Rensselaer Union, Volume 7, Number 44, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 22 July 1875 — VARIETY AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

VARIETY AND HUMOR.

—Disbursing officers do a paying business. —The stamp of civilization —The postal stamp. —Children should be seen to, not herded. x~Fun. —A shirt on your back is worth two in the bush. —A bee in the hand is worse’n two in the bush. —How to pleas.e a lady—Let her do as she pleases. —lt beats aM how many book agents escape death. —ls you don’t bridle your tongue, saddle be your fate. —lt may be here remarked that astronomy is’ the eye road to heaven. —Lovers will be pleased to learn that August will have two moons. —ln what respect'does a Bishop resemble a fish? Both live in the see! —At a recent spelling-match one man spelled it “gasnip,” ana got beet. —Babies are described as coupons attached to the bonds of matrimony. —A toper is never good enough to eat, but lie may be drunk with impunity. —A man who is in health is not morally entitled to anything which he does not earn. —Ben Franklin said he could tell a nice woman by the way she kneaded her dough. —New Jersey makes vagabonds earn their lodgings by sawing wood and pounding stone. —A Philadelphia woman swore that her husband’s conduct was enough to “irrigate an angel.” —Now the question is: Did tlie dictionary publishers get up that spelling mania last winter? —Why is a woman living up two pairs of stairs a perfect goddess? Because she’s a second Flora. —Lightning-rod men have acquired a new argument: “ Spare the rod and you spoil the chimney.” —Too many sales “on time” have-ne-cessitated the closure of several Connecticut clock manufactories. » —The Rothschilds all declare they never pay for their puffs, and yet one of them smokes cheap sixty-cent cigars. —Wisdom for women: It is better to love a man you can never marry than to marry a man that you can never love. —Palm-leaf fans are becoming more popular than any other at church, as they effectually hide the most elastic yawn. —The State Prison at Philadelphia has stopped cigar-making, being unable to compete with the Connecticut institution. —A Boston man has run for office nineteen times, and as he has never been elected he talks of withdrawing his name. —Louisville had a novel matrimonial sensation a fortnight ago. A Chinee was the he then, and a lady of color the she then. —A furpl of a million has been guaranteed to be expended in proving the continuity of several of the Cottonwood (Col.) mines. —Five thousand men gain an honest livelihood in the West by gathering buffalo bones. Their song is “ gather them in.” —Postmaster-Gen. Jewell is in favor of discontinuing the letter-carrier system in all cities having a population of 100,000 and less. —There is fresh activity in the Pennsyl-. vania oil region. Many of the old wells are still active and nine new ones have been started. —A fashion journal advertises “that there is little change in gentlemen’s trousers this month.” Perhaps they allude to the pockets. —ln Burlington, Vt., three churches recently were struck by lightning and a number of persons, who were at prayer-meet-ings, were knocked down. —The honest man who tells his wife everything that happens is matched by the man who tells his better half many things which do not happen. —The Hartford Times gives notice that it doesn’t want any more specimen potatobugs. It will sift Paris green on tlie head of the next man that brio gs any of ’em. —The Mobile (Ala.) Tribune says that two men recently dug up near the Devil’s Bend, in Mobile Bay, an iron box containing $75,000 in gold, which had been buried there years ago by the pirate Lafitte. —Some of the Amherst College boys spent three hours’ time one dark night hoisting a calf up into one of the recitationxooms, when one of their own number could have walked right up in broad daylight.