Rensselaer Union, Volume 7, Number 25, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 11 March 1875 — PHUNNYGRAMS. [ARTICLE]

PHUNNYGRAMS.

—lt is time to stop talking about the, softening influence of women. A Massachusetts man who has four wives has just been sent to the Penitentiary for stealing horses. —Said a little girl to another, “My ma can take all her teeth out of her mouth, and yours can’t.” “ I have got a dead grandma and you haven’t,” was the retort.— Westfield Times. —A young man in a music shop was lately overpowered by a fastidious young lady," who’ wanted to purchase “ Mr. Hood’s—a —song of the —a —gentleman’s undergarment!’’ The young inan is still alive. —A Danbury man who was discussing the woman question, taking grounds against her ability to follow masculine pursuits, finally admitted that woman was well enough in her way so long as she did not attempt to sharpen pencils. —“Why,” said a country clergyman to his flock, “do you always sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attention to every stranger I invite?” “Because, sir,” was the reply, “when you preach, I’m sure all's right; but I cannot trust a stranger without keeping a good lookout.” —A precocious boy was asked which was the greater evil of the two, hurting another’s feelings or his finger. He said the former. “ Right, my dear child,” said the gratified questioner; “ and why is it worse to hurt the feelings?” “ Because you can’t tie a rag around them,” explained the dear child. —A red-haired lady, who was ambitious of literary distinction, found but a poor sale for her book. A gentleman, in speaking of her disappointment, said: “ Her hair is red (read) if her book is not.” An auditor, in attempting to relate the joke elsewhere, said: “She has red hair, if her book hasn’t.”

—Judge (to intelligent juryman): “ Would you convict a m m on circumstantial evidence?” “Idunno wot dat is, Jedge.” “ Well,what do youthink it is?” “Well, ’cordin’ tb my jedgment, sarcumstanshil is ’bout dis: Es one man shoots anudder an’ kills him, he orter be hung for it. Es he don’t kill him, he qrter go to de plenipotentiary.” —An.English physician recently removed a section,*of a patient’s liver, placed it on a plate, scraped it carefully and returned it to its place, fully restored to its normal action. This promises to work a revolution in the treatment of disease, and in a few years we will have an addition to domestic literature something like this: “ Husband, I wish you would take John’s right lung down to the doctor this morning and have the middle valve fixed,” or “ Will you step into doctor’s when you come home this noon and see if he has Mary's liver mended, as she wants to go out to tea this evening.” The practice will become so common in t mewe are sure that none of the neighbors will be in any way startled to see a wife with a veil tied around her head leaning out of a bedroom window and shouting to a receding husband: “Jer-e-miah! tell Dr. Scrapem to send up Willie’s right kidney at once, whether it is done or not. He’s had it there more’n a week and the child might as well be without any kidney and done withit!” — Danbury 3 ew». ■ : Decay of the teeth is really caused by their being dissolved by acids generated in the mouth by the decomposition of sniall particles of food. It is clear, therefore, tha| the only method of preventing this is to apply the brush immediately after every meal. Soap is the be-t substance to ( use on though it is. adviaable occasionally to use a rather rough powder of some kind to keep the teeth in brilliant polish.