, a branch in Washington street, Boston, and another in Chestnut street, Philadelphia. When he wants a little excursion, he advertises in Boston or Philadelphia that he is about to spend a week there. Twice in the year he goes West. His track may be traced all over the country by the sarsaparilla bottles he leaves. The secret of his success is simplicity. His practice is as plain as a pike-stall. Everybody can understand it. There is only one medicine; therefore there can be but one disease. The one medicine is Br. Specifics Sovereign Sirup. Seven men met in Dr. Specific’s office one morning, waiting their turns. They all complained of dyspepsia. “ Very good,” said the doctor, smiling. “ There is only one disease, and here we see it. My Sovereign Sirup will cure you all. And now, gentlemen, to show you my mastery of the subject, I will tell you your own symptoms. I’ll take you altogether.” “ But, sir,” interposed the first, a sunburned farmer from New Jersey, “ Sir ” “ That’s enough,” said the doctor, raising his hand. “ You need only open your mouth, and I see through you. You’ve got no teeth.. You can’t digest without mastication, and you can’t masticate without teeth. You 'mumble your food, and down it goes in lumps. It’s like putting pebbles in a coffee-mill. Now a regular physician would tell you to go to a dentist and have your old stumps out and get a set of good, clean winders, and you’d laugh at dyspepsia. But I know be'ter than that! I know you don’t want to have ’em out; and you think you can’t afford a new set. You think it better to pay me five dollars a bottle for the Sovereign Sirup, which you can take with a teaspoon, then to pay a hundred to have your jaw broken. And I think so, too. Here’s a bottle. Five dollars, if you please. You’ll feel better after taking it every day. There’s little spirits in it, to produce that effect. But don’t feel troubled if you don’t get well right away. How long have you been ailing?” “ Oh, these fifteen years.” “ Very well, now. Remember that what’s been on you these fifteen years can’t be cured by sirup in fifteen days, nor fifteen weeks either. Come back for another bottle as soon ns you’ve used this up. And you, sir,” said the doctor, turning promptly to the next, a stout, ruddy gentleman, who but for a pallid cast upon his sanguine complexion would have seemed the picture of health. “ I see you are in a bad way, sir.” “ Yes,” replied he; “ my food distresses me, and I can’t sleep nights.” “ I see,” said the doctor, “ I see. You are in business?” “ Yes. My factory is in Williamsburg, but our warehouse is down town.” “You attend at both, don’t you?” “Yes; I am back and forth all the time.”

“ And you are on the School Board, aip’tyou?” “ Yes, sir.” “And on the Executive Committee of the Bible Society ?” “Yes, sir.” “ And do you hold any office in your church?” “Yes, sir; I am an elder and President of the Trustees.” “ How many evening meetings do you Ehvfef 1 “ Two church meetings a week, be, sides vestry meeting ana church Sunday nights.” “ Perhaps you are in the Sundayschool?” “ Yes; I am Superintendent of our mission school.” : .... . '■ “ Any bank or insurance company ?” “Yes; I’m on the-board in our bank and one in Williamsburg too, and I’m in two or three insurance companies. But what has all this to do with it? I’ll take care of my business if you’ll cure my dyspepsia.” “ Excuse me,” persisted the doctor. “ But who is a good broker in Wall street ? You go down there once in a while?” “Yes; Smith I always deal through.” “ And for gold who do you employ ?” “ Jones.” “ Well, how are Governments to-day?” “ An eighth lower.”” “Well,"well,” said the doctor, musingly. V Stocks, gold, Governments, church, board, committee, Sunday-school, bank, insurance company, mill, counting-room —now it’s odd, isn’t it, that you should have just the same complaint as our quiet friend here who has only lost his teeth ? But that’s just the fact. Your food dieUpsses you. Now a regular physician would laugh at you, and tell you to get out of Wall street and committees, get home at four every day; and not leave till pine in the morning, and spend the evenings with your family, like a Christian.” “ Yes,” interposed the patient, “that's just what our physician told me.” “ Now. you. and I know better than that,” continued Dr. Specific. “ He meant well, but that is humbug. You won’t take any such advice as that. You can't do it. It’s sheer nonsense to expect it. You think it is a • great deal better to worry through, with a gentle stimulant from the . Sovereign Sirup, and a little sedative a

