Rensselaer Standard, Volume 1, Number 21, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 8 November 1879 — CONDIMENTS [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS

Let a man who is without any shins throw the first stone. “First come first served,” as the cannibal remarked to the missionary. You’ll always find a good looking lass in in close proximity to a good looking glass. We would not advise you to go all the way to Kansas Topeka a quarrel with any body, * The Utes object to being civilized, and the white men on the border object to being Utelized. A poet sings, “And I covered her up with a kiss I gave.” He must have been a coachman aud put her nnder the ’bus. “Say, Johnny, what time is it?” “Eleven o’clock and three laps.” Then Johnny got one lap—with a slipper. “Waiter?” “Yes, sir. “What’s this?” “It’s bean soup, sir.” “No matter what it has been. The question is: What is it now?” ‘T‘here, now,” said a little girl, rummaging a drawer in the bureau, “Grandpa has gone to heaven without his spectacles.” This life may be, as stern moralists say, all a fleeting show, but it is an exhibition from which deadheads are rigidly excluded. “I will tell you,” says a rabid freethinker, “the idea that there is a God has never come into my head!” “Ah! precisely like a dog. But there is this difference—he doesn’t go round howling about it.” The following verse "contains every letter of the alphabet: Except with zeal wo strive to win God’s Just and holy love, We cannot conquer strife and sin, Nor walk with him above. “Somebody’s coming when the dewdrops fall,” she was softly humming, when the old man remarked, “An’ you bet yer sweet life, Maria, that he’ll think a thunderstorm’s let loose when he gets here.” ! , A McGregor (Iowa) merchant who is bored with loafers sitting on his dry goods boxes, last week hired the deputy sheriff to rush by his store double •quick. They all rushed after him, when the store keeper took his boxes in. Boys don’t be deceived. A girl who will talk of the “limbs” of a table, will after marriage, chase you all around the ragged ratal parts of a two-acre lot with a rolling-pin and a regular kerosene conflagration in both eyes. —The flower’s wilting In the mead, The grass is getting crisp, And through the trees at eventide The tender breezes lisp ; While on the stoop at half-past 10 George Henry fondly whlspErs sweet things to Geraldine. “Whisper what thou feelest,” said a sentimental youth as they sat on the front stoop one warm summer evening. And the romantic maiden whispered that she felt as if she had eaten too many cucumbers for supper, and thought she had I better go iii the house.

great many people resemble Louis.in their religion. He made to the Vl rgin Mary a present of the whole county of Boulogne, but retained the revenues thereof for himself. In this, equivocal way we are willing to givel our lives to the Lord. - 4 It was a waggish magistrate Whereto was brought a sinner, Wbo’d sadly thrashed the maid he loved Because he couldn’t win her. Reflectively, yet much amazed, The Judge repeated dryly, “Alas! that he should lacerate The lass-he-rates so highly.” Sidney Smith could not let slips chance to make a joke, Rev. Mr. Selwyn departed as a missionary for New Zealand. Smith took him warmly by the hand and said: “Good-bye, my dear Selwyn; I hope you will not disagree with the man who eats Bright young man, in restaurant, makiug out an order for supplies, writes “Bologna.” “Jack,” says a bystander looking on, “why don’t you omit ‘og’ from that word, and save ink?” “Because,” was the tuick reply, “that wouid be leaving out twothirds of the hog.” “Gem’len. de man who am alius talkin’ nebber talks anyfing worf bearin’. De man who am alius advisin’ nebber has advice worf heedin’. Let doze folks who suffer wid cold feet come an’ ax your advice, an’ den you’ll receive due credit for knowledge an’ wisdom. We will now adjudieate to our homes.”

’Tis night. Two lovers lean Upon the gate; A nearing form is seen. ■ ' it is their Cate. A piercing scream from her Th 9 welkin rent It was, as yon infer, Her pa-ri-ent. The lover sought to scoot, Alas! too late; He’s hoisted with a boot Beyond the gate. He is a very small boy, just bey sa the limits of babyhood. His precociousness is well recognized by those that know him, and sometimes people try to comer him in a logical way. The other day some one took him up and asked him If he was papa’s boy. He answered yes. “Are you mamma’s boy, too?” “Yes,” replied Charley. “Well, how can you be papa’s boy and mamma’s boy at the same time?” was asked him. “Oh,” replied Charley, indifferently, “can’t a wagon have two horses?” That settled his questioner. When the notes of the triangle gave warning for the hour of closing, Brother Gardner said. “My frens, de man in ' disguise am de chap who doan’t take comfort. Be what you am, an’ nobody else. Doan’ pucker your mou& lo make em look small, nor pinch your feet to lessen de bulge. Tryin to pull on a No. 1 kid glove ober a No. lOhanc am on a par wid spendin’ all yer money for bacon an’ den jain’ de ole woman ’cause ye haven’t got ’taters, Dat’s all jist now, an’ we will get under our hats an’ impeach de meetin’ for a week.” Neatness in the Sick Boom. Disorders are at ail times aud places demoralizing; and nowhere witn the same impress, as in the sick room to a depressed invalid. The kind mother, sister or nurse, who moves quietly about the sick room, arranges the furniture and pictures in the room, tidies up the bureau, arranges the vases with fresh flowers, and her own toilet, so as to appear inviting and cleanly, does as much for her invalid as the physician does for his patient. These are as reIquisite to a speedy recovery, as the sunlight is to the growth of plants and development of flowers.