Rensselaer Standard, Volume 1, Number 26, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 December 1879 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

Oolumbos made the egg stand, but Italians of lees renown have mode the peanut stand. There's a love of besets end a love of birds, tads love of the love-god *k wiles; But a love that knocks a pocket-book thin Is a love of the latest styles, ' t 1 “An hoar passed—the Turkey woke; f That bright dream woe bis last; He woke to die, ’mid fire and smoke, i , ’Mid basting spoons and carver’s stroke. And bright blades, lashing test.’’ “You just take a bottle of my medicine,” said a quack doctor to a consumptive, “ana you’ll never cough again.” “Is it so fatal as that?” gasped the consumptive. A bridal couple from Washoe Valley, at breakfast this morniug, conversed as follows: He—'‘‘Shall I skin you a pertater, honey?” She—“No, thank you, deane, I have one already skun.’-’ An unknown man killed by the cars in Connecticut on Saturday had In his pocket sixty cents and a pair of scissors, and the coroner’s jury rendered a verdict that the deceased was an editor.

A principal of a female college in Elmira told his lady pupils that as fur as dropping love letters out of the windows was concerned he did not raise so much of an objection as he (Ud to the poor spelling some of them contained. Marietta little lamb, Tben she took a slice o’ bam, Next she ate a piece o’ pie— Mince—a little sip o’rye, Or wine, perhaps, followed next, As “sixteenthly” does the text; Tben she slept and dreamed tnat slis Was Barnum’s menagerls. A young lady who had been married a little over a year wrote to her matter-of-faot old father, saying, “We have the dearest little cottage in the world; ornamented with the most charming little creepers you ever saw.” Tne did man read the letter and exclaimed, “Twins, by thunder.” “I want to sell you an encyclopedia,” said a book agent to one of our foremost pork men, the other day, who, by the way, Is better posted on j>ork than be is on books. “What do I want with your encyclopedia?” snarled the pork man; “I couldn’t ride one if I had it.” He thought ij, was a new variety of velocipede. Mr. Standing Bear the distinguished Indian, heard Joseph Cook lecture the other day. “Heap smart man,” said Mr. Bear at the close of the lecture, “Talkee, talkee, talkee. Big sound. Who wind him up?” “No,” said Mr. Cook, when he heard of it; “the Indian cannot be civilized. He’s an infernal brute, and I can prove it.” The katydid does all her singing with her legs. Now, if the young man who sists hehind you at the concert and hums the tenor softly, were compelled to do all his singing by rubbiug the soles of his feet together, how happy you would be. And he? Oh, he would sing about as well as does now, and the musical world wouldn’t miss him at all.

Several young men were sitting together, and a young lady happened to 3e in the vicinity. One “real sweet” young fellow seeing, as he supposed, the young lady looking at him, remarked playfully and with a becoming simper: “Well, Miss -—, you needn’t look at me as though you wanted to eat me.” “Oh, no,” sweetly replied the young lady, “I never eat greens.” A schoolboy got up to read a composition on “The Tree.” He got as far as “This subject has many branches,” when the teacher said “Stop! you bars not made your bow yet.” “If you interrupt me again,” said the boy, “I’ll leave.” “You give me any more impudence and I’ll take the sap out of you. Do you understand?” “Itwig,” said the boy, and then the regular order ot business proceeded. Frustrated social ambition—Miss Lyon Hunter (to Herr Bogoluboffski, the famous virtuoso, whose afternoon pianoforte recitals are the wonder of the world) —“A—by-the-by, Herr BoSlubonski, we thought you would :e to try the new Broad wood?” Chorous of Ladies—“Oh, do, Herr Bogoluboftski, pray Ido!” If err Bogolutxfffßki who has been asked to dine eu familie, and spend the evening “quite in a friendly way”)—“Laties, if you vould perhaps vish zat I should amuse ze company, quite in a vrentiy vay, I gan preak ze Soker on my arm, I gau schvallow ze dable schboons, and I gau sohdick a lighted dallow gan tie in my moose vizout pudding it out—pot I gannot blavze biano after tinner!” [N. B.—On the strength of Herr Bogoiuboffcki’s ooming, Mrs. L. H. has cunningly invited just one or two very select friends to drop in during the evening, and the new Broaawood grand has been procured at great expense for the occasion.