night. You’d Jose $50,000 a year, perhaps, on his advice, and mine only costs {ou five dollars a bottle. You think it is etter to take my remedy, and I do, too. But you must keep it up. If you want the cure to be permanent, you must make the medicine permanent.” The next gentleman was a thin student. “ You don’t eat enough,”, said the doctor. “ Well,” replied the poor fellow, meek. ly, - ‘ Jam in the seminary—” “I understand,” interposed the doctor. “ Some benevolent institution is starving you into the ministry. * They might, at least, see that you were fed well till they get you at wprk. I know what goes on sometimes in those dormitories, where proud and self-sacrificing young fellows conceal their wonts, ana feed on meal stewed in water over their stove, and flavored with salt. Your food 1 distresses you, of course. Isn’t it odd, now, that you should have the same complaint as our friend.here, the bank President? Now a regular physician would tell you to live well; but. that’s a mockery. Suppose I were to give you a prescription, prandia cum beefsteakibus, they would not under stand that at the seminary. Gentlemen, there is a great deal of humbug in this world. This young man ought to dine sumptuously every day; but I’ll not be guilty of the humbug or telling him to go and be fed. Come and dine with me, my friend, at one o’clock. It shan’t be said that you were hungry and I gave you no meat. Meanwhile, here is a bottle of the Sovereign Sirup, which, if you can only get something to eat with it, will do you —well, will do you no harm. And now, sir,” turning quickly to the next, a thin, cadaverous man, “ w’hat’s the matter®frith your digestion?” / “Bless you, sir, I have no digestion at all.” “ You have plenty to eat?” said the doctor. “ Yes, but it seems to do me no good.” “ I see your case at a glance,” responded the doctor. “You’re a teacher, perhaps?” “ Yes.” “ Is your school in your house ?” “Next door.” “ What are your amusements?” “ I amuse myself with my books.” “Doyou walk?” ‘ l Yes—to my school-room. ” 11 Then your only recreation is to eat and drink?” ■■ “ That’s abovn all.”

“ And no exercise but to whip the boys, eh? Now, isn’t it odd that you should have the same complaint as these friends here, and that you should need the same medicine? That’s the fact. A regular physician would tell you that you eat too much and move about too little; you put out the fire with too much fuel and too little stirring. Of course your food distresses you and you may well say you haven’t any digestion. But I know it would be only humbugging you to make you think you could change your habits. That’s what you don't want to do, and you come for the Sovereign Sirup because you know you can’t do better. I think it’s the best filing you can do to pay me five dollars a month, and,” whispered he; “ I’ll take back the bottles at three dollars a dozen, if the labels are clean). If you were of a mind to take in this young man and divide your meals with him, both of you would be about right. But then you would rather feel full and stupid than hungrv and bright at any time; I know it as well as you do. So take this whenever sou feel stupid, and the oftener the better. ‘ive dollars, if you please—or tfill you have half a dozes?” The next patient was a fine-looking man, apparently a clergyman, with crape upon his hat and grief upon his face. He had been broken down by sudden sorrows, and his crushed heart overrun with cares and duties and incessantly drained by over-sensitive sympathies for the sufferings he found about him, was unable to recover itself. He had fallen into a morbid, nervous state, in which he passed alternately through extreme mental excitement and profound moral despondency. “ Now, mv dear sir,” said Dr. Specific, “ see how admirably the Sovereign Sirup works. A regular physician would tell you you must leave your duties and go abroad to recuperate. Your life is all up in your brain, and you have no force left. You ought to go away ancTleave your head behind you, a physician would say; but I know you won’t do that—you’ve no heart to go, you’ve no means. Your conscience won’t let you leave the tread-mill where you are killing yourself, and you know os well as I do how little use it is to reason with conscience. But you know Oie power of faith; you want something to believe in, and the Sovereign Sirup is just that thing. Take it every day, and only believe it is doing you good, and it surely will do you good.” The next man was a merchant, a tall, stalwart person. Oue would have thought it impossible that he should complain of dyspepsia. But he could eat nothing in the morning. If he took food, his stomach rejected it. It was noon before he was fit for anything. He had terrible distresses.

