Rensselaer Union, Volume 8, Number 18, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 20 January 1876 — VARIETY AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

VARIETY AND HUMOR.

—Attention is called to the fact that the chewing-gum privilege of the Centennial is not yet disposed of. —A Brooklyn express-wagon has this sign: “Orl k'ines of Hurling dun.” He might add: “In liog signo vinces.” —The Public Administrator of St. Louis has had charge of five estates during the past year for which duplicate wives were claimants. —A London doctor says that it will certainly give a young lady the spinal disease to wash dishes, and now go ahead on those worsted docs. —Did you ever see a small boy put his thumb into the'nose of a tea-kettle to stop the exit of steam? Did that small boy ever try that game a second time ? —The court-crier in New York gets up and calls for William M. Tweed, and His Honor smiles, the audience smile, the lawyers laugh, and the small boy titters “ Te-he-he isn’t here!” —The ladies of Richmond dealt out buttermilk to their New Year’s callers. And perhaps there are worse drinks than buttermilk. Though, to be sure, they are very scarce.— Rochester Union. —lt is stated that the St. Louis bridge won’t pay any interest for thirty years to come. When the Chicago Christian hears of this he will lay down in the straw and roll. for j[oy. —Brooklyn Argun. —A convict in the Massachusetts State Prison says if the Governor will pardon him out he will do as much for His Excellency some time. The Governor had better do it. One can’t tell what strange things may happen in a decade. A —A discreet old bear near Duncan’s Mills, Cal., has profited by the mishap of having lost one of his toes in a steel trap, and now habitually draws the traps a short distance away by their ropes and devours in'l safety the bait which is placed beneath them. —The other day when a Detroit mother took down the rpd of correction and ordered her son to stand out there, she remarked : “I don’t know what ails you; you are not like the rest of my children.” “I know it, mother,” he fearfully answered, " and I wish you would give them ail the lickings ana give me all the sugar!” Bhe divided the lickiiigs up, however.— Detroit Free Press. —A rosy-cheeked, six-year-old Mercury yesterday walked solemnly into the anteroom of the Mayor’s office and set the doorkeepers into a roar of laughter by asking, with bashful earnestness: ’ ‘ Please, can two persons be married?” “ Are you one of the parties?” asked the officer, smiling. “ No, sir, please,” was the reply, “ but uiy boss sent me.” “Who is your boss?” “I don’t know, sir; but they be French persons who w ish, by the Mayor, to be married on Saturday; and, please, can they lie married when they he French?” The little fellow was assured that being French was not considered a bar to upuriage by the Mayor, and he w ent away with a satisfied air.—Atw York Tribune. —There is a oase in point here of a meteorologicalljr4nclißed postman of Hartford, who fixes hts idea of the day’s coldiby a parflcnlar thermometer that lie visits every morning in the line of his dfi-

hes. Pitying hir*> the owner of the thermometer regularly on cold days warms up the bulb just as the messenger arrives in sight, and the satisfied wayfarer hasn’t been really cold yet a single morning. His eyes prove to him that it would be foolish to feel a condition that does not exist, so he doesn’t feel it. And a defective thermometer lias been known to keep a family cold all winter, to cause several extra tons of coai to be burned, and to lead to a rupture with the agent of “ tine best furnace in the world.— Hartford (Conn.) Courant. —Philip Gilbert Hamerton never told a more beautiful story than the following: “A dog was bereaved of his master; and became old and blind, passing the dark evenings of his existence sadly in some corner, which he hardly ever quitted. One day came a step like that of his lost master, and he suddenly left his place. The man who had jqst. entered wore ribbed stockings, as did the lost master. The old dog had lost his scent, and referred at once to the stockings that he remembered rubbing his face against. Believing his master had returned alter those weary years of absence he gave way to the most extravagant delight. The man spoke. The momentary illusion was dispelled; the dog went sadly back to his place, lay down wearily and died.” —A young and pretty woman who was a passenger over the train from the East yesterday morning had her attention attracted to some pictorial papers which one of the newsboys was vending at the depot, and inquired the price. “ Ten cents apiece.” “ I would like to have one only I haven’t any change with me.” “ Then you don’t get ’em,” classically remarked the dealer in literature. The woman hesitated a moment and then intimated that she would kiss the newsboy if he would give her the paper. Kissing was goodies that he had never hoped for under such circumstances, and he intimated his willingness to accept the proposal, scarcely thinking she was in earnest; but kiss him she did, right out on the depot platform," 1 and then possessing herself of the paper she entered a car, leaving the newsboy blushing, grinning, and yet looking worried, as if he felt a streak of electricity running down his batik.—Utica Herald.

A remarkable case of restoration- of speech lias recently occurred.’ Some time ago a little son of Mr. Daniel J. Farr, who lives at No. 6 Lafayette street, lost his voice, and was unable to speak above a whisper. The parents were greatly distressed on account of it, for he was a bright little fellow, and they consulted many physicians, but they told them that the vocal organs were paralyzed and that he would never be able to speak aloud. A few days ago the boy went out to skate, and as he arrived at the ice he saw some of his playmates. Without thinking he attempted to shout to them, and to his great surprise he uttered a loud “ halloo.” He at once started on the run for home and shouted: “Mother, I can spfeak, I can speak.” The mother was at first much startled, hut itdien she found that her boy had really regained the use of his voice her deliglit may be better imagined than described. —Portland {Me.) Argus. —The Bennington (Vt.) Banner has this amusing story: “ The family of one of our industrious citizens was rather earlier astir than the circumstances would require one night last week. When the clock was wound up, at nine o’clock in the evening, the spring was tightened too much, and the time-piece stopped about an hour later, when the family had all retired. Friend C.’s mind was unusually full of thoughts on the morrow’s business, and so the light of the moon, as its pale rays came through the thin clouds without showing her fair face, induced him to ■Shout to the hired man to arise and kindle the fire, thinking it was near day. The lire was soon burning briskly; the family all astir; breakfast soon on the table; the repast over, all began to wonder why more light did not come over the face of the earth. The wonder and astonishment continued unabateU for an hour or more longer, and behold ’twas darker than ever. The night being extremely cold, no one;cared to go and arouse a neighbor to ascertain the time, but finally the * host’ thought it advisable to do so. Neighbor——was soou made to answer the summons, and responded to the interrogative by saying: ‘ Why, sir, it is only a little past midnight.’ Friend C. marched hack to the -house, and his family soon were in the ‘ arms ol Morpheus’ again, and so continued until morning.”