Rensselaer Union, Volume 5, Number 29, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 April 1873 — The Interviewer. [ARTICLE]

The Interviewer.

BY JOSH BILLINGS.

I pitty the poor Interviewer, he iz not alwus a' bad phellow at heart, but hiz trade iz a mean one, and the bizziness Jiaz spilte him. I would rather lead,a blind-mule on the tmv-patli for a living, nr retail soft klams from a ricketty waggon, than tew be an interviewer, and worry people with questions they wuz afrade tew answer and too vain tew refuse. The Interviewer is a human liosstrieli, feeding on enny thing he kan find, and digesting oazy enny thing lie can swallo. He iz a kind ov kultivated hyena, and makes ye shudder to think, that tit enny moment lie may turn wild, and begin to hunt for a human beefstake. v He liaz just branes enuff tew keep liiz ■impudence aktiv, and tlio he has but little malice, be will bunt vu sbarper, and worry yu wuss, than a canal-boat bedbug. He iz like a ritch cheeze, chuck pliull ov little things. Thare iz no eskaping this breed ov kritters; if yu run they will overtake yu, if yu steal into yure hole they will either dig for yu, or stand around,on tlie outside till yu cum out. They -are wuss than a flea tew a longhaired dog. Interviewers are a.cross between tlie oldfashioned quid hunk and the modern Buzzer, and are a pesky improvement on both. Death itself is no eskape from the Interviewer, for they will bang around the departure till they git an item, and then go for the widow. The Interviewer would rather tell the truth if lie kan, but aint discouraged if lie iz forced to tell what ain( so. They afe az dangefcous-tew- admitfjtotoyure konfidence az a pickpocket iz, not bekause they will take enny spoons, but bekause yu are liaff afraid they will. Modesty would ruin an Interviewer, dellkacy would unfit him for bizzness, he kan even thrive without being honest, and tew make him an adept in his calling, lie dont require enny more tenderness than an undertaker duz. Yu kan gif rid ov a hornet by brakeing his nek, yu k,an outrun a blak snaik, and kan hide from the sheriff, but the Interviewer, like the cursid muskeeter in the dark, hovers-around yu. and if he don’t bight, he sings, which iz the wustest ov the. two. I hav bin lit onto by the, Interviewer miself, and hav answered his questions, az honest as ever a child did the katekism, and the next clay read the dialogue in the. morning paper, and it wuz ail az new tew tu’ me az .Old Probabilitiz log of tlte weather. Don’t never tell any sekrets tew an Interviwer; he will open them az they open, oysters in the market, aiKi rettul them on the huff shell, ' ■ 1 ■ • I treat ail jau-rvlewm jtoiiU-ivi wliM

they begin tew bait me, I ask them tew smoke (i never knu one to refuse), and when they press me too dussiy then i begin tew whlssell. * I am an awful poor whissier enny liowv. Ido really pi tty the poor Interviewer; he works for biz bread like enny other Skrlbblcr. and forwwlmf MrrkitoyJrafrx tbra., In/.zncss, but i am sad when I say, that if he iz good at interviewingpie iz too impudent lew be good for enny tiring else. Sup people luv tew lie interviewed, and i must say, these, kind of pholks never reach tlie dignity ov impudence; they are simply disgusting. _ Yu leant git a journeyman Interviewer tew 'waste enny time on such stale goods; he would az soon think ov interviewing a last year’s birds’ nest, or a kuntry gideboard. Thare iz no kure fftr a reglar Interviewer; he tlii/sts for the game like a fox hound on the trak ; he livs upon plunder, and would rather be sent up for 30 daze than to see liiz coliuni in tlie morning Gazzettc without a trophy.—iY. Y. Weddin