“ Now, my friend,” said [the doctor, “ you have splendid teeth, are not overrun with. work, heitker starve nor surfeit, have not been broken in nerves, and yet—isn’t it odd ? —you need just the same medicine as. our triends here. Perhaps you drink very hard at your evening dinner ; perhaps you ha . e to be put to bed three or four nights in a week by your servant; perhaps you are so quiet about it thi your friends are almost ignorant of you) vice, and you manage it so adroitly that you are never ' the worse for liquor’Jn the daytime, yet your wife knows you are dying of drink. But if her cries and tears do not stop you, what’s the use of a regular physician to advise you? There sno hope for you but to take the Sovereign Sirup, which is good for dyspepsia in all its forms. There’s only one disease after all that’s said. Isn’t it odd, now? A regular physician would talk to you in vain about snipping the cause of this trouble; but you know that’s no use as well as I do. What’s the use of paying doctors’ bills to be toid to do what we aon’twant to do, or not to do what we are going to do? That’s what I call swindling the public, to practice on that principle, what you want is something to make you feel better, and steady your nerves' in the morning and quiet your stomach and brace you up till dinner-time, when you’re all right again. My medicine won’t interfere with your diet. That’s wkaCl call scientidc practice. It’s all oue disease. What’s wanted is something to operate on the mind. . ? With that the doctor came to the last one, a pitiable object, who sat with eyes cast down and fingers nervously pitying. It was a wreck —a wreck deserted, vacant, hopeless, but still floating about, tossed on the waves of dissipation, and draws)hither and thither,Jn the eddying currents of vice. Jx was a phantom of a man.* Tue only semblance of reality it possess® was the reality of wretchedness. “ Good Heavens! ” said Dr. Specific, in

a reverent tone, with pity, “ what a mercy it i» when wreck* go to the bottom / ” “Doctor,” Bald the wreck, “you’re right. Yours is the scientific practice. We don’t want to know what is the matter with ua. W« want something to take. Don’t ask me any questions. Don’t give me any advice. I can’t Btop. I must go on , but 1 want something to oil the wheels. Will your medicine do me any good? ” “ My friend,” said the doctor, “ I won’t deceive you. I have never tried it in so extreme a case as yours; but, you see, it’s all one disease, and what is good for e - erybody must be good for you. This I can say, that if my Birup don’t save you, nothing will.” As the doctor took the last five-dollar bill, he asked the gentlemen each to give him a little certificate of the success with which he had treated their cases. The clergyman immediately arose. “My friends,” said he, addressing them,. “I think it is due to Dr. Specific that we should give him our certificate before we go. It is true that we have not tried his medicine yet, but we have taken his advice and understand his system; and it is my practice to give a letter of recommendation whenever I get an opportunity. If the doctor will write now, we will each tell him what to say.” “Certainly,” said the toothless old farmer. “ 1 can say that the doctor’s advice has saved me a great deal of suffering and expense.” * “ For me,” said the over-worked man of business, “write that Dr. Specific has enabled me to go on with my business as usual, when other physicians had given me up unless I stopped work, and that I consider he has saved me thousands of dollars.” “For me,” said the starved student, “ say that I have received from Dr. Specific kind attentions such as no other physi cian ever gave me.” “ For me,” said the overfed teacher, “ write that being of a sedentary and studious habit, I have suffered a great deal from dispepsia, but consider the doctor’s Sirup exactly suited to my case, and shall continue to take it as long as I feel the needffif it. Date it, if you please, at the Classical Institute.” “ For me,” said the nervous clergyman, “ write that I believe Dr. Specific to be a physician who not only thoroughly understands the ills which flesh is heir to, but enters into the feelings of his patients, and treats them intelligently upon a beautiful scientific and moral theory.” “For me,” said the wine-bibbing merchant, “write that I have tried many physicians, but they never understood my case; that Dr. Specific understood it perfectly, and that his medidine does not interfere in the least with my diet or habits.” “For me,” said the forlorn wreck, “ write that I had suffered terribly from dyspepsia, headache, particular debility and blue-devils—every kind of unutterable torments—and never found anything or anybody to relieve me until I came to Dr. Specific and procured a bottle of his Sirup.” “There,” said the clergyman; “now we’ve done our duty by the doctor and I dare say our certificates are quite as good as any he has got, and yet, we have none of us said what isn’t true enough. Doctor,” added he, “ those certificates will be published in the daily papers?” “ Certainly.” “And you will put my name in capitals?” “ Certainly.” “ Thank you. I always look for it in such cases.” . So the seven men, bearing seven bottles of Sovereign Sirup in one hand, an® seven of Dr. Specific’s Medical Almanacs in the other, marched down-stairs and filed into the street, while the doctor arranged his new certificates in a flaming advertisement, which may be found in most of the payers of the day.— Hamper's Weekly.

