Rensselaer Union, Volume 7, Number 28, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 April 1875 — PHUNNYGRAMS. [ARTICLE]

PHUNNYGRAMS.

—“ Never was killed yet!” exclaimed a Detroit boy the other day as he got up from being knocked over by a cutter. —Diedrich, lately married, says: “It vas yoost so easy os a needle cood valk oud mit a camel’s eye as to get der behint word mit a vomans. ” —lt is sad to think of the condition of the man’s soul who says that the more peevish women there are in the world the sooner shall we be able to listen unmoved to the filing of a saw. —Patient to doctors after consultation: “Tell me the worst, gentlemen; am I going to die?” Doctors: “We are divided on that question, sir; but there is a majority of one that you will live.” —A young lady in a neighboring town is engaged to be married to a gentleman named Homer Place; and you can judge for yourself whether she thinks “ there’s no Place like Homer” not. — Norristown Herald. —Six Milwaukee women with babies met the other day and agreed to vote which was the handsomest infant. Each got one vote, and you ought to have seen how those women looked at each other!

—A young bride who had been fashionably educated was asked by herfhusband to attend to the ordering of the dinner. It is a fact that she blandly requested the butcher to send home a “ leg of tongue, seventeen pounds of steak and two halibut.” —An inebriate precipitated himself down-stairs and on striking the landing reproachfully apostrophized himself with: “If you’d been a-wantin’ to come down-stairs why in thunder didn’t you say so, you wooden-headed old fool, an’ I’d a come with you an’ showed you the way?” —A poor woman went to her minister asking him to come and perform the funeral service of her fourth husband, he having officiated for the three who had previously disappeared from the public view. “Why, Bridget, how is this?” asked the reverend gentleman. “ Ah, it’s mighty bad,” she replied. “ There was never a poor woman worn down with such a lot of dying men as I’ve been." —A little girl about nine years old, says the Detroit Free Press, was crossing the Campus Martius yesterday, hav ing her father’s dinner-pail on her arm, when a man gave a pull at the long braid of her hair hanging down her /back. “Did you dothat, sir?” she exclaimed whirling around. He admitted that he did and she continued: “ Maybe you don’t know who I am, sir. I’m engaged to Jack Thompson, sir, and we’re to be married in nine years, sir!” —The other evening when a Sixth street father boxed his son’s ears as a punishment for impudence the lad stood before him and remarked: “See here, father, I was reading fes morning that the drum of the ear is one of the most sensitive things in the human system. A sudden blow upon the ear is’ liable to produce deafness, and the practice of cuffing children cannot be too severely censured. It is but a relic of that dark period when a man with a wart on his nose was put to death as a sorcerer.— Danbury News. —“ Is this new maple sugar?" “Yes, sir.” “Sure of it?” “Yes, sir.” “You didn’t take old sugar and warm it over?” “ Do I look like a man that would do such a thing as that?” exclaimed the grocer, puffed with dignity;. “ Answer my question,” continued the citizen. “ Do you suppose I’d be as mean as that?” demanded the grocer. “ Don't seek to evade the question. Didn’t you warm over old sugar?” “Do you think I did?” “ Didn’t you?” “ Sir,” said the grocer, turning away, “I’ve lived in this town twenty-nine years and I was never insulted before.” The citizen passed on, and the grocer got down spine more old cakes for the boys to* melt over.— Detroit Free Press. „ —The New York city Postoffice is selling over |I,OOO worth of newspaper stamps alone, a day.