Rensselaer Union, Volume 7, Number 43, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 July 1875 — Doesticks and Artemus Ward. [ARTICLE]

Doesticks and Artemus Ward.

In 1862 Doesticks and Artemas Ward were in Washington. The latter had one practical joke which he delighted to perpetrate on every occasion. That joke w'as to rush up behind some old fellow, slap him on the back, grasp him by the hand, and greet him with the most cordial “How are you, George!” and then apologize to the surprised man by saying he took him for an old friend, George Munson. Well, one night in 1862 it was my fortune to go into Hammock’s old saloon, opposite the Treasury Department, in Washington, with Doesticks and Artemas. In the back end of the saloon, up five or six stairs, sat an old Maryland farmer—just the kind'of an honest, unsuspectinglooking old fellow as Artemas always liked to strike for his recognition joke. Doesticks saw the old farmer, and, telling me to stay in the front part of the saloon with Artemas, out of sight of the old man, he went back himselfzto the farmer and perpetrated Artemas’ old joke on him. Rushing up to the old countryman, slapping him on the back and grasping him by the hand, he sung out: “ How are you, George, old fellow—glad to see you—haven’t seen you in an age—liow’ve you been ? how’s the farm ? how’s ” “You have the advantage of me, stranger,” interrupted the man in surprise. “ O! I beg pardon, sir,” exclaimed Doesticks, in the humblest manner, “ I beg ten thousand pardons, sir. I topk you for my old friend, George Munson, but M ~ __

“ All right, sir—mistakes will happen; we’re all liable to mistakes,” says the stranger, and then Doesticks came back and joined us, while the old farmer went on eating. Artemas was too busy to notice what Doesticks had done, and as Q. K. Philander came back he sauntered up to Artemas and said: “ I say, Artemas; d’yousee that old farmer over there ?” “ What, the old man eating pumpkin pie with his knife ?” “Yes,” said Doesticks, bowing. “ Well, he’s a good man to come your recognition joke on; try it, Artemas!” “ All right, Mort,” says Artemas. “You fellows stan’ here an’ I’ll show you fun. I’ll puzzle that ol’ farmer till he don’t know pum’kin pie from tripe.” Then Artemas walked along up the steps toward him. As he got alongside of the old farmer he gave a lurch and grasped his hand violently with a—- “ How are you, George! God bless your old bald head. How’s Sarah’n the children? How r ’s ”

“ Now, look here,” shouted the farmer, as he tipped over the table in his effort to get up quick, “ that’s twice you’ve blundered round here. Now, you git!” and he caught poor Artemas by the coat-collar and shook his fist in his face. “ I beg pardon, sir,” stammered Artemas. “f took you for my old friend George Mun ” “Yes, an’ that’s twice you’ve took me for your old friend George Munson, you stupid idiot, you! D’you take me for a fool—do you? Oh! 1 could lick the eyes out of you—you —you ” and the old farmer swayed his big fist in the air, but Artemas slid “ down and out,” and came back to Doesticks all out of breath. “I tried it, Mort,” puffed Artemas between his breath, “but —the —blamed— old—fool got mad. He didn’t—know enough to take—the joke—and ” “Why, Charley, you ought to have known better,” said just come that same jokewFthe old man myself. You can’t ’spect a man to stand that joke over twice in ten minutes, can you*” ® Artemas never replied, but went straight down to Willard’s Hotel and went to ted. — ls. F. Cor. Chicago Inter-Ocean. * Lakge quantities of witch-hazel are being cut in the wooded country north of Little Falls, N. Y r ., which is drawn to that village, where it passes through some process before it is shipped to Europe and elsewhere, to be used for medicinal purposes. The hazel is worth $8 per ordinary wagon-load, and those persons who have for years. regarded the saplings worthless as it grew upon their premises are now realizing a handsome revenue in its sale.