Rensselaer Union, Volume 6, Number 6, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 October 1873 — A TALE OF ENGLISH MAIL-COACH DAYS. [ARTICLE]

A TALE OF ENGLISH MAIL-COACH DAYS.

An English gentleman, of true John Bull proportions, weighing some eighteen or twenty stone, had occasion to travel in summer by stage-coach from Oxford to London. The stage carried six inside; -‘atfd our hero engaged two -places (as, in consideration of it i3:frize,lte—usualiy -did) for himself. The other four seats were taken by Oxford students. These youths, ,being lie-liter than our modern Lambert, reached the stage before he did, and each snugly possessed liimselt of a corner seat, leaving a center seat on each side vacant. The round, good-tempered face of John Ball soon after appeared at the carriage-door, and peering into the vehicle and Observing the" local arrangements, its owner said, with asm lie: “Yousce L am of a pretty comfortable size, gentlemen; so I have taken two seals. It will greatly oblige me if one of you will kindly move into the opposite seat, so that I may be able to enter.” “My good sir,” said a pert young lawstudent, “possession is nine-tenths of the law. You engaged two seats. There they are, one on-each side. We engaged one each, came first, entered regularly into possession, and ovir titles tci the seats we occupy are indisputable.” “I do not dispute your titles,” said the other, “but I trust to your politeness, seeing how the case stands, to. .enable me to pursue my journey,” “O, hang politeness!” said a hopeful young scion of some noble house. “I have a horror of a middle scat, and would not take ono to oblige my grandmother; it’s ungraceft.il as well as uncomfortable; and, besides, one has no chance of looking at the pretty girls' along the road. Good old gen -lenvitn, arrange your concerns as you please; I stick to my corner.” And he leaned hack, yawned, and settled himself with hopeless composure in liis place. Our corpulent friend, though a man not- easily- discomposed, was somewhat put out by this unmannerly obstinacy, lie turned to a smart-looking youth with a si taper on bis face—a clerical student who had hitherto sat in a revcrv,^‘possible thinking over his chances oi a rich beuitlce in the future. “Will yon accommodate me?" ho asked; “this is the last stage that starts for London to-day, and business of urgent importance calls me to town.” “Borne temporal affair, no doubt,” said the graceless youth, with a mock of grav. ity; “some speculation With filthy lucre for its object. Good father, at your age woitr thoughts should turn heavenward, —instead of being confined to the dull, heavy tabernacle of clay that chains us to earth.” And his companions roared with laughter at the “clever joke.” Aglow of indignation just colored the striingefs cheek;. but ho mastered the feeling Jn a moment, ami said, with much composure, to the fourth, “Are you also determined that I Shall lose my place; or will you oblige me by taking a center seat?” “Ay, do, Tom,” said his lordship to the person addressed; “he’s something in thb way of your profession, quite a physiological curiosity. Y'ou ought ,to accommodate him,” “Jjlay Ibe poisoned if I do!” replied the studerit of medicine. “In a dissect-ing-room, he’d make an excellent subject; but in a Coach, and this warm weather, too! Old gentleman, if you’ll put yourself umlee my cares I’H engage in the course of six weeks, by a judicious course of depictive*, to save you bereftfler the expome t»f u Rouble seat. But, really, to take a middle seat in the month of July is cofittary to all the rules df hygeinc, arsl a praetjee to which X have a prqfessional objection.” . .. ' And the- laugh was renewed at the old gentlepum’s expense. By th is time the patience of coaehee; who had listened to the latter part of the dialogue, was exhausted. “ Harkee, gemmen,” saul he, “settle the business as you like; but it wants just three-quarters ,of a minute of twelve, and with the first stroke of the University clock my horses must be off. I would not wait three seconds longer for the king, God bless him. ’Twoukl be as much as my place Is worth." And with that hot mounted his box, took up the reins, bid the hostler shut the door, and sat with upraised whip, listening for tinexpected stroke.

