Rensselaer Union, Volume 8, Number 12, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 9 December 1875 — A LIFE’S REGRET. [ARTICLE]

A LIFE’S REGRET.

I am the youngest of three sisters —Margaret, Louisa 'and Helen, the last-named being'of course myself. We reside in a small villa on the outskirts of the town of Norton-Folgatc, and from all appearances are likely to remain for the rest of our lives pnrsujng what strangers would suppose the calm and even tenor of a colorless existence. Our income, though small, admits of our keeping two domestics; and when we pay visits, which at rare intervals we do to some of the county families, we jointly subscribe and charter a close carriage, which enables us to make our calls with something like dignity. Not that my two elder sisters are lacking in that respect, for they never, either sleeping or w’aking, I believe, forget that our late father was descended from an ancient and honorable family, and that the name of Howard, which we bear, is derived from a source which, even though it does not acknowledge us, is ours justly, and on the tree which testifies to our pedigree our relationship is clearly set forth. Our late mother could also boast ot gentle blood, so that on both sides of the house our connections were undeniable. In addition to tlipse advantages, nature had not been Unkind to us—indeed, in our younger days we had had our owu share of admiration, and the three Misses Howard had on many occasions been pro-, nounced the best-looking girls at the numerous balls which, chaperoned by our mother, we used regularly to attend. Our admirers were not few, and we -were always engaged for every dance whenever we went; but there to" all appearance it ended, for, after more seasons than I care to record, none of us were married. Plainer girls by far, even penniless ones, iu due time made their appearance, had an interval of gayety and then announced their engagements, which duly ended in marriage, and they would return in all the dignity of matronhood to patronize and remind us in more ways than one of the gulf that separated our unappropriated selves from them and their ‘"position” as married women. At first it was not so galling, but by and by I began to feel it keenly, and to; long —as every woman does sooner or later—for ties of my own; but my longings were not to be » gratified, sot the one hateful reason that no ordinary man was supposed to be good enough to mate with f ‘ a Howard,” though one degenerate descendant dared to wish it could be otherwise. By- degrees it became known that we were hard to please, and though it was true enough of Margaret and Louisa still I felt so differently from them on the subject that it w T as rather hard to be included; but I was “a Howard,” and so Trad to pay for my privilege. Margaret was seven years my senior, and Louisa five, consequently I was accustomed to beingconsidered quite a child until I had attained the ripe age of twenty-five, when an event happened which, but for my precious pedigree, might have changed the color of my whole existence. We had received 1 invitations to a ball given by a certain Lady Aylmer,, who always made a point of asking us to her entertainments ; and, though I was beginning tmbe very weary of gayeties, to decline was out of the question; so, after some deliberation as to our attire, etc., an acceptation w r as sent, and when the evening arrived, we, accompanied by our mother, crushed ourselves into a hired carriage and set out for Aylmers Court. We were received as usual, most cordially; and after a few Ranees were over I became conscious of the presence of a gentleman who seemed to regard me with some interest. He was a very nice-looking man of about thirty, rather fair, and with a small mustache slightly inclining to rbd. He was not tall, neither was he very short; his figure was good, and he had a soldier-like look abouf him which I rather admired. As usual, I was well supplied with partners, and. when Lady Aylmer approached with the individual I have just described and introduced him to me I was very glad I had a spare dance still left, for which he at once engaged me. I did not batch his name when Aylmer brought him up, and when my*.

