Rensselaer Union, Volume 5, Number 49, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 28 August 1873 — MARRIED BY TELEGRAPH. [ARTICLE]

MARRIED BY TELEGRAPH.

“Mr. Leary, are you a married man, sir?” "Very, sir.” “Very, why do you say very ?” “Because my dear little wife and I arc "bound together by wires.” “Latimer Leary, you talk enigmas.” “Then, sir, to be as plain as a printer, I will inform you that I was married by telegraph.” ’ > “You don’t say so!” “Yes, I do.” ~ “Then tell the company all about the affair.” “I will, with pleasure. Ladies and gentlemen, my wife is a second cousin, and was named Leafy. She once resided in the city of Indianapolis, while I was a resident of Centreville, in the same State. I was a bachelor of thirty, and full of romance and general love. I say general love, because I had not made a concentration. “Why don’t you take a wife?” was eternally buzzed in my ears. “Whom will I take?” “Y’our relative, Kate Leary.” “Kate Leary, why she is my own cousin.” “Only a second cousin,” they would retort; “and your opposite, Latimer; Kate is a blonde, and you are dark as Erebus or the ace of clubs,” I never had seen Miss Leary, but this continued association of the young lady witli.my wedded life had an influence. One day a member of Congress exclaimed: “Mr. Leary, were I single I would assuredly pay court to your cousin. As I am married, and you are my best friend, I can earnestly hope you will possess the luxury.” At this period I was a merchant. Having discharged a thieving clerk, I was so confined to my store that a Journey to Indianapolis was out of the question. I . was growing almost wild to see one whom all praised—so many wished me to wed ; In a few days from the call of my legislative friend, his brother, a noted judge, appeared at my store. The judge was also my devoted ally —a position intensified by his recollection of being educated by my deceased father. Drawing a daguerreotype from his coat, said he, “ I wish to show you something nice. There, what do you say to that ?” “ Who is it ?” I cried with enthusiasm. “ This,Any dear friend, is Miss Kate Leary, the young lady I wish you to marry.” - me, ’’-I-exclaiihedy A-is sho all they claim for her?” “My dear friend, honestly as I value the truth, I have not heard her sufficiently praiseddl “Why don’t some man try his luck!” “I’m -glad .you- ask. Simply because she is over-courted, and consequently hard to please. She is romantic, ana, I clearly see, not winable by ordinary methods.” “You say she is very particular.” “She is, sir.” “Then good-bye for me.” “Not at all; she is rapturous over your likeness, and sends her cousinly love, with an invitation to visit her. I pledge you ■to'not omitting a single point in your body, caliber or character.” “Do you consider her daguerreotype accurate ? ' “I can tell you it don’t flatter her. She has extraordinary beauty, and the kind that is more striking in animation or conversation.” While mutual friends in Centreville were lauding my fair cousin, mutual friends in Indianapolis were decided in their eulogies of and preparing her mind for an alliance. I am not self-conceited. Believing such a concord must be born of an ■ obvious fact, I settled on the idea of marrying this wonder in beauty, soul and accomplishment. My intent was quickly confirmed upon hearing that a veiy wealthy and influential banker from Gotham was in the melting mood. I remember it was midnight. I hinted from my store the last batch of chronic loungers, and selected the best stationery.in my establishment. * I was to write my first letter to Kate. Such a reply as I received! Well, you must see it—you shall see it. I have good gas works, but am inadequate. In a brief time we learned that each knew the other well. The much said by so many, many mutual friends, superadded to our daguerreotypes tmd letters, made us a comprehending «®ouple. In fact we confessed our loVe—-&■ full, round, rjpe and luscious article. There could be no uimfety jn tho F** . . . . , <