As it sounded from the venerable belfry, the horses, a&jf they recognized the sig. nal, shaft off tit a gallop -with the four young rogues, to whom their own rudeness and our fat Irioßtl’s dilemma afforded a prolific theme for merriment during tlift whole stagoi» Meanwhile the subject of tlieir mirth hired a postchaise,'followed and overtook tliem at tlie second change ofdinraos, where the passengers got out ten minutes for lunch. As the posßhaise drove up'to the inn door, two young' chimney-sweeps bags and brooms and their w“eTl-Ifnbtvil try. "Come hither, my lads,” said the corPHtapt gentleman, “ydiat siyg you to, a , ride?” ■ Thfe ’whites rtf their eyes enlarged into •till inorestriking contrast with the dark shades of the sooty tfhecks. “Will ydu have a ride, my boys, in the stage-coach ?” “Eea, zur,” said the elder, scarcely daring to trust the evidence of his ears. _ "Well, then, hostler, open the stagedoor. In with you! And, d’ye hear? be , wte to ta)»s.the two middle so,.one on each Blcle.’ , ! 1 f *The guard’s horn sounded, and coachge’s voice was heard: "Only one minute and • a halfmore, gen’lemen; comb oh !**• - They cam*, bowed laughingly to our .friend of the corporation, and passed on to the coach. The young lord was the first to put hU foot op the steps, ! ‘Why,

how now, coacliee? What confounded joke is this? Get out, you rascals, or I’ll teach you how to play gentlemen such a trick again.” “Sit still, my lads; you’jjr’ entitled to your places. My lord, the two middle seats, through your action and that of yotfr youhg friends, are, minet they were regularly taken and duly paid for. I choose that two proteges of mine shall occupy them. An English stage-coach is free to every one who behaves quietly, and I am answerable for their good conduct; so mind you behave,' boys! Your lordship has a horror of a middle seat; pray take the corner one.” “Overreached us, by Jovcl” said the law student. “We give up the cause, and cry you mercy, Mr. Bull.” “Blythe is my name,” “Wb crjr quits, worthy Mr. Blythe*” “You forget that possession is ninetqnths of ihe law, my good sir, and that the title of these lads to their seats is indisputable. I have installed them as my locum, tenentes , if that be good law Latir It would be highly unjust to dislodge the poor youths, and I cannot permit it. You have your cerner.” “Heaven preserve us!” exclaimed the clerical ■■ r , t “You are surely not afraid of a black coat,” retorted the other. “Besides, we ought not to suffer our thoughts to dwell on petty earthly concerns, but to turn them heavenward.” “I’d rather go through my examination a second time than to sit bv these dirty devils,” groaned the medical student. “Soot is perfectly wholesome, my young friend; and you will not be compelled to violate 4 single hygienic rule. The corner you selected Is vacant. Pray get In. At these words, coacliee, who had stood grinning behind, actually Cheated into forgetfulness of time by the excellence of the joke, came forward. “Gentlemen, you have lost me a minute and a quarter already. I must drive on without ye, if so be ye don’t like your company.” The students cast rueful glances at each other, and then crept warily into their respective corners. As the hostler shut the door he found it impossible to control his features. “I’ll give you something to change your cheer, you grinning rascal 1” said the disciple of stretching out of the window; but the hostler nimbly evaded the blow. “My white pantaloons!” cried the lord. “My beautiful drab surtout!” exclaimed the lawyer expectant. “The filthy rascals!” t The noise of the carriage-wheels and the unrestrained laughter of the spectators drowned the sequel of their lamentations. At the next stage a bargain was struck. The sweeps were liberated'and dismissed with a gratuity; the seats shaken and brushed; the worthy sons of the university made up, among themselves, the expenses of the postchaise; the young doctor violated, for once, the rules of hygiene, by taking a middle seat; and all journeyed on together, without further quarrel or grumbling, except from vouchee, who declared that “to be kept over time a minute and a quarter at one stage and only three seconds less than three minutes at the next was enough to try the patience of a saint; that it was!” — Robert Dole Owen, in, Atlantic for November.