PERSONAL AND LITERARY.

—Representative Seelye has accepted the Presidency of Amherst College. —The real name of Signorina Spelterini, who crossed Niagara on a wire recently, is Sarah McGinnis. —Mr. Vanderbilt says that he intends to give everyone waiting to hear of his death a good chance to wait. —On the first morning after his arrival in England, Dom Pedro stepped out a few moments before breakfast and made a tour of the country. —Ann Eliza Young, notwithstanding she has made $50,000 on her book and lecturing, will continue her war on the prophet, and make it pay, next winter. —The investigation of Daniel Drew’s affairs necessitates the examination of about fifteen tons of account books belonging to sundry bankers and Wall street brokers. Daniel has made his creditors a great deal of trouble. —The rivalry in the matter of venerable twins has brought to light Mr. Jonathan Wood, of Worcester, Mass., and his brother Ebenezer, of Acton, Mass., who are in their eighty-fifth year, and who are both remarkably vigorous for men of their age. They have a brother and sister who are both more than eighty years old. —While the Emperor of Brazil was within our borders there was nothing for him but commendation; but now / that he lias gone it is discovered that he had faults like other moo. It is seriously declared that lie slept through the entire balcony scene in. “Romeo and Juliet,” at the Academy of Music, and that nothing but ceaseless nudging on the part of his imperial spouse kept him awake the following night at the concert given in his honor at Gilmore’s Garden. —“ Gen. Custer’s death,” the Burlington (Vt.) Free Prm says, “ will be received with special sorrow by many of the veterans of the First Vermont cavalry. They served long under him, and he repeatedly, when leading a charge, put himself at the head of the First Vermont. This he did so often, when troops of his own State and others were at hand, that the distinction became marked. Our boys appreciated it. They loved and admired Custer, and they were never beaten back when he was in command.” —The four hundredth anniversary of the death of the astronomer Johannes Muller was celebrated in his native town of Konigsberg, Germany, on the oth of July. Muller, or ‘Regiomontanus, as he was called after his birthplace, was born in 1436, and after studying in Leipsic went to Vienna, where he became a friend and colleague of the renowned astronomer Purcell. He died of the plague in Rome, whither he had been called to revise the calendar, and where he was appointed Bishop of Regensburg. Purcell and Muller introduced into Germany the use of the Arabic figures in place of the Roman numerals then exclusively in use, and caused arithmetic to be taught in German schools. Muller likewise prepared and issued the first Germain almanac. —Five young ladies were drowned in Lake Contrary, near Bt. Joseph,! Mo., a few days ago, while gathering pond lilies. The man who accompanied them barely escaped with his life.

INCIDENTS AND ACCIDENTS.

