Rensselaer Union, Volume 7, Number 6, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 29 October 1874 — How Mark Twain Cured a Bad Cold. [ARTICLE]

How Mark Twain Cured a Bad Cold.

At the recent commencement exercises of one of the New York grammar schools Miss Bertine read the following letter from the well-known humorist, Mr. Clemens: - Hartford, Conn., Oct. 5,1974. Miss K. W. White— Dear Madam: I regret exceedingly being unable to accept your kind invitation (also Mr. P. G. Duffy’s) to be present at your commencement exercises, but the annoying and vexatious illness which,still hangs about me, together with some business engagements, will prevent. The illness to which I refer is a severe cold which I took in New York last winter during the lecture season. Perhaps the recital of bow I tried to cure this cold may be of interest, and may serve instead of tbrfew marks you so politely asked pie to make to the friends and pupils. The first time I began to sneeze a friend told me to go and bathe my feet in hot water and go to bed. I did so. Shortly after another friend told me to Set up and take a cold shower-bath. I id that also. Within the hour another friend assured me that it was policy to feed a cold and starve a fever. I had both. So I thought it best to fill myself up for the cold, and let the fever starve awhile. In a case of this kind I seldom do things by halves; I ate pretty heartily. I conferred my custom upon a stranger who had just opened his restaurant on Cortlandt street near the hotel, that morning, paying so much for a full meal. He waited near me in respectful silence until I had finished feeding my cold, when he inquired if the people about New York were much afflicted with colds. I told him I thought they were. He then went out and took in Ms sign. - —— Istarted up towagd-the-offlee— and on - the way encountered another bosom friend, who told me that a"quart of warm " salt-water would come as near curing a cold as anything in the world. I hardly thought I had room for it, but I tried U anyhow. The result was surprising. I believe I threw up my immortal soul. Now, as I give my experience only for the benefit of those of your friends who are • troubled with this distemper, I feel that they will see the propriety of my cautioning them against following such portions of it as proved inefficient with me, and acting upon this conviction I warn them against warm salt-water. It may be a good-enough remedy, btiTl think ft is rather too severe. If I had another cold in the head and there was no course left me but to take either an earthquake or a quart of warm salt-water, I would take my chances on the earthquake. After this everybody in the hotel became interested, and I took all sorts of remedies—hot lemonade, cold lemonade, pepper tea, boneset, stewed Quaker, hoarhound syrup, onions and loaf-sugar, lemons and brown sugar, vinegar and laudanum, five bottles fir balsam, eight bottles cherry pectoral and ten bottles Uncle Sam’s remedy, but all without effect. One of the prescriptions given by an old lady was —well, it was dreadful. She mixed a decoction composed of molasses, catnip, peppermint, aqua fortis, turpentine, kerosene and various other drugs, and instructed me to take a wineglassful of it every fifteen minutes. I never took but. one dose; that was enough. I had to take to my bed and remain there for two entire days. When I felt a little better more things were recommended. I was desperate, and willing to take anything. Plain gin was recommended,then gin and molasses, then gin and onions. I took all three. I detected no particular result, however, except that I had acquired a breath like a turkey-buzzard, and had to change my boarding-place. At this new place they suggested a different remedy to any yet tried. A sheet bath was recommended. I had never refused a remedy yet, and it seemed poor policy to commence then; therefore I determined to take a sheet bath, though I had no idea what sort of an arrangement it was. It was administered at midnight, and the weather was very frosty. My back and breast were stripped, and a sheet (there appeared to be a thousand yards of it) soaked in Icewater was wound around me until I resembled a swab for a columbiad. It is a cruel expedient. When the chilly rag touches one’s flesh it makes him start with sudden violence and gasp for breath, just as men do in the death agony. It froze the marrow in my bones ana stopped the beating of my heart. I thought my time had come. When I recovered from this a friend recommended the application of a mustard plaster to my breast. I believe that would have cured me effectually if it had not been for young Clemens. When I went to bed I put the mustard plaster where I could reach it when I should be ready for it. But young Clemens got hungry in the night and ate it up. I never saw a child with such an appetite. lam confident that he would have eaten me if I had been healthy, After all this experience you cannot wonder that I dread going to New York, and feel obliged to decline your kind invitation. Wishing you a successful and pleasant time, I remain, very respectfully, S. L. Clemens (Mark Twain).