Rensselaer Union, Volume 2, Number 24, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 March 1870 — Untitled [ARTICLE]

BY “SHANGHAI CHANDLER.”

Double, double, boU and trouble,” [Macbeth’* V rr<3u*»- improved. Wno never had boils? Boils are biles. There is no need of telling anybody who ever had ’em what they are. To those who never raised any, this chapter is dedicated. Biles are a fruit, which grow on the human body and limbs. Some think them the fruit of sin, visited on this generation on rfccount of our great-grandfathers having sympathised with King George the Third and his tory crew during the Revolutionary war, or having breached-prom-ised and married the wrong girl, or done some other base act. These fruits were first propagated by the personal devil, who engrafted them onto Job, a freeholder of Us, a township in Asia, adapted to stock-raising. JobAidn’t like the fruit at all, and fain would have scraped them off ..with a potsherd—a species of pruning knife, unknown to Tuttle. Though Job was ‘himself free from sin, being perfect and upright, acefirding to the testimony of the devil . himself, yet his second buck of sons and - daughters are supposed to have kept on raising them and entailed them on posterity for the same reason that modern farmers raise thistles —because they can’t

help It. Biles are like misfortunes. In this: that they seldom come singly. Biles are misfortunes, themselves. If you don’t believe it, try a box. When you have one on one end, fortify yourself for the probability of having the other eud afflicted also. That is, if you have a bile on your foot, you'll stand a right smart chance to one on your nose or neck or thereabouts. This is especially true of the eye-biles, caHed styes; except that styes never grow on the other end. But who ever knew anybody to have one stye, without having more? Might as well have expected to find one Siamese twin, and not see his brother —before they were chopped apart. Kothlug is as soTe as a bile. An eagle can’t soar like a bile. They always come in the worst place. Have one on your Shoulder, Ind you’ll wish it was on your arm or leg; and vice verm. Philosophers have made grave research into the matter ~Qf the best location of biles. But they never settled the question. We have. The best place for us to have a bile,” is onto Henry Noyea; and we wish just $3 and 75 cts. worth that tliis'big one on our shoulder was on his nose. He could stand it. He is tough, and hath fortitude iuto him. Then, too, he can enjpy religion with ’em. Wo can’t. Widow Bedott declared i “ It ain’t onr antnr to enjoy Religion all theHime r All of which we steadfastly believer and this is the very time with us. And in all this we sin not with our lips—no more than Job did In chap. ii. verse 10. Perhaps not so much; for we don’t open our mouth and curse.our day,—if we do think a few on the bile. ' Biles made Job eloquently peevish. They make us cross as a bear. We have for the past half hour searched all through the book of Job forewords of consolation. Can find bat'one sentence that makes any impression on us. That’s a conundrum—chap, vi., v. ll: “ And what is mine end f” We’ve guessed It: In danger of having another on it. One is just taking shape, right on the crown of our head. Perhaps they’ll prevent fevers and other ills that meat is heir to: but as for us, let us possess typhoid ffcver, typhus ditto, lung ditto, ditto, ship ditto, yellow ditto, also scarlet,, blue, green, black, brindle, bay and* intermittent, together-with dipthcria, and the bots, rather than have any more biles, unless we ean have ’em, as aforesaid, on Henry * Noyes’ nose or shin. That’s ono kind. Noah Webster describes it as “ a circumscribed subcutaneaus Inflammation, characterised by a point ed pustular tumor, and suppurating with n central core; a peruncutus.” And if he could have thought of any more mean names to hhve called ’em, uo -doubt fife d . have applied them. Let no man familiarly Blap us on our right shoulder shift when we get up town. We’ve got a peruncutus on it. , Gen. Jackson said, ” By the Eternal, no more banks!”” With equal vehemence we remohstrate against any more biles—exoopt on Hank Noyes, who farts at us.— Baraboo Herald. Ton Wayne county (Pehn.) Herald says: "At or near Beech Pond, this county, there lives a German Who may safely fay claim to being the champion wretch of this vicinity. His wife died 'Some time since, and he made her a coffin himself, of rough hemlock boards, in. which ho placed some straw, upon which he placed, the f corpsQ, entirely naked, then dug a grave, and burlttt hla dead’ wife with as little -ceremony as one would a dog. A few weeks ago, a little son of hla, 4 or 5 years old, died, and he Interred him in the same, manner. Some days after he was buried a pair of shears was missed from the house, and could not be fdund Finally, this monster remembered dropping them in the straw of his little boy's coffin while he was working at it, and he forthwith * exhumed it, opened It, found the shears, and cdblly reinterred the'box and its dec tying contents.".