Rensselaer Standard, Volume 1, Number 22, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 November 1879 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

A wrestling mat sh differs somewhat from a political cot ivention. The man who has the floor i i at a disadvantage. At Logan. Utah, the other night a Limberger cheese fi ctory was struck by lightning, and all the people moved out of town. Little Jonney lays: “Talk about your patent base burning stove;; my ma’s old slipper is a hot enough base burner for me.” The latest London song is called • “My Love She is A Kitten.” It would make a splendid serenade for a small back-yard party. [ “What will the harvest be?” asks an exchange. Well, just wait till the harvest bee crawl’s up your trouser’s lor. and you’ll find out.” Cod-Liver oil won’t kCI a person stone dead, the same as if a budding fell dn him, and perhaps that’s why so many persons detest it. , t jj- . f. A man has been on the Baltimore police twenty-two years, and never caught anything but a cold. And really, that caught him. The man who wrote that “duty” was the most sublime word in the English language is believed to have been the Collector of a lucrative port. The divorced husband of Mrs. ScottHiddons wasn’t exactly a great big brute, according to reports, but all he lacked was another pair of legs. “If there is no moonlight will you meetme by the gas light, dearest Juliana?” “No, Augustus, I won’t,” she replied “I’m no gas meter.” “That’s the first hop of the season , remarked a dancing master as hto young hopeful sat down on a tack. Then the music -started and the bawl began. j j “Ah, Louise, my heart is very despondent. Ever since I have gazed into the depths of! those lovely eyes I “Hush, John! Put an airbrake on that train of thought. Pa has introduced me to hto new partner, and I’m his for two million dollars. That settles it.” Two women at Union. Tenn., had a duel in regular man style. They both fired at the word, and one hit a boy who was climbing over the fence with a watermelon, and the other hit a calf in the field. Both having drawn blood, they acknowledged that they had received satisfaction. I must tell you jof a conversation I overheard on the beach at Treport between two children who were playing in the sand together. The small boy said to the littlte gim: “Do you wish to be my little wife?” “The little girl, after reflection: fYes, ” Tphe small boy: “Then take off my boots!” Miss Miller, of Ferris, Tex., chloroformed her father’s dog and eloped with the young man whom her father had forbidden the premises. The probabilities are that about a year hence she will conclude that her life would have been less miserable if she had chloroformed the young man and eloped with her fathers dog.

Sam the collier naaoieu, and the parson wanted to say something consoling to the afflicted ones, and something at the same time peculiarlv appropriate to a miner’s calling. So he said, “Our dear departed friend, whose life has been spent in the bowels of the earth, ’mid cold and wet, has, let us hope, gone to another and a warmer underwood.” A little boy was told by his grandmother to turn down a leaf in the family Bible every time he told a lie. At the end of a week the old lady asked him how many lies he had told during the seven days. He silently handed her the holy book. She turned over page after page, and at length said ‘ angrily: “Why, you little brat, you’ve lied all the way from Genesis to Revelations, and half way through the Psalms.” Two grammarians were wrangling the other dey, one contending that it was only proper to say, “My wages is high,” while the other noisily insisted that the correct thing was, “My wages are high.” Finally they stopped laborer, and submitted the question to him. “Which do you say, ‘Your wages is high,’ or ‘Your wages are high?’” “Oh, off wid yer nonsense,” he said, resuming his pick, “yer naythur ov ye right; me wages is low, bad luck to it.” The Elmira Gazette gives this code of hat flirtation signals: Wearing the hat squarely over the head, I love you madly; tipping it over the right ear, my little brother has the measles; wearing it on the back of the head, ta, ta, awfully awful; taking it off and brushing it the wrong way, my heart is busted; holding it out in the right hand, lend me a quarter; throwing it at a policeman, I love your sister; using it as a fan, come and play with my aunt; carrying a brick in it, your cruelty is killing me; kicking it across the street, lam engaged; putting it on the ground and sitting on it, forever. ~*

“I know I’m losing ground, sir. tearfully murmured the pale faced Freshman, “but it is not my faulty sir. If I were to study on Sunday, as the others do, I could keep up with my class, sir—indeed, I could; But I prom*; ised mother ne-ne-never to work on the Sabbath, and I can’t, sir, ne-ne-never,” and as his emotions overpowered him he pulled out his handkerchief with such vigor that he brought out with it a small flask, three faro chips and a euchre deck, and somehow or other the professor took no more stock in that Freshman’s eloquence than if he haH been a graven image. V 1