Rensselaer Union, Volume 2, Number 35, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 26 May 1870 — Slips of the Pen. [ARTICLE]

Slips of the Pen.

BY JOSH BILLINGS.

The wizest thing about a man is his conscience—edukashun don’t improve it. Ifyu want tu find out the ruling pashun ov a boss, feed him high on oats—it iz jist so with mankind. Aza gineral rule, the best way is to decide yureeelf what bizness in life it iz best for yure yung one tew foller, and then stick him at it while he iz limbermen alwus pole vines before they begin to run much. The only way for me to git out ov a tight spot iz tew git into it fust. Sum folks kan tell exakly how a thing feels by not tutching it, but I kant. The more babies in a family the eazier and better they are raized —onechicken alwus makes an old hen more clucking and scratching than a dozen duz. It takes an uncommon smart man, nowdaze, tew make money by telling the truth—it iz aktually an evidence ov genius. It iz a very small spot in the lightning bug’s tale that shines; it iz the darkness ov the nite that makes it so brilliant—it iz jist bo with virtew. Nussing revenge iz like missing a yung hedgehog—the older he grows, the sharper hiz quills. The good man iz like an old-fashioned Nu Englund clock—hiz soul iz the pendulum whose regular moshuns giv life and grace tew hiz hands and face, thus shoeing the good works that are inside ov him. Most ov the epitnffs on the tombstuns lead lik ■ guide-boards tew the grate citty, and without them a great menny would take the wrong road. Most people travel to see and be seen ; but few to compare. The otily way tew truli enjoy ennything iz tew be willing tew quit it when the bell rings. Time iz like a fair wind—if we don’t set our sails we lose that breeze forever. We are often ridikuled for telling old truths. The 10 commandments’ are old enuff tew be wore out with truth, but who follers them F Waking up in the morning to a virtuous man, is the same thing as being born again. " Necessity iz the mother of invenshun,” and Pattent Wright iz the father. Death iz the only thing ih this life that iz certain; and oven that iz not always a safe investment. , "IX . . , Humor iz a vagrant without a home, and lives upon what it can pick up. Virtew, backed up by courage, iz the perfekshun ev human natur. I don't reckon meroy nor pity always amung the virtews; they are often amiable weaknesses. Justlss iz the square root ov awl the virtews. I wouldn’t hav enny mercy nor pity hove out for rubbish; wither would I have a man think, because he melts at the anguish of the vicious, that it iz virtew that ails him. Bachelors are always a braggin ov their freedom!-freedom tew darn their own stockings, and poultlsa their own shins! I had rather be a widdower once in 2 years, reglar, than tew be a grunting, old, hair-dyed bachelor only 90 days. The lazyest man that I kan think ov now, waz Israel Dunbar, of Billingsville. He dried up a new milch cow in milking her 3 times, and planted an aker of beans, last spring, awl in one hill. He iz 45 years old and haint had the meazleS yet; he has alwvz been too lazy to ketch them. This boy died, when he wsz 18 years old, in crossing a korn field ; the pnnkin-vines took after him and smothered him to death.