Rensselaer Union, Volume 1, Number 7, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 12 November 1868 — Humorous. [ARTICLE]

Humorous.

i , Xh« JkHh Blllinia I’lqtein. \ . t AN ASHA ON LONO BAANCH. ’ Long Branch is a work of natnr, and iz a good job. It iz a summer resort for men, wimmin,and children, especially the latter. Children are az plenty hero, mid az sweet az flowers ill an out-door gardiu. Thay-play iu thu sand for work,-pnd git tflar feet wet for fun. Their iz sum attempt At stvle here, but the prevailing disease is good sense; yu cun see this stick out in the way people take it natral, and enzy, and don’t try to outstrip each other in wearing clothes, and theih exquisite. , I didn't sea lint one woman here who was drphsed too ekonomikal, and her dress was plenty long enongh nt the bottom, but the front side ov her shoulders seemed tew lack sumthing. I put up at the Continental Hotel, near the roof of the building, from choice. i-I -kan say that Uiis house in kept a good deal, without neutralizing my dignity, lor I paid the same price that the rest of the boarders did for my vittles. I shall put up hero agin, when i cum, if i have tew straddle the ridge pole. 1 never leave a good hotel for a better one; i learnt this fishing for frogs. If i am where the frogs bite good, that's mi puddle. r I hav known folks tew swaps good hcrae for a poor one, jist for the sake ov 10 dollars tew boot My wife puts up with me at the same hotel; it iz an old-faaliionod way we have ov doing things. She always goes tew fashionable resorts, where yung widders nre ennyways plenty, tew put era on my guard, for I am one of the eazyest critters on record tew be imposed upon. She has saved me (by tbfi hare of the head) more than six times ulreddy, from being spilt by the widders. Sho Is an ornanient tew her seeks -my wife iz. J .would like tew see a young widder, or enuy other man, git the start ov me when my wife iz aroundIf I jist step out sudden tew get a soder cocktail tew cool my aching brow, my wife goes tew the the end of the verandy with me, and waits for me, and if I go down onto the beech to astronomize jist a little, all alone by moonlite, she stands on the bluff, like a beacon lite, tew warn me ov the breakers. No man whoze feet are slippery, and who haiu't been aeeidentally insurod agidu f 't rc’cent widders, ought to be allowed on the Branch without a wife who understands her bi«. The hotels now.are phat with folks, awl ov whom ackt fust rate, except the pesky widders, and i don’t see enny thing so very awful about them, but my wile duz, and she knows. The biggest thing they have got here, for the present, iz the pool ov water in front ov the hotel. This pool is said bi good judges tew be 3,0(M) miles long, and sum places 5 miles thick. Into this pool, every day at 10 o’clock, the folks all retire, males, females and widders, promiskqss. They dress in flannel attire, ov menny colours, and look az near alike, when they are in the pool, rz a floek ov ducks and drakes. ’ ..._. —— —- The waler in this pool haz stood so long it haz got salty, and ought tefc lie changed, and i Deleave they have got a bill before the Nu jersey legislator for that purpose, but Nu jersey folks are Shy about tricing experiments. They are willing tew invest n little sumthing iu a ded sure thing, but I don’t think they will ever undertake ta freshen this pool.

The Grecian Crook iz prevailing hero just now amnng the yung ladys. The bend seems tew be sum, whare near the small ov their backs, and gives them a' very intelektual look, the same az the anshunt. greeks had, idtho i think tueir walk resembles tew much a sore footed goose. The turnouts arc unkommen menny, and slik, four in hand are frequent, i had the espeshifll honor ov being slung around the butiful avenews and through the queenly grounds ov Mrs. Huoy bi four white-footed sorrels, dressed in russet and white harness, and driven tew an elegant drag by their owner, Proff. Eastman, of Po'keepsie. I set up on the back seat az stiff as a bridegroom, and evry boddy seemed tew hay their eyes close reefed on us. The Hon. Abiah Palmer, ov the Noo York Senate, sat with the Professor, and -the Bev. Henry Frost supported me. The bands of inusik in front of the different hotels played for us. _ ’’ I must say i’ felt a little big. And it ain’t to be wondered at, for I hav bin much in tlie habit, ov late years, ov going atoot when I rode. ; The scenery here iz grand, especially the pool, and the air iz az bracing as a milk -ptmteh. Tiie tables are full ov vittles, and the servants are az polite az dancing masters. I gave one ov them a 50 cent shinplaster, and he opened ami shut in front ov me for five minuits, az easy az a jack knife tliate had been recently greasedr “ Drinks tire reasonable, espeshily out ov the pool, and eigars must bo plenty an,d cheap, judging from the vast concourse ov stub ends lieing around loose on the lawns. The last touch ov civilization has finally reached Long Branch. Sum enterprising missionary has just opened a club house, whore awl kinds ov gambling iz taught. I leave to-morrow at 3 o’clock p. m.