eldest sister inquired who my netv acquaintance was I could only say he was Capt. Somebody; I fancied Bruce was the name. “A good name,” remarked Margaret; 11 1 daresay he is a relativeof Lord Bruce.” But I was doomed to undeceive her shortly, for on addressing him as CapL Bruce he smiled and told me hi? name—his name being Bebb. 1 Bebb, I thought—what a funny name! However” it did not prevent my thinking him very pleasant, and being secretly glad when lie-told me he was quartered at Norton-Folgate for some months to come. To be brief, after several meetings, Capt. Bebb, whose name had transpired in my family, began to pay me marked attention; but although in rny inmost heart I liked him, still I was well aware that for a “ Howard” to ally herself with a Bebb would be regarded as an impossibility by my family. He came to calif-endeavored to ingratiate himself witlrtny mother and sisters—sent me bouquets, books, music, and, in fact, did all lie could to show his preference, which in my heart of hearts I would fain have shown was mutual. But how could I ? My sisters, alarmed by my evident leaning toward him, instituted a system of ridiculing him which, had he only faintly guessed, would, I felt sure, have prevented him from ever again entering our house. His personal appearance was stigmatized as the most vulgar that had ever been seen; his hair, which was really brown, was always alluded to as carrots, and a shuddering tit frequently overtook Louisa, as she described the horror she had experienced when, on one fatal occasion, he had shaken hands w’itli her, and his hot, clammy clasp had almost 'given her a fit. Perhaps, owing to this, his name degenerated from Bebb into Blubber, and several times my mother herself narrowly escaped addressing him as such, so persistently was he called it behind his back?. A dead pig having been found mne morning in the sty, I was strongly" advised to go down to see the likeness, .which, from my partiality for Blubber, my sister felt sure would be interesting tome. I am ashamed to confess that I had not the moral courage to refute those un-called-for calumnies; these incessant, cruel taunts were enough for 'me; and when I did receivela proposal of marriage from Capt. Bebb my answer may be imagined. I refused him, and cried myself to sleep for many nights afterward. But the deed w T as done, and Capt. Bebb was not the one to ask again, and I heard soon afterward that he had left NortonFolgate. Seven years had passed away—still w r e were “ going out to parties;” J unwillingly, but my sisters more persistently than ever. But, alas! times had changed for us; partners were no longer plentiful, ami we were obliged to be thankful to the few who asked us to dance or offered to escort us to supper, and who were, generally speaking, mere boys, whose nursery days seemed like yesterday. However, rather tliah, return home without having danced at all, I w r as indeed glad to take a turn with them. But on one particular occasion, at a ball in the Assembly Kooms, even the boys failed us, and the three Misses Howard were standing together in a most palpably family group, when the entrance of a large party gave us some momentary diversion. •» It w-as the Aylmers Court party —Lord and Lady Aylmer, tw r o or three dowagers, a bevy of bright-eyed, pretty girls and several gentlemen. Amongst the latter, who should I recognize but my old friend and rejected admirer, Capt. Bebb! He was looking remarkably well— happy and handsome; no resemblance to a pig was possible now, surely, and for an instant a wild hope shot through my poor heart that he might sec and speak to me again. He did see, but instinctively I felt he hardly recognized me. Seven years iiad not improved me—with a bitter pang I felt that. He bowed and passed on with a young and pretty girl leaning on his arm. Oh! the mortification of”that evening—the w r eary, desperate longing I had to hide myself somewhere; but there I stood, a faded “ wall-flower,” youthfully attired in white tarlatan and blue satin ribbons, unnoticed, neglected and, yyhat I felt, far more, uncared for. . Whether lie meant it or not I could not tell, but he seemed to be perpetually passing where I stood. At last my sisters consented to go home, and Margaret, having secured the arm of a weak-minded little curate, who 5 © tiered his other .arm to my mother, the three walked across the ball-room, followed by Louisa—proud, erect, and indignant at the want ot apprpciation &he had met with —and myself with downcast eyes* and. a burning face. The cloak-room seemed a haven to me and the drive home was comparative bliss, although it was embittered by remarks from my sisters on the reappearance of Capt., or, as he was now, Col., Bebb, and the announcement that, “ after all, Nelly might have done worse.” Yes; Nelly knew that now, as many another foolish girl or elderly young lady knows when it is too late: anti, in my quiet corner, a few heavy tears dropped -Silently upon my crimson shawl when I remembered how I had allowed myself to be influenced, by ridicule, to reject what I felt sure would have secured the happiness of m3 7 life. But our ball-day's ended at last, for our mother died, and after that Marga*et and Louise gavo up the gay world,' and devoted themselves to mothers’ meetings, Bible readings and various other laudable occupations, to the great satisfaction of the curate I have before mentioned. We settled down in our little villa, and are how three confirmed maiden ladies, without much to make us care for life beyond the daily colorless routine which makes “ each day-twin imqge of- the last.” •• Once a year we go for a month to the sea-side, and during our last visit there I became much interested in some children, who, accompanied by their nurse, used to make their appearance at an early hour every morning on the sands. I was so fond of children that I soon made their acquaintance. Little Amy was four, and the elder girl about a year older, whilst there was a boy of about twe —Master Charley, las his nurse called him. It

never occurred to me to ask what their surname was, though they became quite confidential as to their small affairs generally. Papa and mamma were in London, but they were coming down soon; and.at home they had all sorts of possessions, from ponies and a tiny little basket-carriage-downward— Would I like to see them ? But what was my name if I did come? “Helen,” I answered; “but they call me Nelly at home.” “ That’s my name,” exclaimed the elder child. “ But what is your other name ?’-’ “ Mine’s Nelly Bebb. My papa is Col. Bebb, and he’s got a Victoria Cross and lots of medals.” “ Your papa!” I answered, staggered at her announcement, which I found was indeed what I instantly supposed. They were the children of my rejected admirer, Capt. Bebb. The little group on the sands had a strange fascination for me after I kpew it, and furtively I conveyed many little gifts to the children. But our prescribed month was now over, and though the weather w T as enchanting our rules were like those of the Medes and Persians —go home we must. So we went; and my last glimpse as we droye to the station was of two little friends, a joyous trio with Col. Bebb, a shade stouter than of old, but looking bronzed and jovial; whilst beside him stood a bright-faced, pretty little woman, who had accepted the happy fate which I, in my senseless girlhood, had declined. But it ig over—regrets are vain, and though my heart feels young still I am fast fading into old age now. My experience, recorded here, may make another wise, for out of the depths of my bitter disappointment 1 have written the short story of my mistaken existence. For, though doubtless there are many happy old maids, woman was not made to lead a single' life. Home ties, family cares, troubles and anxieties may be her lot; but if she is loved, and if she makes herself the center of. a little kingdom— p_Qmv-.perhapaj buL prcckmsrrrehehas jo3 r s to, balance the cares, love to smooth over the troubles, and a strong arm to shield her from danger. With that around her she is a tower of strength; she possesses that which makes life’s bitters sweet; nor can she ever have to record what I, the-poor, neglected old maid, do here—the history of a Life’s Regret.— Chambers' Journal.