Rensselaer Union, Volume 3, Number 28, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 April 1871 — Hints to Comik Lekturers. [ARTICLE]

Hints to Comik Lekturers.

BY JOSH BILLINGS. (,'omik lecturing iz an unkommon pesky to do. It iz more unsarting than the rat-ketch-ing bizzness az a means ov grace, or az a means ov livelyhood. Most ennyboddy thinks they kan do it, and this iz jist what makes it so bothersum tew do. When it iz did jist enuff, it iz a teriflek success, but when it iz overdid, it iz like a burnt slapjax, very impertinent. Thare aint but phew good judges ov humor, and they all differ about it. If a lekturer trys, to be phunny, he iz like a boss trying to trot backwards, pretty hpt tew trod on himself. Humor must fall out ov a mans mouth, like musik out ov a bobalink, or like a yung bird out ov its nest, when it iz feathered enuff tew fly. Whenever a man haz made up hiz mind that he iz a wit, then he iz mistaken without remedy, but whenever the publiek haz made up their minds that he haz got the disease, then he haz got it sure. Individuals never git this thing right, the publick never git it wrong. The publick never cheat themselfs, nor other folks, when they weigh out glory. Thare iz just 16 ounces in a pound ov glory, and no more, that is, by the publick steelyards. Humor iz wit with a roosters tail feather stuck in its cap, and wit iz wisdom in tight harness. No man kan be a helthy phool unless he haz nussed at the brest ov wisdom. Those who fail in the comik bizzness are them who hav bin put out to nuss, or bin fetched up on a bottle. If a man iz a genuine humorist, he iz superior to the bulk ov hiz aujience, and will often times hav tew take hiz pay for hiz services in thinking so. Altho fun iz designed for the millyun, and ethiks for the few, it iz az trpe az molasses, that most all aujiences hav their bell wethers, people who show the others the crack whare the joke comes laffing in. I hav known popular aujiences deprived ov all plezzure, during the recital ov a comik lektur, just bekauze the right man, or the right woman, want thare tew point out the mellow parts. The man who iz anxious tew git before an aujience, with what he calls a comik lektur, ought tew be put immediately in the stocks, so that he kant do it, for he iz a dangerous person tew git loose, and will do sum damage. It iz a very pleasant bizzness tew make people lass, but thare i« much odds whether they lass at yu, or lass at what yu say. When a man laffs at yu, he duz it because it makes him feel superior to you, but w-hen vu please him with what yu have uttered, he admits that yu are superior tew him. The only reazon whi a monkey alwus kreates a sensashun whareever he goes, is simply bekauze—he is a monkey. Everyboddy feels az tho they had a right tew- criticize a comik lektur, and most ov them do it jist az a mule criticizes things, by shutting up both eys and letting drive with hiz two behind leggs. Humor haz but phew rules tew be judged by, and_theyjire so delikate that none but the most delikate kan define them. It is dredful arbitrary tew ask a man tew lass who don’t feel the itch ov it.

One ov the meanest things in the comik lektring employment that a man haz to do, iz tew try and make that large class ov hiz aujience lass whom the Lord never intended should lass. There is sum who lass az eazy and az natral az the birds do, but most ov mankind lass like a hand organ—if yu expect .tew git a lively tune out ov it yu hav got tew grind for it. In delivering a comik lektur it iz agood general, rule to stop sudden, sometime before yu git through. This enable the aujience, if they hav had enuff, tew be satisfied with what they hav had, and if they want enny more, it enables them tew hanker for it. I know it iz dredful tuff, when a man iz on one end ov a stick ov molassiss kandy, tew quit till he gits clean through; but he musn’t forgit that hiz aujience may not be so sweet on molassiss kandy az he tz. I hav got a very lonesum opinyun ov the the comik lektring bizziness, and if I waz well shut ov it, and knu how to git an honest living at ennything elsd (except opening klams and keeping a districkt skool),I would quit tommorrow, and either trade oph mi lektur for a grindstone, or sell it to the proprietors ov sum insane hospital, to quiet their pashunts with. I don’t urge ennybody tew cultivate the comik lektring, but if they feel phull ov something, they kan’t tell what, that bites, and makes them feel ridiklous, so that they kan’t even saw wood without laffing tew thpmselis all the time, i suppose they hav goLfhe fun ailment in their bones, and had better let it leak out in the shape ov a lektur. But I advise all such persons to pitty themselfs, and when they lay a warm joke, not tew akt az a hen doth when she haz uttered an egg, but look sorry, and let sum one else do the cackling. If I had a boy who showed enny strong marks ov being a comik critter, if i couldn’t get it out ov him enny other way, i would jine him to the Shakers, arid make him weed ouions for three years, just for Fork Weekly. —Robert Chambers, the celebrated pub lisher, who recently died in Edinburgh, worth, it is said, some £600,000, began life as a poor boy, entirely dependent on his own exertions, laying the foundations of his fortunes by opening a small circu! latftig lib'fary with a little borrowed money. —One hundred and twenty-seven mothers in Worcester, Mass., seconded by all the physicians in the place, have united in asking that the afternoon sessions of the lower grade of .schools may be shortened.