Rensselaer Union, Volume 8, Number 7, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 4 November 1875 — Talked Himself to Death. [ARTICLE]

Talked Himself to Death.

He got off-the morning train the other Jay aijd meandered up into the city, and stopped in front of a fine-looking residence on Munson street. He opened the gate, walked up to the door and pulled the bell. In a moment it was opened and he stepped quickly inside. “ You see,” he said to the astonished girl, “ I much prefer to do my talking inside. It is so unpleasant to have the door closed in one’s face when only half through.’’ He walked into the parlor, and the frightened girl went to intorm her mistress that a sewing-machine man or bookpeddler had gained access to the house. The lady entered the room and was greeted by the young man of cheek as follows: “ They call me a blessing, the ladies do, and I am, madam. lam a labor-sav-ing benefactor to the whole sex. I have a little invention which I am introducing— little gem. It is, madam, a small, silver-plated, gilt-point concern, which will allow you to wear the new style of pull-back dresses with perfect ease and comfort.” “ What do you mean, sir ?” demanded the lady. “ No longer, madam, will you have to take your meals otf from the mantel-piece. You can sit down as easily as in the oldstyle barrel-shaped dresses. When you travel you won’t have to lean up against the water-cooler, nor sit on the sharp edge seat arm. The little invention which will thus facilitate your movements retails for only one dollar.' It is called the semicylinder, double-duplex non-conductor, magical pull-back dress-fastener,” and he opened his sachel and took out a half metal and wooden concern, and said: “Only one dollar! You place it under your skirts this way “ (illustrating with his coat-tail),” and when you desire to sit down pull the right-hand string, which you can have come out m your pocket, and lo! down you gently float until you reach tile chair. If you desire to get into a carriage, drop the invention by pulling this string, put your foot on the spring, and you'll find yourself in the carriage in an instant.” The lady called her husband to see the new invention, and the agent explained its workings to him. As the husband’s eye fell upon the agent a wicked thought flashed through his brain, and he determined to be revenged. “ This is a new invention,” began the agent,'‘>o enable ladies to draw back their skirts much tighter than at present and, at the same time, allow them to sit down. It is called the high-fangled drawback and squeeze-together, new modus operands. Ladies say lam a labor-saving benefactor, that lam an everlasting——” “ Wait!” shouted the husband; “please explain its workings again.” The agent did so. “ Why, that would make a good havhofcten”- • “ Yes,” answered the agent, “ but it is more particularly designed for ladies.” The husband sent for his daughter to examine the invention. “ This a new unparalleled, upright lon-square-shaped perpendicular, two degrees south by four west, extra strong, sling together,#nd squash up, pull-back which I am selling fojfone dollar. Ladies call me “ Hold on.” shouted the husband and father, “ until I call my other daughter,” and he waltzed out of ’the room, and returned with the hired girl and the cham.bermaid. ' You see, ladies,” began the .agent, “ ttes is a flop-over and stand-yo'u-up magical, tragical, two strings to the right and one in the center, invention for pulling back your skirts,” and he went on for half an hour, during which time the husband slipped over to the next house and induced the inmates to come over and bear the agent talk. He returned with •cc women and four children, just as the agent was winding up for she fourth time. .Escorting one person into the rdom at a time, he had the agent tell each one about the “ invention.” He stationed a small boy out in the hall with a lead pencil, who was instructed to make a mark on the

wall every time the agent repeated his story. The stock he had brought in was exhausted about noon, when he sent a messenger around the ward tOjfcend in the neighbors, and the agent was kept telling his story without intermission till near midnight. As the sun disappea/ed behind the western horizon, the agent began to showsigns of fatigue, but the husband was as fresh as ever. Eleven minutes to twelve o’clock the agent, who had just completed ; his yarn for the 216th time, looked upaqd gasped. A glass of water was thrown in his face, anti the husband told the, boy to run in half a dozen more jiersons, for he thought he could finish the agent now in about an hour and a half. The' boy left to rouse up the neighborhood, to find half a dozen who had not yet. heard the story of the “ invention." When he was absent frequent stimulants had to be given the agent to prevent him from fainting. Shortly the boy returned, saying that no more neighbors could be found, as they had all gone on an excursion. The husband on hearing this was in despair, but he had the agent repeat the story to him a couple of times, a couple of times to the boy and once to himself. When he had finished he was so far exhausted as to be unable to sit up. A fiendish smile stole across the features of the husband as he said: “ Young man, I have hoped for this moment. I have been haunted almost to death by agents. The last man that came along swindled me out of two dollars, and I then took a terrible oath I would be revenged upon the next man that attempted to gull me. Know, then, that I have induced these persons who have listened to your eloquence to come in, that I might turn your own weapon against you. You have talked yourself to death. Thank Heaven, 1 have succeeded in my revenge. You can live but a few moments longer, but before you die I pray you to repeat again that well-known story.” The agent braced himself up against the side of the room, a glass of water was given him, and he began* “ You see, I have a double duplex ” And he was dead. The Coroner was summoned, an inquest held, the jury returning a verdict that the deceased came to his death by too much circumlocution of the jaw, and thev contributed their fees to the husband, and caused a diploma to be awarded him as a testimonial of the good he had done the public. Anyone now’ passing Munson street can see a sign hung on the front door of a finelooking mansion, which reads; “ Agents, Beware! ” — Danbury News.