Our lineage was in common and every fact known; what followed is clear—an engagement—yes, between unseen lovers and cousins. ——- I was “dying” to fold her to my heart, but my soul’s condition and maturing appointments postponed that indefinitely. What did you say? Why did she not visit some of our friends at Centreville? I answer you cheerfully. She had her notions and would entertain them. Though we were plighted, she declared it should not be said that she made the first visit. Many believe her right. I don’t argue the point, but merely answer the question. Weeks passed; letters were numerous and saccharine. The time arrived when I could endure my single condition no longer. What if some one were to cut me out at the eleventh hour? With such love what would become of me ? I was determined to own her even if I did not see her for a decade. An idea dawned—a. brilliant one. It was to compass a speedy marriage, and satisfy her thirst for romance. After a flood of tendern” aS o f dramatic preparation, I w;,, t e; “Kate, my adored one, let 'IS depart from this stale routine and wed by telegraph.” The idea took her by storm. Her answer was characteristic. It ran thus: '" “Darling, I will. The idea is savory, but is it legal?” Immediately I sent for my friend, the Judge. Soon as he faced me, said I: “Judge, is a marriage by telegraph legal?” “ Certainly, sir, I see no objection to a contract by telegraph. I readily see how all those requirements can be accomplished.” “ Will you state this opinion on paper and describe a formula for an electric wedding?” “With pleasure, sir.” The judge understood me and gladly complied. The result was forwarded to Kate by return mail, and soon received word that on the following Thursday she and the proper authority would present themselves at the Indianapolis office, according to formula there to enter the holy state of matrimony. I tell you the appointed day was a great joneAmong the mutual friends at each end of the wire. The affair was so novel that all else was eclipsed by the contemplation of it. Clergymen and witnesses assembled at the termini. There, in full costume, two imseen lovers were to be made man and wife. The instrument began-its tick, tick, ticking. The operator read, the clergyman put questions, I answered, the instrument did more work, and soon I was saluted as the husband of Kate Leary. Happy was I, though the possessor or a lady 1 never beheld. One week passed, and I was still without ftelp. My brain was becoming frenzied. 1 must see Kate, and I must go to her first, for it was her fiat, and well did I know what a Leary was. By entreaty I prevailed upon a brother merchant to loan me his best clerk. Soon as he put his foot in the store I put mine in the stage, en route for the capital of Indiana. When about twelve, miles from the city we stopped for a passenger—it was a lady. Such a beauty I never beheld. She resembled my likeness of Kate, but was far more beautiful. I own my heart went out to her. Call me fickle, say what you please, and I will bear it. I repeat, my_ lieart gushed forth a flood of love. Here was a fix! I, a married man, going to sec his telegraphic bride, and technically in love with another woman. I began to repent my haste, and when too late, saw the error of marrying one I had never set my eyes upon. What could I do?. The lady was also married, for I heard the driver call her madam. How she eyed me! I spoke about the coach window being raised to suit her. She thanked me in tones that acted like an arterial stimulant. I was gone. Much conversation followed, and 1 was a goner. I saw she was giving me sweet, yet pleading looks. Heavens, thought I, she is unhappily mated; suppose I give her my sympathy. Yet, should I jeopardise myself before such transcendent charms? Suppose I betray my love, how would I feel in the presence of my wife, and what favor could I confer upon a total stranger? I had it. I would betray nothing, but offer consolation to a flower most surely neglected. We were the only passengers, and what a good chance. “Madam,” said I, “please pardon me, but you seem to exist under a cloud.” She sighed deeply. “Well, sir, I’m not a widow, though I don’t live with my husband.” “Poor soul!” continued I. She put her handkerchief to her mouth. - -“a, I thought about half Of it went in, but of course it was to hide her .emotion. ‘You are not happy, madam?” “Very far from_it, sir; I am miserable!” * So was I—miserable to put my arms around her neck. “Where do yoti reside, madam ?”- “In Indianapolis.” “Have you friends there?” “Many, sir.” “No doubt of it. Allow me to ask, do you loye your husband?” “Devotedly, sir.” “Then you will live with him?” “Would be glad of the chance, sir.” “When did you see him, last?” “I have never seen him, sir.” Here she again half swallowed her handkerchief. “Never seen him! Why, what dp you mean?” “Sir, have you not read of a telegraphic wedding?” “Julius Gtesar!” cried I. Tell me, are you Mrs. Kate Leary ?” "I am.” As I relaxed, she said: “Go on, Latimer ; I knew you from your daguerreo-' type.” I will not prolong this, but merely remark that Kate is "the most devoted of women. I have not felt ashamed of my inconstancy, and would not lose her now for the wealth of the Orient. I ever consider us as bound together by wire, and when asked if I atn.a married mao, I always feel like saying—very. An apple tree in Blackstone, Mass., attracts much local attention from the fact that two good-sized apples; touching each other, have grown directly from the trunk, a few feet above the ground* and so close to the bark that it is difficult to distinguish any stem. £ The New York eustotns officers recently discovered that the crews of the Havana Steamers are in the habit of smuggling cigars and cigarettes by concealing them in the sails on the fore-top mast. " 1 W I » The thrce.card monte-neers an? Infesting the Ptwifip JUiboad.