Rensselaer Union, Volume 7, Number 3, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 8 October 1874 — PHUNNYGRAMS. [ARTICLE]

PHUNNYGRAMS.

—Home stretch—The stretch across the maternal knee. —Why were the monks of old seldom warm? Because-they were nearly always “cowled.” —Don’t linger where your “ love lies dreaming.” Wake her up and tell her to get breakfast. —A tin sign on Broadway, South Boston, reads: “ Dr. , Professor of Rheumatism.” —Why should the opinion of a person who does not use cheap perfumery be suspected? Because he is wanting in common scents. —“ Mary Jane, have you given the gold-fish fresh water?”—“ No, ma’am. What’s the use? they haven’t drunk up what’s in there yet.” —On a w'eather-beaten sign on East Broadway, New York, is the following legend: “ Footed and second-hand boots made to order.” —A little boy selling a basket of crabapples said his ma told him to ask thirtyfive cents for them, “ but,” he added, “they ain’t wuth it.” —A contemporary writes of an individual who was too poor to have his boots blacked, and “ trusted he was too much of a gentleman to black them himself so they went dirty, \ —An exchange has an acquaintance who remarks that he has often heard the proverb: “ A friend in need is a friend indeed,” but he says he can’t see where the laugh comes in. He has a friend in need who is always borrowing money of him. —At a meeting of Congregational ministers one gentleman who stated that he had been eastward with his “ superintendent” w'as interrupted by a brother clergyman, who asked if he meant his wife. —Said a Detroit lady to a small boy whom she found crying in the street the other day: “ Will-you stop crying if I w'ill give you a penny?” “ No,” said he; “ but if you’ll make it two cents I’ll stop if it kills me.” —At a school near Wallsend, Newcastle, England, the master asked a class of boys the meaning of the word “ appetite,” when, after a short pause, one lit-tle-hoy said: “I know, sir. When I’m eatin’ I’m ’appy, and when I’m done I’m 4- ? fyk -11 T7lgul. ~ —“ My dear boy,” said a fond aunt to a very fast-living nephew, “don’tyouknow that in leading this irregular life you are shortening your days?” “ It’s quite -possible that I may be shortening my days, but then look how I lengthen my nights,” W'as the reply. —The talk about big-footed women has become a bore, says a Washington paper; but it may be mentioned, as a mere matter of fact, that a Georgetown girl scorns to ask a street-car conductor to stop the thing when she wants to get out. She merely strolls back to the platform and checks progress instantly by gracefully swinging her foot around in front of the hind wheel.