Rensselaer Union, Volume 7, Number 8, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 12 November 1874 — PHUNNYGRAMS. [ARTICLE]

PHUNNYGRAMS.

V 1 —ln view ofth,e prevalence of birds'on ladies’ hats this season, wouldn’t some milliner make a fortune by putting on the Ijriir of a hat a whole poultry yard, with a horse looking at it through a stable window? “We charge nothing • for the suggestion. —Boston Globe. —A verdant bridegroom in a city hotel, reports the New York Muil, called the waiter to him at dinner, put his finger to his lips, and made a noise between his teeth indicative of a profound silence, the blushing bride doing the same. "'The waiter stared. The bride and bridegroom repeated the noise in a louder manner than at first, and thus caused the other guests at the table to cease conversation and gaze inquiringly toward them. Here the head waiter came up, and to him the subordinate remarked that he evidently had a drunken or crazy man to wait upon. “ What do you want? What do you mean by making that noise?” asked the head waiter. “Thunder,” yelied the bridegroom, “ can’t you fellows understand? I want a bottle of champagne for me and Maria.” —A well-known metropolitan printer mentions that on one occasion an old woman from the country came into the printing office with an old Bible in her hand. “I want,” she said, “that you should print it over again. It’* gettin’ a little blurred, sort of, and my eyes is hot what they was. llow much would you ask to do it?” “Fifty cents.” “Can you have it ready in half an hour? Wish you would —want to be gettin’ home. I live out of town.” When the old lady went out he sent around to the offioe of the American Bible Society and purchased a copy for fifty cents. “Lor’s sakes a massy,” she exclaimed, when she came to look at it, “ how good you’ve fixed it. I never see nothin’ so curious as you printers is!” —A suseeptible, soft-sighing lover donned his best outfit Saturday evening, ornamented his person with a lavender neck-tie and a button-hole bouquet, and sallied forth to watch for the eclipse and expatiate upon its beauties for the delectation of the fair idol of his heart. Nowit so happened that the idol’s fond parent hadn’t been reading up much of late and wasn’t very well posted. So when he entered the parlor between eleven and twelve o’clock and made some remark about his gas bills being already very large, and the s. s.-s. lover tried to explain that they were waiting for the eclipse, there was trouble. “Eclipse!” siiidtheenraged parent;“Eclipse! Young man, I am too old to be trifled with!” and when he took the youth by the coat collar, conducted him to the door, and planted his pedals right under the points of his swallow-tail coat, the yofing man realized for the first time that the eclipse was indeed total. For the old gent wore number elevens. —Keokuk Gate City.