Rensselaer Standard, Volume 1, Number 24, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 29 November 1879 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

Here lies a girl as one forgotten, who lost her shape with the raise of cotton. "The deeds that men do live after them," while their "duds" are divided among the afflicted. A new song is entitled “My love She Is a Kitten. ,J Kittens scratch like ths mischief, and so perhaps does his love. The proper form for a will nowadays will read: "To the respective attorneys cMMny children I give my entire eeEdward 8. Stokes is but the shadow of his former self. And It is the same way,with Jim Fisk, whom he sent to the shades. It is a current bard who sings, "I sat alone with my conscience." Two to one he never had less fun in all his born days. A young lady attending balls and parties should have a female chaperone until she is able to call some other chap her own. Talmage will lecture In the Redpaib Bureau on the subject of "Big Blunders." He knows something about how It is himself. “ES Winter night fair Isabel; I Yr 8???? u P° n knees and tell *° kirl Is band Rummer than she And that she Autumn marry me. "Py schimminy, how dot poy studies de languages!" is what a delighted elderly German said when his fouryear old son called him a blear eyed son of a saw-horse. Accounts say that there has never before been such a drought as now in the State of Texas. Still there is no trouble in getting a drink there if the applicant has fifteen cents. A pork packer is a man who slips into your unlocked cellar and carries off half the hog your thoughtful father-in-law sent in from • the country to make into Christmas sausage. An embarrassed actor bounded on the stage of a San Francisco theater, in a scene depicting a robbery in a hotel office, and shouted, "Gag the safe, while I blow open the night clerk." A young lady who didn’t admire the custom in vogue among her sisters of writing a letter, and then cross-writing it to illegibility, said she would prefer her epistles "without an overskirt." A proper conclusion for the marriage ceremony in many of our fashionable "society" weddings would be: "What commercial interests have jhtned together, let no ill-temper put asunder!" When the old gentleman comes home and finds his daughters have got his slippers and tlieeasy chair, and the evening paper ready for him, he realizes that it is the season for a fall opening of his pocket book.

4 Prof. Adler says that "it is necessary in these modern days to dress up truths in new and attractive garbs so tha# men will listen." Which is equivalent to saying that men now-a-days have no regard for the naked truth. A distinguished French actor who prepares ladies for the stage requires them to walk two or three hours every day with a brimming vessel of water on their heads. He probably wishes them to acquire a floating gait. A girl has been discovered in Rochester who can chew gum for seven hours and "look off" just like a piano player, and never miss a chank. She is not yet eleven years old, end great expectations are entertained of her. Col. Mapleson, log—" What voice is mute, the leading flute, would I shoot the blam’d galoot. What, ho, within, chief violiu, you’ll play to-night and set things right. Blawßt my sanguinary eyes, they caun’t get the better of me, you know." "Do, do keep away from that window,” said he. "But I’m not afraid of the lightning," replied she. "Ah, dear,” continued the youth, frantically, "little do you realize how attractive you are." And having made this appeal he was able to conduct ’er away When a spirited girl takes a mental inventory of the stock iu trade of the thin-limbed young men who stand along the public thoroughfares. Sucking the tops of their sticks, she doubts the wisdom and justice of Nature in tendering her sex such frail means of support. A man stopping his paper, writes: "I think folks ottent to spent their munny for a payper, my dada didant, and everybody sed he was the iutelligentist man in the country, and he had the smartest family of boiz that ever dugged taters." Of course he didn’t need a paper. When a boy on his way to Sunday school loses the nickel he has been carrying for the missionary box, he is torn with agonizing rem< rse because be didn’t.spend it for peanuts before it was wasted. If sorrow for the defrauded heathen factors in his agony, he isn’t aware of it. When little Bob asked his sister’s beau for a cigar, his future brother-in-law snubbed him with the remark: “Young man, a strap would do you more good." Next night Bob’s sister and her young man got their hands, chins and clothes smeared with coal tar while lingering at the front gate, and little Bob when questioned on the subject, said he couldn’t tell -a lie, "it must have been a tramp." It is well to look at all sides of a subject before you indulge in an opinion. Curran once said to Father Deary: "I wish, reverend father, that you were St. Peter and had the keys of heaven, because they would let me in." Th* shrewd and witty priest saw the sarcasm and turned its sharp edge on the skeptip-by replying, "By my honor and Conscience, sir. it would be better for that I had the keys of the other* place,(for then I could let you out" ■