Rensselaer Union, Volume 7, Number 18, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 21 January 1875 — PHUNNYGRAMS. [ARTICLE]

PHUNNYGRAMS.

—The other day when a house at Scranton fell into a coal pit the old widow explained that something was always sure to happen to spoil her emptings if they looked flattering. —When a boy is sitting on the sunny side of a horse-barn waiting for hisTather to come home and “ lick” him you might talk astronomy to him for four straight hours and not excite his interest. —They have a new test for intoxication in Canada. When a man can pronounce “reciprocity” without tripping the police let him go. In Maine the test is “Erastus Richa-dson,” and “rassis risson” is deemed conclusive. —Like a bell that’s rung for fire; liHe a careless auction-crier; like ofttimes a graceless liar, mischief-making tattlers go; stopping you with quaking fear, whispering as you lend an ear— 1 Mercy on us, did you hear? Betsey Bean has got a beau!’ —“Ah, Sam, so you’ve been in trouble, hab you?” “Yes, Jim, yes.” “Well, .well, cheer up, man; adversity tries us, and shows up our best qualities.” “Ah, but adversity didn’t try me; it was an old wagabond of a Judge, and he showed up my worst qualities.” —Fond Mother —“ John, do look at that child; it has your watch in its mouth and will swallow it!” John (who is a bachelor brother-in-law, and very fond of babies) —“ Oh, don’t be the least alarmed. I’ve got hold of the chain. It can’t go far.” Tableau. —“ Make you a coat, sir?” said a suspicious tailor to a suspected customer. “Oh, yes, sir, with the greatest pleasure.” “There, just stand in that position, please, and look right upon that notice while I take your measure.” Customer reads the notice: “ Terms cash.” —An old lady in town has become disgusted with almanacs. She says if all the people in this country were to stop buying almanacs “ maybe the printers who make ’em would put in some total eclipses of the sun and moon and some transits of Venuses that would be visible here.” — Norristown Herald. —Monday night a policeman passing along Second street discovered a ghostly object standing by a gate, and crossing over lie found that it was a man in his night-clothes. “I didn’t know but that you were walking in your sleep,” said the officer. “No; I was standing out here to wait till the old woman got over being mad and dropped to sleep!” quietly replied the citizen.— Detroit paper. —A man about two-tliirds drunk was riding on a Fort street car yesterday, and lie hadn’t yet unbosomed himself when a nice-looking young man, highly scented, entered the car and took a seat opposite the inebriate. The perfume floated over, and the man snuffed and turned his head this way and that. He finally got his eyes on the young man, and pointing his finger at him inquired : “ Y-young man—d-do your f-feet smell —smell that way all the t-time ?” There was dead silence in the car.— Detroit Press. —Two ladies met on Woodward avenue yesterday, and one inquired of the other: “ Why, you look very happy this morning. Wliat’s happened?” “ Oh, I’ve just been up having my fortune told,” was the reply, “ and the woman says I’m to marry twice more, have diamonds and a camel’s hair shawl, and that I can go to the opera six nights in a week if I want to.” “ Dear me, I don’t wonder that you are happy. But you won’t say anything to your husband?” “ Oh, of course not. Poor man. He’s good to me. and it might hurt his feelings to know that I am going to marry twice more. I think I’ll tell him I’m likely to die first.”— Detroit Free Press.