Rensselaer Union, Volume 3, Number 15, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 January 1871 — HORNS. [ARTICLE]

HORNS.

BY JOSH BILLINGS.

In writing the biogriphi ov horn*, 1 am astonished tew And ao uienny ot them, and ao entirely different in their pedigree and pretenahuna. “ Caj*k Horn."—Cape Horn Iz the biggnat horn known to man. It ic a native ot the extreme bottom ot Booth Amerlka, and gores the oahua. Cape Horn is hollow and aktaaa a phunnell tor the winds, which harry thru it in .mutch haste, causing the waters ot the sea for agnate distance tew bekum crazy, whienfrightens the vessels that go by thare, ana makes them rare and pitch tremenjua. Tikis hom is like a sour old bull in the hlway, and dont seem tew be ov any use, only tew make folks go out ot their . way tew git around it. “Horn ot a Dilemma."—Dilemma is derived from the Siamese verb "dUoss," which means a tits spot, and haz a horn on each end ot it There is no choice in these' two horns; if yu seise one ov them the other may perforate yu, and if yu dont take either both ot them may pitch into yu. I always avoid them if possible, but when possibility gives out, ml rule iz tew shut up both eyes, and Ate both prongs with my whole grit. Nine times out ov ten this will smash a dilemma, and it is alwus a good Ate if yu git licked in the tenth. Yu kant argy or reason with the horn ov a dilemma, the only way iz to advance in and fight for the gross amount. “Cow’s Horn.”—Two bony projeckshuns, curved, crooked or strate, worn by the cows on the aneks of their beds, for ornament in times of peace, and used when they go into war to stab with. These horns arc a kind of family rechord. At three years old a ring appears on the bottom ov the horn next to the head, and each year after a fresh ring is born. In this way the.cows kno how old they are. Sumtimes these rings fill up the whole horn and grow off'onto the adjoining fences in the pasture lot, but this only happens to very oidoows. 1 never knu it tew happen ip mi life, and I dont think it ever did, it is one ov them venerable lies that are handed down from father to son, just to keep the stock ov lies from running out; When I waz a boy I was told that butter cum from cow's hom—l hav since found out that this is another cussed old lie. This lieing tew children iz no evidence ov genius, and iz sowing the seeds ov decepshun in a soil too apt bi nutur tew covet what aint undoubtedly so. “ Dinner Horn.” —This is the oldest, and most sakred hom there fz. It iz set tewmusik,and plays “ Home Sweet Home” about noon. It has bin listened tew, with more rapturous delite, than even Graffula’s bond haz. Yu kan hear it further than vu kan one ov Mr. Rodman’s guns. It will arrest a man, and bring him in quicker thua sheriff’s warrent. It ken outfoot eny other noize. It kauses the deaf to hear, and the dum to shout for joy. Glorious old instrument! long may yure lungs last! “ Whisky Horn.”—This hom varys in length, but from three to six inches iz the favorite size. It iz different* from other horns, being ov a fluid natur. It iz really more pugnashus than the ram’s hom; six inches of it knok a man perfekly calm. When it knoks a man down it holds him thare. It iz either the principal or the seckond in most all the iniquity that iz traveling around. It makes brutes of men, demons of wimmin and vagrants of children. It has drawn more tears, broken more hearts and blited more hopes than all the other agencys of the devil put together. "Horn Comb.’’— This simple, little, unsophistikated instrument haz beheaded countless legions ov innocent children. I don’t mean that it haz cut oph their heads, but that it haz cut its way thru the hirsute embossing that adorns their skalps. It haz two rows of sharp teeth, and always haz a good appetite. It iz always az ready for a job as a village lawyer, and iz az thorough az a sarchwarrant. It iz an emblem of faith and neatness. When it gits old and loses its teeth, it should be cherished, hung up and labeled, “Well done, old mowser.” I always look upon an old and worn out hom tooth comb with a species of vencrashun, bordering on melankolly. It reminds me ov mi boyhood, and the boyish things that waz running through mi head in thoze days ov simplicity and innocence. Thare iz a grate money other kinds ov horns, but 1 Mint got the time to tell yu all about them now. Thare iz the “Powder Horn,’' the “Hom ov the Bull Head,” and the “Horn of Plentyand there iz also “Hom Tooke,” a celebrated writer of his day; but good-by for the present.