Rensselaer Union, Volume 3, Number 28, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 April 1871 — ONLY ON THE BOX. [ARTICLE]

ONLY ON THE BOX.

“ Any one got a light?” “ Here, my boy; I have. The best matches in the world. Safest thing you can—” “ What, those things! Won’t let them near me. I’d have the patentees burnt with fagots of ’em. Why, 1 paid for a box of them, and Jessie paid, too, how much do you suppose? Out of a shop, mind you I" “I can’t tell, I’m sure,- some fancy price.” “ Only fifty thousand pounds. I’ll tell you how. Wait, I can’t give up my smoke, even to gratify so just a vendetta. So for once I’ll use the ill-omened thing. I remember the last time I used, or tried to use them—but you shall hear. You remember at the time when I and Jessie were going on together, old Foxberry, the millionaire; so lie enjoyed the credit of being called, though without any claim to the title, as it proved, for he had but seventy thousand pounds, and a millionaire, even by courtesy, ought to show nt least two or three hundred thousand pounds. However, he took all the airs, and enjoyed all the respect of one, and, so far as he was concerned, it came to the same thing. He really showed a great interest in our cooing and wooing; quite beyond what might be expected from a money grubber, such as he had been all his life. The liking began on his side, through my presenting him with a pound of the very choicest Turkish, which had been sent me ns a present, lie smoked—smoked day and night, not like a chimney which often has its fires banked up, but like a mountain of fire. “ Give me my pipe," he xvould say, taking a rather selfish view’ of the cosmogony, “ and I don’t care if the world turns upside-down.” A rather weak logician once retorted on him, “ But, my dear Mr. Foxberry, if the world turns, upside down, you and your pipe must turn upside down with it.” But Mr. Foxberry had him in a moment. “ I say, sir,” he roared, “if you had taken the trouble to attend—l stipulate for the quiet enjoyment of my pipe. You like splitting hairs, sir, I see. I could see that this old gentleman took a kindly interest in my love for Jessie. Between huge clouds of smoke he grunted out his approbation. “ I like you,” he said, “Bob, and that’s a great deal. Not so well as my pipe, of course; but more than my money. I like you better than the greedy crew who are hunting me for it, and who will find themselves disappointed.” Every one, of course, good-naturedly said that I was hunting him, which was far from the truth, though I own I had the air of it, and liked listening to his stories, his grim remarks, and, I own, the smoking some rare old cigars that he had got from a sea captain. I visited him often when it suited me, took little trouble about him, and at last got a hint from a friendly solicitor’s clerk that my name figured in “ large cape,” and in large figures, too, in his testament. The next time old Foxberry was smoking hard, he said to me: “ Why don’t you name a day ? Be bold, man alive. Pluck up, and don’t stand shillyshallying. You won’t lose by it in the end,” ho said significantly. “I tell you what,” he said, “ I’ve got a new box of cigars over. We’ll make a little party for a drive to Three-cross Abbey. Get her to meet you there. Settle it all off your hand, try the new cigars, and have done with it.” “ i I was enchanted. This, indeed, looked like business. I wrote off a hasty note to Jessie and her aunt, telling them how much depended on their coming, and imJdoring them to attend. I wrote also ito a eweler for a couple of little lockets, as I wanted to make a tender offering. I was very happy and excited. Mr. Foxberry grew more and more benignant. “There are pipes,” he said, “that I knock about any way, and throw down after I have smoked them. There are others I take care of, and put by carefully. You are a good fellow, Bob. Will be a capital smoker one of these days, and I’ll take care of you.” I thanked him cordially. Well, the morning '-came, and the carriage was actually at the door. Just then the postman came in with two letters and a little registered card-board box. One was from Jessie, saying that she was delighted to come. The other was from the jeweler, saying that he sent me two lockets, but that he wanted one back, “ for a bridemaid’s order.” The lockets were very pretty, and I admired them greatly. It was hard to choose between, them; I was in difficulty when Mr. Foxberry decided me by roaring out from below tliat he was ready, that the cigars were in, anil that we were losing the fine day. I had thus to make-a hasty choice. So I chose one that seemed the most elegant, rolled it

