Rensselaer Union, Volume 6, Number 17, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 January 1874 — Short Talk. [ARTICLE]

Short Talk.

BY JOSH BILLINGS.

Most every one luves to listen to a slander, but thare ant but phew but what dispise the author ov it. What a heartless world this would be if thare waz no tears in it. - - _ Thare are but phew people here belo that hav branes enuff to amuze themselfs. Wize men are.never surprized, while phools are alwuss wondering at every thine that happens. After trieng for more than forty years to hav mi own way, I hav finally cum to the konklushan to split the difference. Without m'unny, without friends, and without impudence, iz about az low down in this world az enny man kan git, and keep virtewous. ' Beware ov the man who lz alwhss reddy to swop old friends for new ones. The dog that will phollow everyboddy, aint worth a kuss. Thare iz nothing that a man iz so certain ov az he iz ov what he sees, and yet thare iz nothing after all that deceaves him oftner. I know ov menny people who ain’t happy until they hav red the last book out; theze folks quite often git phull, but seldum git phatt. One ov the most perfekt viktorys yu kan achieve over enny man iz to beat him in politeness. The rarest artikle quoted in market just now iz good common sense. Yung man yu had better be honest than cunning, and it iz hard work to be both. The world at large judge ov us bi our

sukcess. It ought to kure the pride ov enny man when he reflekts that there ain’t no one living but what owes more to the world than the world owes to him. To be familiar with every one and preserve yure respekt, and their esteem, iz an eviaense of the most remarkabel tallents. l’oo mutch branes in a man’s hed iz like too mutch milk in a pitcher, must be carried with a dredful stiddy hand or it will slop over. The best abuzed woman ov the 19th century iz the average mothe-r-in-law. Wize men sometimes bild air kastles but tare them to pieces w hen they git thru; it iz only the phools who bild them and then undertake to liv in them. A klear coasbience, plenty to eat, and a good digestion, are the three best kards in the pack. The best bill ov fare I kno ov iz a good appetight. 1 konsider forms and cerimonys the mere triks ov civilizashun, but to observe them iz the only way i knoov to protekt ourselfs aginst the common herd. Sum folks never git reddy ; they are al wuss behind hand; they will sum ov them be too late to tend their own phu■neral. . Whenever yu cum akrost’ a man who <iz telling evryboddy he meets how long iteiiax wore the pair ov boots he haz got on, yu kan safely konklude that man iz' filling hiz destiny, and aint good for eunything else mutch. Kultlvate a taste for walking, it iz not only the original way of gitting thru this world, but thare iz helth ana independanse in in it, which makes it one of the luxurys of living. The more secrets yu divulge, even to your best friend, the less he will think of yu, and the more he will think ov himself. Ask no favours ov enny man that are not strikly legitimate, If a man iz strikly honest with himself he is sure to be 'so towards others. —Neva York Weekly. '“ •; - - v '«•••■ . —John Henry says he has had a good thing on the “governor,” since he caught him studying the weather report, under the impression that he would learn something about the mutton market __

Taking the Early Train. The early morning train from Danbury, leaves at half-past six. This is a very seasonable hour in the summer, when people are stirring, birds carolling their melodies, and the incense from the newly awakened flowers filling the air and inspiring the senses. But in the winter time, with animal and vegetable life dead, the air raw and chilly, the matches mislaid, and a gloomy darkness wrapping the face of the earth, as if with a pall, halfpast six o’clock a. m. is a very unreasonable and disagreeable hour, and the man who has occasion to leave home on that train may easily be pardoned the uneasiness unavoidable the day before. Our legal friend, Prince, received information Friday which made it necessary that he should be in New York before Saturday noon. He contemplated the early start with some misgiving, and determined to make the best preparation for it by getting to bed early. Some people would not have thought of this, and remained up until their usual hour, and either overslept themselves; or have awakened unrefreshed or depressed. Mr. Prince went to bed at 9 o’clock, and got to sleep about half-past eleven. When he awoke it was at the earnest solicitation of Mrs. Prince’s toes, which were digging vigorously into his back, while Mrs. Prince’s hands and Mrs. Prince’s voice were otherwise engaged in his interests. Mr. Prince jumped up at once, and inquired the time, which Mrs. Prince was not able to inform him exactly, but was quite confident by the general feeling and looks that it was hard on to car time. Mir. Prince snatched up his clothes at this, and flew into the sitting-room, and straightway got into his clothes, and then examining his watch, found that it was ten minutes past twelve. “By Crackey,” said Mr. Prince, and immediately returned to bed, and encasing his bead beneath the clothes, preserved a moody silence in answer to Mrs. Prince’s inquiries. It finally dawned on that excellent lady that the hour was too early, and she soon went to sleep. But there was no immediate sleep for her husband. He felt gloomy and dissatisfied, and seemed weighed down with the impression that he was to miss the train in spite of all he could do to avert the calamity. He carefully reviewed his pastlife, arraigning himself as a student, a lawyer, a citizen, and a husband, to see if there was apywhere in his record an act, a word, or a thought, which, by the finest ingenuity could be distorted into a crime for which this losing the train might be considered a fitting judgment. But in vain he went over the pan for such a provocation, and finally assigning the cause to a dispensation of fate none of us can avert, he, too, fell asleep. When he awoke again, he found Mrs. Prince’s toes at his back, and Mrs. Prince's hands on his shoulders, and Mrs. Prince’s voice in his ear, and a vivid impression on his mind that the train had gone, or that the whistle would sound before he could get out of bed. But he arose and hurried into the sitting-room with a show of interest, and drawing on his clothes, again consulted his watch with an air of desperation, and ascertained that it was just two o’clock. He didn’t say “By Crackey!” this time. But it is no matter what he said. He skip- 1 ped back to" the bedroom without any loss of time, and appeared before Mrs. Prince with a lamp in one hand, and a lot of clothes in the other, and with a good deal of fire in his eye. But he blew out the light in silence, and then getting back in bed, gloomily urged her not to do that again or her officiousness might coat her pain. The next time he aroused himself. It was four o’clock. This was a little earlier than was absolutely necessary, but for fear of missing the train he remained up. First, carefully dressing himself, he kindled the fire in the kitchen, and thought of the excellent breakfast he was to carry with him, while Mrs. Prince lay and slept. At half-past seven she awoke of her own accord, and finding the broad daylight streaming into the window, jumped up with sincere regret that Prince had gone without a warm breakfast, and pictured to herself during the toilet, the aching void he would carry with him through the streets of the metropolis. Then she thought of her vexation, and the tears came into her eyes. And then she went into the kitchen and was struck motionless at the sight before her. For there was Prince with a carpet-bag clutched tightly in one hand, and a roil of legal documents in the other, setting bolt upright in a asleep. Astonished and confused by this spectacle, and hardly knowing what she was doing, Mrs.. Prince got the woman in the other part of the house to arouse Mr. Prince, while she stole over to her mother’s to see about something. —Danbury News.