Rensselaer Union, Volume 7, Number 21, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 11 February 1875 — PHUNNYGRAMS. [ARTICLE]

PHUNNYGRAMS.

How charmingly naive she is,’’said a young beau to a crusty old gentleman. ‘‘^ nave! ” exclaimed the latter, gazing through his spectacles toward the coquettish beauty indicated. “ I should say more of a fool.” “Where’s the molasses, Bill?” saida red-headed woman sharply to her son, who had returned with an empty jug. “ None in the city, mother. Every grocery has a large board outside with the letters chalked on it: ‘N. O Molasses.’” —Said a young married lady recently to a friend: “My husband often said before marriage that he would love me to death, and I really fear he will, for I cannot even visit a neighbor’s without his fallim; upon my ndbk, kissing me twenty times, and begging me to return soon.” —A sailor’s wife had just received intelligence that her husband had perished at sea. She was visited by a neighbor who sympathized with her on her loss and expressed a fear that she would be poorly off. “ ’Deed will I,” said the widow; “but he did all he could for me—he’s saved me the expense of his buryin’.” —A Vermont schoolmaster says he never felt unequal to any demand in the line of his profession, excepting on one occasion, when a farmer brought his bouncing, fifteen-year-old daughter to the school, and, walking ap to the master’s desk, said: “ That’s my youngest gal, and if you ever catch her slidin’ down hill with the boys, I just want you to trounce her.” —A lady was leading a little black and tan dog. When she reached the corner a boy suddenly cut the string and, giving a yell that a boy only can give, black and tan put down the avenue at his best pace. The lady caught the boy and gave him a lew smart raps on the head with the handle of her parasol; and being asked what she was doing naively answered: “ I’m handling the nucleus of a very bad man.” —He was yelling “ Black yer butes!” in front of the Postofflce yesterday, and chewing away at a monstrous quid of gum, when another boy came along and screamed: “ Say, Bill, s’posan ye let me chaw that for awhile, I’ll give ’er back termorrer.” “ All right—give me a receipt.” JlWhat fur?” “What fur? Why, s’posen ye happened to die tonight and I hadn’t anything to show? How’d I ever git this gum back?”—Detroit Free Press. —An aristocratic but economical matron in Chicago has bought a forty-cent tea-bell and invented a paragon of servant, whose only imperfection is her deafness, when she has company at tea the mistress rings and rings for the cake basket, or more hot water, or something, then, with the remark that Jane gets dealer and deafer every day, goes for it herself and returns, maintaining a ventriloquial conversation with the imaginary Jane all the way up the basement stairs. —“ Disease is very various,” said Mrs. Partington, as she’ returned from the street door after conversation with Dr. Bolus. “ The doctor tells me that poor old Mrs. Hare has got two buckles on her lungs! It is dreadful to think of, I declare! The disease is so various! One day we hear of people’s dying of hermitage of the lungs; another day of the brown creatures ; here they tell us of the elementary canal being out of order, and there about tonsors of the throat; here we hear of neurology in the head, there of embargo; on one side of us we hear of men being killed by getting a pound of tough beef in the sarcophagus, and here another kills himself by discovering bis jocular vein. Things change so that I declare I don’t know how to subscribe for any disease nowadays. New names and new nostrils take the place of the old, and I might as well throw my old herbbag away.”