Rensselaer Union, Volume 7, Number 33, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 May 1875 — COMING TO WOO. [ARTICLE]

COMING TO WOO.

BY EBEN E. REXFORD.

When Aunt Philanda went away the last thing she said to me was : “I’m going to send somebody down to ~see you afore long, an’ I hope you’ll act like a sensible girl an’ not stand in your own way. He’s smart as the averidge, an’ he’s got the best farm I know on anywhere in our section of country. You couldn’t do better.” I hadn’t the faintest idea that she would do as she said, but I began to believe she meant business when I received the following letter: My Dear Niece Mariau —l’ve told Mr. Green about you an’ he says he’s goin’to come down to your place next week. I do hope you’ll like him, for a better husband never lived than he’d make you. Afore Mehetabel —that’s his first wife-died he was one of jthc best pcrviders I ever see, an’ the land knows he’s had to be senee, for that sister of his that keeps house for him is awful wasteful. He’s considerable to.ok up with you from mv description an’ I know he’ll like you. Anybody that’s smart and capable can do well to marry him. The children are purty behaved and take after their father. Now don’t think he won’t suit you ’cause he ain’t fixed up like a young man, He’s worth a dozen young men fur’s property’s concerned, an’ Mehetabel used to say he was awful lovin’. Do be a sensible girl, Mariar, and —and not stand in your own light. From your affectionate aunt, Phuanda. “For goodness sake!” I exclaimed, when I had read the letter through to sister Jane, “ what shall I do? Here it’s Monday, and the letter ought to have been here last week. He’s likely to happen along any time. Such an old fool as Aunt Philanda is! the idea of my marrying"an old widower with half a dozen children.” “But they’re putty behaved, and take after their father,” said Jane, wiping the tears from her eyes, and hardly able to talk from laughing, “ and he’s awful lovin’.” “ I don't want any of his losing ways *’round me,” says I, indignantly.'” I won’t speak to him. She might have known better. I think it’s a regular insult.” “ I tell you what,” cried Jane, her eyes luminous with a bright idea. “ Let me pretend that PniViu. “ I’ll be Maria for the time being, and you be Jane.” “ What good will it do ?” I asked. “ Ever so much,” answered she; “ father and mother won’t be back for four or five days, and I can tire him out before that time. I’ll be deaf. Won’t that be splendid? I won’t be able to hear anything low r er than a shout.” “I am agreeable to the plan,” I said. And Jane began to make preparations for _ her wooer. She combed down her hair smoothly on each side of her face and put on mother’s old mohair cap. Then she added spectacles and Arranged " herself in an antiquated old dresg. When .‘ffie had finished her toilet she looked old-maidish,

I assure you. I laughed till I cried. About' three o’clock there came a rap at the door. “ It’s him, I’ll bet,” cried Jane. “If it is, remember I’m Maria, and can’t hear you unless you talk very loud.” I went to the door and opened it. There •stood Mr. Green, I was sure. He had on his Sunday best, evidently, and very comi cal he looked in it, and very uncomfortable he felt, judging from his actions. He was wiping his face with a huge red and yellow handkerchief. “I’m Mr. Green,” he said, making a bow and introducing himself at the same time; “ I came to see Miss Mariar Lawton. Be you her?” “ She’s expecting you; she is in the parlor. Come in,” I said, choking with laughter. “ You’ll have to talk a-Httlc louder than usual, for she’s a trifle deaf.” “ Deaf,” exclaimed Mr. Green. “ Your aunt did not mention that.” By that time we were at the parlor door. Jane was all expectation, and did look so comical that I thought I should laugh or die. But I managed to keep my face v tolerably straight while I introduced them. “ Maria, this is Mr. Green!” shouted I, in a shrill key, putting my mouth close to her ear. “A little louder,” said she, and I shouted “ Mr. Gr“en” an octave higher. The poor man looked terribly disappointed . His fancy had not painted her in true colors, evidently. “ Ah, yes, Mr. Green,” said Jane, fairly beaming with delight. “ How do you do?” and she shook the poor gentleman’s hand energetically. “Jane, get Mr. Green a chair. Put it here by' the side of mine, so that lie can talk to me. I’m happy to see you sir. Aunt Philanda spoke of you in very complimentary terms indeed.” ‘ “I’m glad of that,” said Mr. Green, sinking into the chair. “Eh? what did you say?” said Jane, turning her ear toward him. “A trifle louder, if j'o** please.” Mr. Green repeated his remark, while I retired to the window to laugh. “ A very fine day,” he added.