—There fell on Mount Washington, N. H„ a few days ago, over four inchos of snow. —Richard James, a London (Ont.) uegro, famous as a “outtist,” accidentally lodged a bullet in his head while fooling with a revolver, the other day, and the surgeon found it flattened against the skull. —The “bigtree,” as it was called, which grew In Calaveras county, Cal., contained half a million feet of inch lumber, and was recently felled by five men working twenly-two and a half days, making 112% days’ labor. —At Carrollton, Mo., a few days ago, a trial was made to see how quick wheat standihg In the field could be harvested, threshed, ground, baked and eaten. All these operations were completed in eleven minutes.— Chicago Journal. —Rev. John Wesley Whitfield, of Green Island, N. Y., is a ‘ faithful preacher, a skillful maker of mathematical instruments, a careful astronomer, a .studious entomologist, a powerful painter, a painstaking sculptor, and an average poet.” —A very singular death has recently occurred at Westfield, Mass. About a fortnight before Mrs. Charles Noble, wife of a prominent citizen, accidentally swallowed a cherry-stone, and it lodged in such a manner that it was impossible to extract it, though the best medical skill of the region was called in. She gradually failed in strength, and died on the 23d of July. —The Princeton (Wis.) Republic says: “The hero and martyr of our National game is a young man near Eau Claire. In a recent game a hot ball, thrown by a fielder to him, standing on second base, slipped through his hands and struck him in the breast. He quickly regained the ball and threw it to the home-plate, putting out the man and saving the game, but dropped .dead on his base before the shout of victory.”

—The Laramie (W. T.) Sentinel says: “ Col. Donnellan yesterday met with a rather unpleasant and riskv adventure while prospecting for soda. He was traveling over one of the soda lakes, several rods from his companions, when he stepped upon a soft place and went through the crust of soda into the mud up to his chin. He spread out his arms and caught upon the crust, and thus sustained himself till Boswell and Mr. Sickles rescued him from his dangerous position. He has now found all the soda he wants.” —Prof. McCheeney, of Missouri, who accompanied a geological party from Kentucky which has been in camp at Camp Harvard, Cumberland Gap, insisted on making excavatians in the Indian mounds, of which there are many in that neighborhood. He opened one on the 14th of July, about twenty miles from the camp, and made some nch discoveries. While in the excavation the people of the neighborhood crowded around the edges, which gave way, and a great number were precipitated into the opening. When the excavation was cleared out, it was found that Prof. McCheeney had been stooping when the accident occurred, and that his neck was broken. Prof. Carr, of Harvard College, had an arm badly bruised. —The famous Northampton Bank robbery of last spring is again recalled to public attention by some fresh information about the progress of the negotiations. When the bank officers were in New York recently, in an interview with the man through whom they are negotiating for the bonds, they expressed themselves as dissatisfied, and wanted to know what proof he could give that he had got the bonds, and that he was not toying to play a game on them. He told them that for proof he would mail to a South Hadley man, who owned some of them, all of his bonds that same day, and that if the man received them that ought to satisfy the bank folks. He also said that the night the robbers went up to Northampton they were intending to rob another bank beftide the one they did crack, but when they got into the room oyer the bank and bored a hole down they found it would take several nights, and they decided to take the first instead. After the bank officials returned to Northampton they made an examination and found a hole through the floor of the room above the Northampton National, as they had been told they would, and the South Hadley man also received his bonds by mail. - —— —

CENTENNIALITIES.

—The total cash receipts at the Exposition up to July 26 were SOOB,OOO, and the total number of visitors 2,435,000. No greatrush of visitors is expected until about September 1. —Referring to the base slander that the woman’s pavilion at the Centennial is very dirty, the Rochester Democrat asks in an angry tone if one can strike for freedom and do housework at the same time. —One of the most interesting features of the Centennial Exhibition is the unusual space given to showing methods of education. Several foreign countries, including Sweden and Japan, show remarkable proficiency. —“’’Oh,” cries a Chicago girl, writing from the Centennial, “ what a vari-colored circle of humanity is here! Dark men from Italy, Spain and the South; blonde men from Scotland, Sweden and the North; pink-faced men from the rural rigions of Germany and Belgium; blue-veined men from Austria ana France; yellow men from the Oriental countries, and red men from the plains of the West! Truly, the Centennial has brought us a great rain of the reigning beaux of rainbow-hued humanity!” —At the Exposition grounds, in order to reduce the expenses, some thirty men have been discharged. Of these, there were three inspectors, nine moneygatekeepers, nine at the exhibitors’ gates, eight at the wagon gates, and four return pass and check men; and of 106 turnstiles around the inclosure, forty-six have been closed. The falling off in the attendance at the Exhibition has caused the reduction of the force. The number of visitors fell off materially duiing the heated term, and has not increased with the return of pleasant weather. —The great Krnpp gun attheCentennial Exhibition and the armor-plates in the British section are mere pigmies when compared with projected guns and armor plates. The Russian iron-clad Peter the Great has been planned to carry twentyinch armor, and the English eighty-one ton gun, firing a shotof 1,200 pounds, has been made with the expectation that its shot can pierce twenty inches of armor. Sir W. G. Armstrong is trying his skill on a seventeen-inch gun that wiß carry a 2,000 pound shot, and Mr. Fraser, at Woolwich, has suggested a 100-ton gun to cany a shot of 2,240 pounds. Sir Joseph Whitworth proposes, by, the use of a hexagonal bore of compressed steel and a flat-

