Rensselaer Standard, Volume 1, Number 25, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 December 1879 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

An intelligent oompoeitor out West made the queen of the ball wear a pair es delicately-tinted “scandals.” Little flops of backwbeet, Qolden lumps to matoti, Makes a mighty itching And a constant scratch. Empress Eugenie always dines alone, and in her own apartment “Alone?” Ah, ha! We have it! Bet you a dollar she eats pie with her knife! “Jane,” said he, “I think if you lifted your feet away from the fire we might have some heat in the room.” And they hadn’t been married two years either. Father addressing his little boy, who had brought home a bad mark from school—“ Now, Johnnie, what shall I do with this stick?” Johnnie: “Why, go for A walk, papa.” A Philadelphia paper claims for that city the champion modest young lady, upon the ground that when she hangs ‘ her stockings on the clothes line she covers them with veils. “This,” said a mother, as she plied the slipper to the boy across her knee, “represents the rise and foil of leather.” Ana then she added to her howling off- j spring, “Now market.” A girl teased her old father to buy her one of those new bonnets tipped off with a humming bird, and he said he would do it if he thought she would ever stay to hum in it. “Men often jump at oonclusions,V : says the proverb. So do dogs. We saw a dog jump at the conclusion of a cat, which was sticking through the opening of a partly closed door, and it created more disturbance than a church scandal. -

The subject of conversation at an evening entertainment was the intelliijence of of dogs, l jays Smith: “There are dogs that have more sense than their masters ” “Just so,” responds young Fitznoodle, “I’ve got that very kind of a dog mjrself.” A little fellow, on going for the first time to church, where the pews were very high, was asked when he came out what he did in the church, when he replied: “I went into a cupboard and sat on a shelf.” * f x ,TwaaSunday morn, and Rev. Jones Waa breakfasting with Gray. Said Jones, “ Another bit of steak, As I have to preach to-day,” “Guess I’ll brace up a little, too. ” Bald Gray, his eyes a-glisten. And be belped himself to a hunk of meat. “For yon know I have to listen.” Conjugal Affectisn.—Mrs. Foozle (Improving the occasion): “Is it not Bad, my dear,, about your friend, Mr. Buffles, drinking so, lately? I’m told his only excuse is the loss of his wife.” Mr. Foozle (excitedly): “Only excuse —only excuse, madam J And a very good excuse, too. There are many men who would be glad to. have the same excuse.” Twas In Arabia’s sunny land He woed his bonny bride; His amber Ella, rain or ablne, We* ever by his side 1 . Bat now be doesnot Kaffir her; No love tale does he tell her; He’d fain Bedouin something Alas! poor Arab-Ella. The use of whisky for ratttlesnake bites in Texas has increased so enormously during the past year that the overworked snakes have resolved to leave the State unless the Board of Immigration reinforces them strongly. They work on double time, and yet can’t do half the biting that is demanded by the consumers. One snake, who does business at Port Lavaca, is six weeks behind his orders, and three of the clerks are sick.

Juries sometimes give very curious verdicts. One of the most remarkable was that found by a Washoe jury in a case of milk stealing, j The prisoner was tried on a charge of stealing milk from another man’s cow. It was proved that he had frequently milked the animal at night, thereby causing his ueighbor great vexation and annoyauce. The jury desired to express in their verdict their sense of the aggravated nature of the /offense. They therefore found the prisoner “guilty of milking tbe cow in the first degree.” A lady contributor tells this story: “I had been out in Westchester county on a visit, and while there I found a kitten which I brought home as a plaything for my two children.. Te prevent any dispute about the ownership of puss, I proposed, and it was agreed that the head should be mine, the body should be the baby’s, and Eddy, the eldest, but three years old, should be the sole . proprietor of the long and beautiful tail. Eddy rather objected to this division at first as putting him off With an extremely, small share of the animal, but soon became reconciled to the division, and quite proud of his ownership. One day soon after, I heard poor puss making a dreadful mewing, and called out to Eddy, ‘There, my son, you are hurting my part of the kitten, l heard her cry.’ ‘No, I didn’t mother; I trod on my part, and your part hollered.’”