V “ Good crop of hay ? I’m glad of it,” responded Jane. “I’m greatly interested ia farm matters, Mr. Green.” “ I said the weather was fine,” corrected Mr. Green. “When’ll I’ll be yours? Why, you’re so sudden, Mr. Green,” exclaimed Jane, pretending to blush, “ I don’t really feel as if I knew you yet. And yet, my heart tells me that you are an affinity,” and then the wicked ’girl smiled most bewitchingly upon the uneasy man, who looked at me appealingly".’ “I didn’t say that,” he shouted. “I spoke about the weather.” “Yes, I hope we’ll be happy together,” said Jane, pensively. “Oh, Mr. Green, if you knew how I have longed for the companionship of some heart like yours these many years,” and then she proceeded to shed unseen tears in her handkerchief. Mr. Green was touched. “She’s awful affecksnunate, ain’t she?” he said to me. “ I wish she wasn’t so awful deaf. Can’t anything be done for her?” “Oh, you won’tmind that after a little,” said I, cheerfully. “We don’t.” “I dun’no ’boutthat,” said Mr. Green, doubtfully. “We couldn’t never have no secrets, ’cause the neighbors ’ld hear ’em ’fore she did, if I went to tellin’ her any. Don’t seem to me’s if I ever saw anybody quite so deef as she is.” “ Talk to me,” said Jane, had dried her eyes. “Tell me all about your children. I know I shall take so much comfort with them. Bless their souls!” Thereupon Mr. Green began his family history away up in the higher octaves, and I got so nearly deafened at his shouting that I had to leave the room. I sat down on the back steps and laughed for half an hour. When I stopped I could hear him shouting still, but I fancied he whs getting hoarse. Jane kept talking all the afternoon. I never saw anyone quite so relieved as he was when I announced that supper was in readiness. Jane fastened herself upon him and accompanied him to the supper table. “ It’s such an lawful pity about her,” said the poor man to me, regretfully. ‘ She’s got a wonderful affeckshunate way, an’ she’s awful anxious to be Mrs. Green; but—’ ’ and there Mr. Green stopped, dubiously, “ I know’d an old woman who was so deef that when it thundered, once, she thought some one was knockin’ an’ hollered ‘com in;’ an’ she didn’t begin to. be as deef as she is, no, not begin. I don’t s’pose you’d be willing to settle down on a farm, now, would you?” hopefully.. “ Oh, I couldn’t think of suoh a thing,” I answ r ered. “ Maria’s the wife for a fanner. She takes such an interest in such matters.” “ That’s a fact,” said Mr. Green. “ I dun’ no when I’ve seen a woman more interested than she is. I swan, I’d give twenty-five dollars if ’twouldcure her, an’ up our way we can get a good cow for that price.” Mr. Green had got so used to talking to Jane that he had forgotten that I was not deaf, and shouted the last sentence at me. “ You say you’re fond of rice? Oh, so ami,” said Jane, delightedly. “Jane,” to me, “ you put some on to cook after supper ; we’ll have some for breakfast. ” “ Don’t put yourself out for me,” shouted Mr. Green.

“ Wish you had some for tea, did you say? I wish so too.” Jane smiled another tender smile at her suitor, and sipped her tea slowly, smiling at him every time he looked at her. “ Where’s your folks ?” he asked, suddenly, as if he had just thought of them. “ Yes, it is a good plan,” answered Jane, nodding her head appreciatively. “ Geese always ought to wear pokes. If they don’t, they’ll get into the garden and eat everything up.” “ I asked after your father an’ mother,’ shouted Mr. Green, with awful emphasis, and turning red in the face with the exertion. “ Let me see,” said Jane, thoughtfully, “Henry Bascom’s brother? No, Mr. Green, I don’t think I ever knew T him.” “ ©h, dear,” groaned Mr. Green. “ She gets deefer and ileefer. - I can’t marry her. What if I wanted to say anything to her in the dead of night? I’d have to wake up the hull house to make her hear. It’s an awful pity, I swap.” Jane kept him shouting at her all the evening under the beaming effulgence of her smile. I never laughed so much in my life before. He came into the kitchen the next morning, where I was busy getting brea&fast. “ I’m so hoarse I can hardly talkloud,” he said, mournfully. “I like her. She’s smart naturally, and seems willin’, an’ wants to get married as bad as any woman I ever see; but she’s too deef! I guess I won’t stop to breakfast, ’cause it’ll only make her set on havin’ me, An’ I can’t make such a sacrifice for the sake of anybody. If you’d only think favorable ’bout it, I’d stay. Couldn’t you now, s’pose ?” with a very tender smile. “Not for a minute,” said I. And seeing there was no hope Mr. Green took his departure. Aunt Philinda evidently saw through the state of affairs as reported to her by Mr. Green, for she hasn’t been visiting since. I wonder if lie’s still single.