headed elongated shot, to make a gun of less weight than eiglity-one tons which shall smash an armor plate of twenty-tour inches in thickness. Mr. Krupp has actually begun to make a monster of 160 tons; but there i* aa yet no ship stout enough to accommodate this piece of colossal ordnance. At present the big guns have the best of the armor-plate, but it is not long since twenty inches of armor-plate had the advantage of the most powerful guns of the day—those which could penetrate fourteen Inches of plate.— Philadelphia Ledger. —An incident happened in Machinery Hall yesterday afternoon which exhibits the unparalleled advancement of American genius in small as well as in great things. Whllf a large throng of visitors were standing around the mighty Corliss engine, watching its gigantic movements, a tall, gentle-manly-looking personage, who afterward gave his name and address as Levi Taylor, of Indianola.lowa. joined the crowd. After watching the motions of the monster for a few moments the gentleman passed around to one side, ana extracting from his pocket a small tin case took from it what looked like a diminutive alcohol lamp, and, striking a match, started a miniature flame and placed the contrivance on a corner of the platform which surrounds the mighty steam giant. At first glance nothing could be discerned over this lamp but a small excrescence which looked more like a very juvenile humming bird than anything else, but a close inspection showed that what was mistaken for a liliputian wing was the fly-wheel of a perfect steam engine, and persons with extra good eyes could, after a close examination, discover some of the other harts of the curious piece of mechanism. •This engine has for its foundation a •Twenty-flve-cent gold piece, and many of the parts are so tiny that they cannot be seen without a magnifying glass. It has the regular steam gauge, ana, though qomplete m every particular, the entire apparatus weighs only seven grains, while the engine proper weighs but three grains. It is made of gold, steel and platinum. The fly-wbeel is only three-quarters of an inch in diameter; the stroke is one-twenty-fourth of an inch, and the cut-off one-sixty-fourth of an inch. The machinery, which can all be taken apart; was packed in films of silk.— Philadelphia Press.

Mark Twain on Postoffice Management

To the Editor of the N. T. Evening Post: Now when there is so much worrying and wailing and legislating about economy in postage, may 1 ask your attention to a conundrum touching that matter ? If yon write to a person in certain foreign countries, our Government will forward your letter without requiring you to prepay the postage; but if you write to a person in your own or aiieighboring State, you must not only prepay, but be sure you do not fall short a single penny; for if you do the Government will be afraid to risk collecting the penny at the other end, but will rush your letter to the Dead-Letter Office (at an expense of about two cents), and then write you (at an expense of three cents) that you can have it by writing for it (prepayment three cents) &2ld enclosing three cents for its transmission. To illustrate our system: A fortnight ago a citizen of Hartford mailed a letter, directed to me at this place where I am summering, and inadvertently fell one cent short of full prepayment. The postoffice authorities held a council of war over it, and then sent it to Washington in charge of an artillery regiment, at great cost to the Nation. The Dead-Letter Department worried over it several days and nights, and then wrote me (at a cost of three cents) that I could have my letter for a three cent stamp, or its equivalent in coin. I, like an ass, sent tot it, thinking it might contain a legacy, and yesterday it arrived in a man-of-war, at vast expense to the Government, an a was brought to these emises by three companies of marines and a mortar battery, all of whom staid to supper. The letter had nothing in it but a doctor’s bill. On the same day I received a heavy letter from England with a onepenny stamp on it and the words “ Collect eighteen pence.” It had been forwarded from Hartford without ever going to the Dead-Letter Office. The conundrum I wish to ask is this: If a letter be underprepaid, would it not be well to do it up m a rag and send it along, taking the risk of collecting the deficit at the other end, as used to be the custom before we learned so much ?

