Rensselaer Union, Volume 2, Number 40, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 June 1870 — A Temperance Discourse in Reply to a Correspondent. [ARTICLE]

A Temperance Discourse in Reply to a Correspondent.

BY JOSH BILLINGS.

Berkshire : Who it waz that invented alcohol, 1 am unable tew tell without lieing; but it would hav bin a fttst-klass blessing for the rest of ns, if he and the linker had both uv them bin spilt on the ground and never bin sopped up since. The devil himself, with all hiz genius for a ten strike, could not have rolled a ball more serviceable for hiz blzness on earth; and moro certain to quarter on the head pin, and sweep the alley every time. Hum is the devil’s stool pigeon, hiz right bower, hiz high, low, Jack and the game. . A great menny, with dyspeptic morals, argy that licker is indispensiole for manufacturing and docktor purposes, and also for mekanikal uses, and they hold that yu kouldnt raise a barn that would stand, without any good old Jamaka rum, and sum say that pudding sass, without enny spirits In It, iz no healthier than common goose grease. But awl ovtheze are furnished free ov cost, by the Devil himself, and enny man who advances them iz telling’ (without knowing it perhaps) lies that will weigh, at a ruff estimate, at least a pound apiece. But mi objeckt in theze fu preliminus remarks, iz tew git a. good chance to. tell what i know about “ Jersey lightning” (one ov alcohol’s imps!) as a manafacktring and metaphysikal agent Jersey lightning iz cider brandy, three hours’ old, still born, and quicker than flash. This Juice iz drunk raw by all the old sports, and makes a premonitary and hissing noize az .it winds down the thrut, like an old she-goose setting on eggs, or a hot Iron stuck in ice water. Three horns a day ov this licker will tan a man’s interior in six months, so that he kan swallow a live, six-footed krab, feet fust, and not waste a wink. It don’t fat a man (cider brandy don’t) like whiskee duz, but puckers him up like fried potatoze. If a man kan survive the fast three years of Jersey lightning, he is safe then for the next 75 years to come, and keeps looking every day more like a three-year-old red peper-pod, hotter and hotter. An old cider brandy drinker will steam, in a sudden shower ov rain, like-a pile ov stable manure, and hiz breath smells liko the bungholo ov a rum cask lately omptyed. When Jersey lightning is fust born it tastes like biling turpentine and cavene, half-and-half, and will raise a blood-blister on a pair ovoid kowhide, brogans in 15 minutes, and applied externally, will cure the rumatlsm or kill the patient, I forget which. The fust horn a man takes ov this licker will make him think he has swallowed a gaslight, and he will go out behind the barn and try to die, but kant The eyes ol an old ciderbrandist look like deep gashes kut into a ripe tomato, his noze is the komplexion ov a half-biled lobster, and the grizzle in hiz gullet sticks oat liko an elbo in a tin leader. The more villainous the drink the more Inveterate are those who drink it. I kant tell yer whether cider brandy will shorten an old sucker’s dayes or not, for they generally outlive all the rest ov the nabobs, and die just as soon as tLe old tavern stand changes hands and iz opened on temperanse principles. One bottle ov sassaparilla or ginger pop iz az fatle tew theze old fellers az a rule ball iz tew a bed bugg. I would do almost ennything but murder tew save a young man from Jersey lightning, but trieing tew save an old one iz like trieing tew put the fire out ov a holler log; yu might az well let it burn up, for the ashes iz worth moro than the logg-