up in silver paper, and packed it up In a neat cardboard box. But how was I to send back the other locket? A capital idea! There was a match-box on the chimney-piece, which I emptied, packed away the locket in it, and sealed the box in white note-paper, tying it round with tape. “You,’ K I said to a handful of the matches “ must not set the house on fire, and wHI be of use in my waistcoat pocket? And there I deposited them. My reverend friend, a little out of humor, was still calling for me. I came down with many apologies, and away we drove. Before we had got a quarter of a mile, he called out: " Hallo! just like me. Forgotten my fusee-box. Drive back at once." v “ Stop, sir,” I said, smiling, “ I have thought of thatand pulled out a match from my pocket. He would have hugged me for this forethought. He said it showed such a true smoking instinct. It certainly did. “ Just fancy,” he said, holding up his cigar; “ I should have let this out, and where should I have been thep ? We don’t pass a village or even a cottage on the road to Three-crass Abbey; and there’s not a house within miles of it. Or else," he added, reflectively, “ I must have gone on smoking the whole day and whole of dinner. I tell you solemnly, I think I should die if I lost my after-dinner smoke.” I was a little facetious on this, making imaginary plans as to how the sacred fire might have been kept in, or propagated; making the coachman keep it alive during dinner, and the man servant during the coachman’s dinner, and I relieving both “ But only think of the risk,” he said; “suppose the cigar got choked, or the fellow got drunk, and let it go out. What would become of me then? I declare,” he said, with ferocity, “ I’d have the fellow broke and dismissed. I’d work heaven and earth to punish him.” ““Quite right,” I said, laughing. “ But I am happy to save the poor fellow from such a fate.”

“You will not,” he said, sternly. “Where my pipe is concerned, I’d let notiiing stand in the way. I really believe it to be the elixir of life; and any one that interferes with that supply, the vital energy, I look on as interfering with my life. And I would deal with him accordingly.” The cigars were certainly very good, nnd after smoking two, he said, “ Now’, my boy, for a bit of self-denial. Not one more till after lunch, or dinner, as we may call it; and then how we shall relish it! That’s the real time for enjoyment.” We were now at Three-cross Abbey, a little old ruin, in the middle of a sort of waste or common, with hardly a tree or a house near. It was a favorite spot for a picnic, as the ruin was picturesque, and moss-grown, and shady, sheltering us all from the sun. Jessie and her aunt were there waiting to meet us, Jessie looking lovely, as, indeed, old Foxberry as good as told her during lunch. “ When you're both installed in a fine house, she'll look all the better for such a frame. Some one,” he added, with meaning, “ will take care of you both.” Dinner was over, and he called to his man to bring him his cigar-case out of the carriage. “ I never was in a better humor for a cigar, and for a good cigar,” he said. “ After that little repast, too, I shall enjoy it the more. Here is a good corpulent one for you, and another for me. I always say, give me my smoke, and the world may turn upside down. Aye, and every human being in it, too,” he added. We laughed at the jest. Such a little tribute was only, due to him after the generous declaration about us.

“Give me a light,” said he sticking the cigar into the hole in the extreme corner of his mouth, a position which fanatical smokers are fond of. I drew out my bundle of matches with triumph. “ I have half a boxful in my pocket," I said; “it never does to be without them.” And I rubbed" one on my boot-heel. It massed fire. I tried another. It missed also. I tried a third, It missed again. “ What are you about ?” he said, testily. “You’re very awkward; I thought any fool could strike a match ” “My boot is damp,” I said, nervously. “ I’ll try the wall here.” I did so, and failed with three more in succession. '•He now lost all patience. “ You are a more stupid fellow than I took you for. Here, give ’em to me.” He tried himself, but in vain; they all failed, one after the other. I felt my heart sinking. “ The damp must have got at them,” I faltered, trying again. “ I hate delays, he said, in a passion. “it spoils my smoke. Are you a noodle ?” “Why,” cried Jessie, who had been looking at one of them closely, they are safety matches! They light only upon the box.” Old Foxberry flung his cigar over the wall in a fury. He gave me one look and walked away to the carriage. I rushed in despair to the coachman and the footman. For heaven’s sake, a match! Twenty pounds for one," I whispered hoarsely. “ Lord bless the man! ” said the former, starting, “ what d’ye mean ? ” , “A match, a match! Quick, a common Incifer match! ” “ I ought to have one,” he said, feeling his waistcoat pocket. “Wait—no—yes—there is one I do believe. He pulled but one—saved! It was as precious as a gem, that little splinter of wood. Alas! with fraying in his pocket the top hail all worn oft'. It was no good struggling with fate. I bowed my head and submitted. All the way back he never opened his lips. When he got out he complained of lieing ill, and said to the housekeeper, “ That blackguard has done it purposely, in hopes of killing me; but I’ll be even with him.” The next day he altered his will. "Now,” added Bob, “admit that I have reason to loathe the sight of safety matches that light only on the box.”