Rensselaer Union, Volume 1, Number 37, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 June 1869 — MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS. [ARTICLE]

MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.

LonDiraiox-A divorce. Non tor dull people— B sharp. How to make a clean sweep—Wash him. “ Tn man at the wheel "—The Veloci pedestrian. GALLornto Consumption— Eating at a railroad station. What part of the gun ia fit for wearing apparel ? The breech la. Wh/t ia the difference between a little boy and apoiato? One grows to be saten and the other ia b-eaten to grow. Two Louisville policemen the other evening tried for some time, bnt unsuccessfully, to induce a cast-iron dog to take poi toned meat. Gborok W. Childs projtoses to take his whola Philadelphia Ledger family to Atlantic City and give them a dinner on the Fourth of July. Th* signboard of a tavern near Strasbourg, France, bears the following inscription : “ Strong beer and wine of the first qeality. Customers drinking more than twelve glasses will be sent home in a cab, free of charge, in caae they are unable to matt."' r A Nevada miner recently sent on East for his family, and, when he met them, the other day, his wife could not recognize him until he bad shaved, and bribes of sugar plums alone reconciled his children to calling him papa.

A Buffalo lady was annoyed by a man named Thompson. She pulled out a pistol and snapped it at him. He moved off in good order and had her arrested. She was discharged on the ground that an unloaded pistol 1s not a deadly weapon. . A hah was tried some time back, for stealing several docks. The defense set up for him by the learned gentlemen who appeared for him was this: “ That after the J»risoi»«r had taken ttie docks to his own house; As put 'em. all back!" The juy didn’t see it 1 . ... A mah whose character was considerably below par, in talking the other day with a Brooklyn clergyman who is noted for his wit, said: “Ire always striven hard to preserve my reputation.” “ Yes, I understand ; you have always expended too much Anne and pain on trifles,” was the reply. Ta toe*!” cried a colored peddler in Richmond. " Hush dat racket! You distracts de whole neighborhood”; came from another oolored individual in a doorway. “Yqu kin hear me, kin you?” "Hear you I I kin hear you a mile.” “Tank God for dat 1 I’ae hollerin to be heard—ta-toss.” A French lady returning from Havana aarried with her a little negro boy, for whom she very tenderly cared. One day Bamboularsaid to his mistress: “Papa told me when I was big I must kill you and carry him all your money. I’m going to kill yon, bnt I shan’t go back to him. for he would take all the money away.’ Bambonla is on his way home. Little Freddy, who, through parental indulgence, has grown Into the easy position of household tyrant, but is, nevertheless, constrained to bold to the use of such polite forms of filial civility aa “ Yea, air," and “ No, sir,” recently came to the breakfast table with clouded brow and a general air of discontent “ Have some batter, Freddy ?” asked his father. “ No,” was the sharp reply. “No what ?” asked the. father with some emphasis. “No butter," answered the unyielding Fred. At a recent Sabbath School concert, the ordinance of baptism was administered. The clergyman in charge expressed gratification tkat the occasion offered him so good an Opportunity to explain to the children the nature of the service. By way of illustration, he said: “In Old' Testanfent limes, blood was offered as an atoning sacrifice, hence it was qpoken of. as a purifier; but what is used as ah' element of purity nowadays—what element conveys the idea of perfect cleanliness?” A moment's silence, and then a dozen little voices squeaked out—“Boap." A few days ago, while Judge Barker was presiding over the Supreme Court at Lock port, N. Y., a juryman was absent from his seat, all the others being occupied. A dog, looking for the master, very quietly took the vacant place. The J udge, addressing Hon. A. P. Lanning, of Buffalo, said: “ You see, Mr. Lanning, that the jurymen’s seats are all occupied. Are you ready to proceed?” The distinguished pleader raised his glasses to his eyes, and, after a brief survey of the jury box, made the reply: “ Your Honor, that fellow might do for a Judge; but I should hate to trust him tor a juryman." The Judge joined heartily in the laugh that followed. A naval officer being at sea in a dreadful storing his wife, who was sitting in the cabin near him, and filled with ajarptfoe the safety of the vessel, was so surprised at his composure and serenity that she cried out, “ My dear, are you not afraffif How ia it possible that you can be calm in such a dreadful storm ?” He rose from the Chair lashed to the deck, supporting himself by a pillow of the bedplace, drew his sword, and, pointing to the breast of his wife, while he adjusted his life-preserver, exclaimed, “Are you not afraid of that sword ?” She instantly answered “ No.” “ Why ?" said, the officer. “ Because,” rejoined the lady, “I know that it is in the hands of my husband. and be knows, too well to hurt me, that if I die now all my money will go to sister Belle.”Tre New Orleans papers tell a romance of the Chicot Noir crevasse: The belle of a neighboring country seat on the banks of the river was assiduously courted by two eligible young gentlemen, to one of whom she gave her heart, bnt to the other her parents insisted npon riving her hand. She vainly remonstrated, but the day was fixed, the party assembled, and the unfortunate girl, in a bewildered and half unconscious state, compelled to “stand up” for the ceremony. Just as the clergyman approached that part of the service which required her assent there came a roar and a crash. The river had burst its banka dose to the house. The guests fled iii terror, the bride fainted before she had said “ I will,’' and the re jected suiter, rushing in, carried her off, and before niriit had her safely married. The other, who had promised on his part to love and cherish, without receiving the reciprocal pledge, thinks of prosecuting.