Rensselaer Standard, Volume 1, Number 27, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 20 December 1879 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

l. ? « The man or woman who has never sa.Wjsisfio.'SssS Before the show-window of a picture shop: First gamin to second—“ Say, Bill, came away: don't be lookin' at them pictures o» bailry dancers,or folks »U take yer for a Havard freshman.” The foundation of every hou-e should be tnith, the Umbers virtue, the danboards laith and the roof charity, while the sewers should be so constructed that the devil caunot crawl in the back way. In some respects a man ia similiar to a silver dollar. He c&n do more good by being good than by appearing good when it is not good. This"thought was engendered by receiving a lead half doliaHu change. * ! • _A laxy man having a wife named Hope, whose custom it was to pull off her husband’s boots every evening, was wont to exclaim on such occasions: “How truly it is said that ‘Hope lathe yanker of the sole.'” A deaf mute used the new audiphone: “Can you pay uie that 86?” these were the first words he heard. “I prefer to remain in my original condition,” he said, sternly, and threw the audiphone out of the window. A fellow can stand an awful lot of liberality on his own part, but when his solio girl shows a disposition to be liberal iu the distribution of hersmjles and favors, he kicks like a flint-lock musket that has been loaded, for years. “Well, Johnny,” saida fond mother, “hurry up and say your prayers and get into bed.” “Oh, I've fixed that all right, I've hired sis to say ’em for me this week.” But his marrow-bones hugged the oil-cloth that night Just as usual. .

“I don't see bow there ever came to be so many words in the world!” ex-" claimed a little girl who was studying her spelling lesson. “Why, sis,” said her brother, “they came through folks quarreling. Then, you know, one word brings On another.” Felicia was gliding down Tremo t street yesterday afternoon, with a derby hat on and canyiug her hands in the pockets of berjong ulster, when a small boy run up oncT said: “Say, Miss! if yer had a cigar now, you’d be all right, wouldn't yer?”

Scene between'professor aud freshman on Blakefield: Professor—How dare you swear before me, sir? Freshman (triumphantly)—How did 1 know that you wanted to swear first? After the scene that ensued the fresh man gathered himself up aud sileutly stole away. j “Can my darling wa»li the dishes? Can ihe scrub tbe kitchen floor? Will she keen on mending stockings When t he h »ars the baby roar? Will her ut se detect bad butter, With whlcn giocery stores abound? Tell me, darling, uo your shoestrings Make a half-hltcli, or go round? A paper in Memphis refates a ease of a beautiful young lady, the daughter of wealthy parents,eloping with an editor. This is as it should be. We thought all the while that the young lady would eventually recover from the coachman mania, and aspire to tbe nobility again. > “Why shovld a monument be erected to Adam?” says an exchange. Well, because we don’t want to forget the old fellow; because he never parted his hair In the middle or wore an ulstei; because he is the only man who ever had things his own wav, and because, not knowing when he was well off, he went and got marrried 1 And now he’s dead! A little boy in Sunday school put a poser to his teacher. The lady was . telling her class how God punished the Egyptians by causing the first born of each household to be slain. The little boy listened, and at the proper interval iuquired. “What would God hnva done if there had been twins. The McGregor news says: . “A fashionable garment can now be made by taking your husband's ulster, dying it brown, cutting off the breast pocket, gathering it behind' and sewing ten cents’ worth of black . ruebing around the neck. With one of these-on,' a middle sized woman can sail into a five cent store with the air of a duchess.” • „

Scene: Central Park Museum—An geliua—“Edwin, my love, look at this most interesting creature, the anteater.” Edwin—“ Ant-eater, my love! It would be more interesting to ine if it was a mother-in-law eaten” The bump on Edwin’s head is getting slowly better, but Angelina’s parasol is hopelessly deranged. Nothing tends more to disturb the calm quietude of a Sabbath morning, and banish the religions emotions that have accumulited in a man’s breast during the week, than for him to claw his way into a stiffly starched shirt, aud find that it lacks two inches of meeting around the neck, because it is John William Henry’s shirt Instead oi his own. An artist who recently painted a picture of a certain general received two callers the other day who wished to look upon the counterfeit presentment. It was shown, and one of the visitors, who spoke with the brogue that General Bcott admired so much, approached the likeness with the evident intention of putting his fingers upon it. and pointing out what he conceived to be some special -excellence, remarking at the same time, “Bedad, it’s tbe Gineral!” Tbe frightened artist of course followed, saying, “Don’t touch it; it’s not dry!” “Bedad, thin,” said Pat, “it’s not the Ginera/l” ’