However, the expense which I (and the Government) incurred in the transmission of a doctor’s bill, which I did not want and do not value now that I have got it, was not the gravest feature of this unfortunate episode. The Postmaster-General was removed from the Cabinet for not collecting storage for the six days that my letter remained in the Dead-Letter Office. It seems to me that this punishment was conspicuously disproportioned to the offense. „ Mask Twain. Elxiba. N. Y., July 33,1876. [lt was characteristic of Mr. Twain’s kind heart that he prepaid the postage on the foregoing letter to ourselves with stamps amounting to thirty-nine cents, when three cents would doubtless have answered every purpose.— Eds. Evening Post.]

A Physician’s Rules Of Health for the Heated Term.

Bise early; the morning air is pure and cool. Take a hand-bath, going over the whole person with water at its natural temperature. Any one can do this who can command the use of a basin and one or two quarts of water. Use nothing but the hand; once or twice a week put a few drops of ammonia in the water, to cleanse the skin, or use white caatile soap—avoid all others. Do this all the year round, no matter what the temperature of the weather is. Beginning now, the skin will become accustomed to it, and cold will not affect, but tone up the system, bringing the blood to the surface, and preventing colds from sudden changes; besides, not half the clothing will be needed. At this season do not discard flannel altogether, but wear thin ones without sleeves-, the best are made from white bunting, which is not heating, and yet absorbs the perspiration, and will last forever, if properly shrunk before being made up. On rising, if faint feeling and loss of appetite, take a teaspponful of charcoal stirred in a little water, and repeat the same at bedtime ; it must be the fine willow charcoal, and to be found (with twenty-five cents) at all apothecaries. This absorbs the gas from undigested food, and sweetens the stomach and prepares it for food, and should be taken at any time when there is any unpleasant fullness in the stomach before eating: Avoid ice-water, except one or two swallows; the habitual use lowers the temperature of the stomach, and prevents digestion. Soda water in immoderate quantities should also be avoided, certainly not more than a single glass per day. Let the diet be a generous one, but avoid mixtures; never more than two or three dishes at each meal, Pastiy

of all kinds should be especially avoided in hot weather. Plain yeast bread a day old, with good butter, sparingly, and ia hot weather with milk— when Fresh -teefl allays thirst when token fresh upon food. Go slow about your business or work. Never try to do two men’s work in one day. There is nothing gained by it. Keep on the shady side of the street if there is one; if not, cany an umbrella, if you can: if not, your handkerchief in the top of your hat; if in the country, green leaves. Finally, make haste slowly to get rich; re. member that without health riches are of no accoiint.— Boston Transcript.

More Currency.

