Rensselaer Union, Volume 7, Number 22, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 18 February 1875 — PHUNNYGRAMS. [ARTICLE]

PHUNNYGRAMS.

—An impassioned, swain, under a bad spell, wrote: “ Mary. I love the well.” She replied that she was glad he didn’t drink liquor. . —“ Can’t you make any allowance for a man’s being drunk?” “ Certainly!” said the Judge, “I’ll allow you thirty days in th* workhouse.” —During a trial the Judge called a :witness. No one answered, and an elderly man arose and solemnly said: “He is gone.” “Where has he gone?” asked the Judge, in no tender tone. “ I don’t know, but he is dead,” was the guarded answer. —“ Want to ride, mum,” said an obliging conductor of a city street car to a lady who was hurrying along the walk, apparently intent on going somewhere. “ No, thank you,” replied she; “ I’m In a hurry, and’l guess I’ll just trot along and catch the car that’s gone down ahead of you.” —lt is said that “ a church sexton in Watertown, N. Y. has officiated at 4,893 funerals and cried at every one of them, and he has tears enough for as many more funerals.” If that man should take a sudden notion one of these days to break away the dam and shed all those tears at once it would be a sad thing for the people who live further down the valley. —A grocer stepped out of his door yesterday just as a boy had filled his pocket with apples from a barrel, and he shouted: “Here! you have been stealing apples—police! police!” “ Don’t holler out that way!” replied the boy, as he put the apples back. “ Bill bet me that my pocket wouldn’t hold three old soakers, and I was just trying to see. I’m open to such bets every day in the week!”— Detroit Free Press.