Rensselaer Union, Volume 2, Number 32, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 May 1870 — Tite Boots. [ARTICLE]

Tite Boots.

BY JOSH BILLINGS.

I would jist like tew kno whoi the man wuz who fust invented tite boots. He must have bin a narrow and kontractcd kuss. If he still lives,! i.hope he haz repented ov hiz sin, or iz enjoying grate agony qy some kind. I have been in a grate menny tite spots in my life, but generally canid manage to make them average; but thare iz no such thing as making a pair ol tite boots average. Yu kan’t git an average on the pinch ov a tite boot, enny more than yo kan on the bite of a lobster. Enny man who kan wear a pair ov tite boots, and be humble, and penitent, and not indulge in profane literature, will make a good husband. He wul do more than that, he wall da to divide up into several fust klass husbands, and be made to answer for a whole naberhood. Ob! for the pen ov departed Wm. Shakspear, to write an anethema against tite boots, that would make anshunt Rome wake up and howl agin, az she did once before on a previous ockashun. Oh 1 for the strength ov Herkules, to tare into shu strings all the tite faiots of croashun, and skatter them to the 8 winds' of heaven. Oh! for the buty of Venua to make a bigg loot look hansum without a tite boot ou it. Oh!,for the payshunco ov Job, the Apostle, to nuss a tite boot and bless, it, and even pra for one a size smaller and more pinchfal. Oh 1 for a pair ov boots bigg enuff’for the foot ov a mountain.

I hav bin led to the above assortment ov “ Oh's” from having in mi posseshun at this moment, a pairov number nine boots, with a pair ov number eleven feet in them. : Ml feet are a* a dog’s noze the festtime he wears a muzzle. . ? I think mi feet will eventually choke the hoots tqdqth. I Uv in hopes they will. I suppozed I had lived long enuff not to be phooled agin in this way, but I hav found that an onnoe- of vanity weighs more than a pound ov reazon, espeshily when a man mistakes a bigg foot for a small one. Avoid tite boots, ml friend, aa you. Would the grip of the devil, for many a man has caught for life a fust-rate habit fox swearing by encouraging hiz feet to hurt hiz boots. I hav promised mi two feet, at least a dozen ov times during mi checkurd life, that they never should: be strangled agin, but I find them to-day azfUil qy pane u

' • . •r. .' I t , 1 , /' * 1 SO stomrauk ake, from a sudden attak or e boots. 1 But tbfa it solemnly the laat pair ottlte boots 1 will cvar wear; i will hereafter wear boots ax bigg az my feet, if 1 bare to go barefoot, to do it. lam tob'old and too respectable to be a phool anymore. Hazy boots lz one or the hnmieaoT life, but i forget what the other luxury is, but i don't know az i care, provided 1 can get rid or this pair or tite boots. Enny man ken bare them for seres dollars, just half what they kost, and if they don’t make his feet acne woes than an angle Worm in hot ashes, be needn’t pay for them. Methuseles iz the only man that i kaa kali to mind now who oonld hare afforded to have wot e tite boots, and enjoyed them; he had a grate deal of waste time to be miserable in, but life now daya iz too short, and too full or aktual bizziness to phool away enny ov it on tite boots. Tite..boots is an insult to enny man’s, understanding. Hb who wears tite boots will hare to acknowledge the corn. , Tite boots haye no bowels of mercy; tbair insides are 'wrath and promiskious cussing. Beware of tite boots. New York Weekly. ■ ' 1 ' ’ :