This is the cry afl over the country, tad especially in the West, of those who look only at tlieir own wants irrespective of the means of supplying them. There was, as shown by a recent bank statement, some seventy-three millions of currency lying Idle in the banks of this city for want of borrowers who could give fair security for its repayment. The nominal rate wasseven per cent., but much good paper was discounted at five per cent, per annnm, and even at that there was and is no adequate demand. Of what use to the country would a hundred millions more currency be if the existing supply is in excess of its legitimate business wants ? Though Government were to manufacture any amount of greenbacks it would not give them ont for nothing, but only in paying for services or supplies; ana it has enough for these purposes now. If, indeed, another civil war were to occur, that would increase its expenses a hundred feld. It could in that case keep the stamping mills going and flood the country with greenbacks till the dollar bill would be only worth forty cents in gold, as it was at one time of the war. But who wants a repetition of such a dreadful and ruinous way of making currency plenty ? Anyone who has anything to sell now can get as good a price for itln cash as the state of the market will permit, and he could not and should not get more if there were twice as much currency. If the currency were to be so inflated, indeed, that what is called a dollar in p&Ser should be really worth only half a ollar in gold, every one might think he was getting big prices or big wages, but it would amount to precisely the same result upon the average aa if each received and paid half as many gold dollars for the xame produce and labor. There would be this difference, indeed, that the gold dollar would be a permanent measure of value, whilst the paper dollar might not retain its value of fifty cents for a month. The only class which would gain lty such an iniquitous depreciation of the currency would be debtors who could pay bonds and mortgages with fifty cents on the dollar. But the gains of this class would be set off by the losses of the creditors, who. would be defrauded to an equal extent. What advantage would -ft be to the country if the Witness were enabled to pay its bondholders in a currency worth thirty or forty per cent, less than the currency now paid for the bonds. The injustice wpuld be obvious and great. Yet this [p just what Western inflationists, if they understand their own policy, are aiming at. We are thankful to be in a position where we can, without any imputation on our motives, advocate with all earnestness the earliest possible resumption of specie payments—not depreciated silver worth eighty-two cents on the dollar, but actual gold dollars worth 100 cents, or bills payable on demand in gold dollars. One other fallacy should be exposed; Namely, the assumption that any government could regulate its issues of irredeemable paper called legal-tenders, so as just to supply the business wants of the countiy. These wants vary greatly in different years and in different months of the same year, and how is Congress or the Trcasuty Department to decide that now we must call in fifty millions, and now we must let out a hundred millions ? Such a power would be ruinous to the business interests of the country, all ui which would be sitting on amine ready to explode at any moment. Politicians are able to do a vast deal of damage now in a petty larceny way, but then they would be able in older to promote party or personal interests to damage the Nation by wholesale. We do not forget that the advocates of a never-to-be-paid paper currency have a double-action, self-regulating safety-valve for a redundancy of currency on the one hand, or a deficiency cm the other, namely, the convertibility of currency into 8.65 interest bearing bonds and bonds into currency. That is changing about pieces of paper, neither of which is ever to be paid except in the other. But in the first place the interest on these bonds would be constantly requiring a fresh manufacture of currency, thus doubling the portion of the National debt held In bonds live times in a century, and of course depreciating the currency just in proportion as it increased in value beyond the wants of the country. The expenditures of the OovernmeLl would increase just in proportion as the value of its currency diminished, and it would have to issue more and more legal-tender, thus still farther depreciating its currency. All transactions with foreign countries would become difficult A Dank might have millions of legal tender notes and 3.65 bonds in its chest without being able' to pay for a bill of exchange, except by buying gold at 100 or 200 per cent, premium. It might, indeed, bny and ship wheat and cotton at two or three times the price they were worth in gold, but it would only lie able to draw bills in gold for naif or one-third of the prices it had paid. The times of Continental money, which was the scourge of this country a hundred years ago, ana which made the founders of the Republic require in the Constitution that no currency should be legalised except gold and silver coin, would just be brought back again.— N. Y. Witness.

A boy at the “West End” had a birthday party. A six-year-old guest thus describes it to his mother: ‘‘First we all had some bread and butter. Then we had some lemonade cold enough to freeze you. Then we all had a piec* of birthday cake. Then we all had a lot of Ice-cream; and then all the little boys had the stomachache. The big girl* told us to go into the house and lie down on the floor, and they made us drink peppermint and water until we felt better. Then we all went out to play.” —Boston Paper. The Albany Law Journal furnishes some of the freshest specimens of forensic wit, to'‘the cultivation of which the hot weather does not seem to be very favorable: “A lawyer by the name of Frean (pronounced Fraln) Is a number of the bar in one of the counties in this State, and Mr. Croak is the Diafrict-Attorney. During a discussion on some subject the District. Attorney wished Mr. F. ‘tore/V-an* from any other remarks.’ Mr. F. (promptly), ‘I will when you stop Croaking.’ *’