Rensselaer Union, Volume 8, Number 11, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 December 1875 — Doings at the Detroit Police Court. [ARTICLE]

Doings at the Detroit Police Court.

“Was I evera pirate ’i” echoed Bijah as he pounded the Ucfor-mat against the tireplug to clean out the dust. And then placing his hand on the newsboy’s head he softly said: “No, my son, I never was a pirate. My folks were poor, and there was no chance in those old days for a boy to get along. I was forced to go to school, work, and come up poor, while there was a splendid opening to become a pirate and make a heap ot money.” “And were you alius as good as you are now?” asked the lad. “ Just the same, my boy. I wanted to be a prize-fighter, dr a burglar, or something, but I was alwdys chained down, and here I am uqw, working for two dollars a day and furnishing my own postage-stamps, when I might have been a stage-coach robber just as well as not.” THE CASE OF TAYLOR. The first prisoner out had a more lonely look than a drifting sailor, and he frankly acknowledged that he wouldn’t have got drunk for a million dollars if he had known how it would make him feel. “If this had been a quiet drunk," remarked His Honor, as he closely inspected an apple to see if a torpedo hadn’t been inserted into it, “ I might overlook it, but you planned for a regular old Potomac jamboree, and you had it. You kicked a boy on the leg; you upset a peanut stand; you whooped and yelled, and the great State of Michigan demands that you be bounced.” “ Oh! sir, I have got a big family on my hands!” *

“Forwhich I afil softy, MF-'Tiylor. However, I don’t think they willows any bread and butter by missing you.’’ “I’ll sign the pledge, your Honor.” “Too late—too late. You.were here only ten days ago, and your face plainly shows that you prefer whisky to, good beefsteak. I’ll mark yoy for sixty days.’.’ “Oh! gosh! gosh!” goshl” ekclftimed the prisoner. * ... ,~f „ “Be cajm, Mr. Taylor—Sit down and be composed. “ I can’t—oh! let me go!” “Go back in there, find an easy chair, and get your hair combed ups to make a favorable impression on the driver of the Black Maria. The decision has been made and can’t be changod.” , ~ : A BROKER. / “John 8. Newton, what is your business?” asked the Court of a big mgu with a sullen look. ' “Broker.” he growled. “ What do you break ?” ■ “Nothing.” “ Then how- are you a broker?’’ ’ “ I buy notes and sell 'em, and discount paper, and so forth.” “ Where does all this happen?” , “Home.” . “ Whpre is'your home?” 1 “Oh, dowtt hqre.” “Mr. Newton, you were drunk last night. While irf that condition you entered a grocery and fell into a basket of eggs, abused the proprietor, and-tried to pass yourself off as Prof. .Tice, of St. Louis.” ; . “It’s no suCh thing,” bluntly replied the broker. “Mr. Newton,” said ljis Honoi;, bending over the desk, “ do you intimate that this Court is a liar ?” • “N—no.” “Very well, Mr. Newton. That takes a great burden off' my mind. Nqw, then, do you want four or five officers to stand up and swear that you were drunk?” “No.” “ Very well, again. The sentence is a line of ten dollars or thirty days in the House of Correction.” The broker slowly counted out the money, and as he was ready to go His Honor said: “ Mr. Newton, as you are a stranger in town we may never meet again. My advice to you is to be more civil, improve your grammar and drink forty gallons of water to one drop of whisky.” NO ACCUSER. “ Little Mrs. Graham, the charge against you is drunkenness and disturbing the peace.” “I don’t care what the charge is, I never disturbed the peace, and I’ve been in this town forty years and no one ever saw me drunk!” she exclaimed. “ Mrs. Graham, will you speak a little slower, and put in more commas and periods in your answers?” “ Show me the man who says I was drunk when ,! was working hard all day and when I’m the honestest woman in Detroit—show me the man!” “ The aforesaid man will please come forward,” remarked the Court. No one came. “Call him—calk him—call him!” squeaked the little woman. “Is the officer here who arrested this fast-talking and highly-indignant female?” No answer. “ There! there! there!” squeaked Mrs. Graham, jumping up and down. “Mrs. Graham, I have called and he answers not. I don’t see how I can convict you, and therefore I suspend sentence. Go home and be happy!” “Yum! yum! yum!” she chuckled, as she hurried out, and Bijah said that heaven was made up of small women. A STRANGE DEFENSE. “ And Jerry Thomas, you are here with the rest,” said His Honor to the next. , “ 1 am, sir.” j “That’s right, Jerry, always respond promptly to civil questions and- speak tlie truth when you speak at all.. Now about that little affair last evening? Were you leaning up against the fence because you were tired?” “ No, sir; Iliad the eai - ache.,’’ “Ah-ha! And did the earache induce you to kick at the officers?” “Yes, “ And to roll one of them in the mud ?” “ Yes, sir.” “ And to oblige them to draw: you down here in a cart?” “ Yes, sir.” n “ Well, I’ll make a law against the earache, and under its provisions I fine you ten dollars.” “You can’t do it!’’ “ But I have done it.” “ But 1 won’t pay!” “Then you go up for thirty days. “ But I won’t!” “ But you have already gone!” And Bijah led him away.— Detroit Free Press. ■