Rensselaer Union, Volume 7, Number 37, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 3 June 1875 — VARIETY AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

VARIETY AND HUMOR.

—Duluth is fifteen years old and never had but one breach-of-promise suit, and that was settled by giving the plaintiffs father a pair of cowhide boots with red tops. —“ I want you to catch burglars," says the New York Chief of Police to his men, “ but you must remember that it’s best to shoot ’em first and catch ’em afterward.” —Mrs. Ridgway, one of the victims of the, Schiller disaster, left a fortune of $50,000 to Emaline Gunn, who was employed as a house-servant at Sheffield, Connecticut.

—George Cary Egglestone advises men in moderate circumstances not to marry rich wives, as the cost of maintaining them usually exceeds the amount they contribute to the general fund. —Prof. Cleveland G. Newberry, one of the Black Hills geological party, has resigned. He says it is on account of being poisoned, but he does not tell on what account the poisoning was done. —They sell tickets for a spellingmatch in San Francisco, and when the guests are congregated two game roosters are put in the pit and allowed to spell at each other as long as they please. —“Champ, champ, champ,” goes the grasshopper of the period; and then, glancing up with a wink in one eye, he remarks: “Who says we are not the “ champ-ions of the nation?”— Chicago ~Journal. —A reviewer in the New York Tribune defines a real poet as “ a singer whose verses haunt your twilights.” This definition is undeniably a good one, and if accepted at once places the mosquito in the front rank.— St. Louis Republican. •' —An old man who has just returned to Florida from the Lexington centennial says he don’t believe he will attend the next centennial held at that place, as he is getting too old and can’t stand such cold weather, besides the trip is too long for an old man. — Florida Union. —The Fort Scott Monitor claims that the 20,000,000 prairie chickens and quail sent to market from Kansas last vear would have devoured at least 60,00(5,000 grasshoppers had they been left unmolested, and urges the people to prevent the slaughter ot those birds this season. —lt must be rather binding on a man 110 years old to pick up his favorite paper in the morning and find a quotation in the leading editorial like this: The good die young; But those whose hearts are dry as summer dust Bum to the socket. —An instance of shoddy aristocracy «eanness is reported from the South nd, Boston, where a wealthy woman hired for a servant her own sister, treated her in all respects as a menial, and, though she and her husband, having no children, diaod alone when no company was in the house, they never permitted the sister ho sit with them. —The Austin (Nev.) Reveille says: “ The Indians have found a new gambling game. They place a small stick in the ground and throw half-dollar pieces at it, the one throwing nearest the mark raking in all the pieces which lie on the ground. This game seems to possess as much interest ror the noble sons of the forest as Indian poker or white man’s monte.” —A full-grown man carries a pound and three-fourths cf phosphorus about in his body.— Philadelphia North American. Here is an item worth the consideration of match-making mammas.—J. T, Commercial Advertiser. The mammas know it —hence the fuss-for-us.— Cincinnati Times. De-light-ful ideas. And don’t they bring us to the scratch?— St. Louis Republican. —The London Tunes contrasts the English and American efforts to reduce the national debt as follows: “We cannot but feel with regret that the United States in this respect show more the high spirit of a nation conscious of a great destiny, and anxious above all things that no short-comings of the present generation shall interfere with the teachings their children have received.”

A new industry is rapidly developing in Russia—the obtaining of petroleum. This mineral oil is found in enormous quantities in the trans-Caucasus. To Lead all Competitors is the aim of the proprietors of the Wilson shuttle sewiDg machine. It is founded on the very best principles known to sewing-machine science, and improvements, in advance of all other sewing-machines, are being adopted constantly—The Wilson is rapidly gaining the preference of all parties thatare acquainted with sewing-machines, and it has already taken the front rank among the first-class machines of this country; and its price, owing to its being manufactured where labor and material are much cheaper than in Eastern cities, is fifteen dollars less than all other first-class machines. Machines will be * delivered at any railroad station in this county, free of transportation charges, if ordered through the company’s branch house, 197 State street, Chicago. They send an elegant catalogue and enromo circular free on application. The company want a few more good agents. Dr. Walker tried various extracts from herbs and roots, without benefit. He noticed, however, that Alcohol, that bane of the human race, was used in their preparation, and he determined to exclude the poison entirely from his own practice, so that the sin of making nien drunkards, while pretending to cure them, should never lie at his door. The Almighty blessed his experiments, and in the Vinegar Bitters he has produced a pure, health-restoring agent which banishes disease in every form, reinvigorates the system, and restores strength to the feeblest sufferer. There is no part of life’s citadel where the enemy can make a lodgment that the Vinegar Bitters will not find him, and put him to the rout. Impurity of blood is the parent of disease; the liver, the stomach, the lungs, the nerves, evfery vital organ is affected primarily from this cause, and in this direction the Vinegar Bitters acts with magical influence. •37 Wilhoft’s Tonic I—A Safe, Sure and Scientific Curb! —The unprecedented sale of this world-renowned medicine proves incontestibly that no remedy has superseded the use of this reliable Tonic. No spleen has been found so'hard as not to yield to its softening influence, and no liver so hypertrophied as not to give up its long-retained bilious secretions, and no Chill or Fever has vet refused to fall into line. WheelPck, Finlay & Co., Proprietors, New Orleans. For bale by all Druggists. It is a fact which eannot be donbted that ever since Geo. P. Bowell <fc Co., the New York advertising agents, commenced business in the advertising agency line they have continued to systematize ana the business to expand, until at the present timeevenr newspaper Knows the firm as well as it does it% own office, and the leviathans of - advertising literature look upon their facilities for expediting and economising work as the sheetanchor of their success. —Davenport {low) Democrat. t %