Rensselaer Union, Volume 7, Number 20, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 4 February 1875 — PHUNNYGRAMS. [ARTICLE]

PHUNNYGRAMS.

—Why is an old man’s farm in Texas like the focus of a sun-glass? Because it’s a place where the sons raise meat. —A school not over twenty miles from Whitehall, Vt., is presided over by a cross-eyed teacher. A few days ago he called out: “ The boy that lam looking at will step out on the floor.” Immediately twenty-seven lads walked out in front of the astonished pedagogue. —A little girl on Winchester avenue was offered three cents by her mother if she would cease imitating those cherubims who continually do cryr Hastily revolving the matter in her wee blonde head she replied: “No, it’s wuss more’n free cents to me to cry,” and with a fresh “ boo-hoo” she started a whole row of shingles on the iotii.—Chicago Tribuhe.~ —Poor Irish woman with six children to railroad ticket agent—“ Plase, sir, can’t you give a poor widdy with six orphan children a ticket to Milwaukee?” Ticket agent—“ What have I got to do with your orphan children? I ain’t their father, am I?” Woman—“ That ye ain’t, sir- Their father was a dacent man.” —A near-sighted man was riding in a Woodward avenue car the other day, when a lady opposite bowed to him. He returned the bow, raised his hat. smiled sweetly, and was just wondering who she was, when she came over and whispered in his ear: “Oh! I’ll fix you for this, old man!” Then he knew it was his wife.— Detroit Free Press. —lt is a hard winter; but the price of ostrich tips continues panicky—or rather, there is always a panic in the house that cherishes a desire for them without realizing from it. When the question comes up, “Bread and feathers?” it is a good deal as it was with the boy when asked which of his demands was the most imperative—“ Never mind the shoes, dad,” he replied, “I must have the breast-pin!” Norwich Aurora. • —A maiden lady, suspecting her female servant was regaling her beau upon the cold mutton of the larder, called Betty and inquired whether she did not hear some one speaking with her downstairs. “Oh! no, ma’am,” replied the girl,” it was only me singing a psalm.” “You may amuse yourself, Betty,” replied the maiden, “ with psalms, but let’s have no hims, Betty- I have a great objection to hints.'" Betty enrtsied, withdrew, and took the hint. —An exhibition was given at Hingham, Mass., some two months since, by Tom Thumb, at which the prices were twentyfive cents for those over ten years of age and twelve and a half cents for those under. It was Johnny’s tenth birthday, and his consin May, aged thirteen, thought it to be her duty to celebrate it by taking him in the afternoon to see the dwarf. Arriving at the door she put down thirty-eight cents and asked for two tickets. “How old is the boy?” asked the ticket-seller. “ Well," replied Miss May, “ this is his tenth birthday, but he was not born until late in the afternoon." The vender of tickets accepted the accuracy of the averment and handed her the proper certificates for admission. But it was a close fit. —Boy’s Composition on Sticks.—There are a great many sticks in the world, some big and some little. Some are sticky, and some are not. There are large sticks of wood, and that is one kind of sticks; and there are little bits of sticks, and that is another kind of sticks; some people when they handle money it sticks to their pockets, so that is another kind of stick. Sometimes when a boy is doing an example he gets stuck, so that is another kind of stick. Sometimes when a horse is going along in muddy weather he gets stuck, so that is another kind of stick. That is all I can think of now, so that is another stick. Fkask S——. — Middleton (Ohio) Journal.