Rensselaer Standard, Volume 1, Number 20, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 November 1879 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

A car bunk’ll do, if it is In a Pullman and not your neck. At a spelling match one man spelled “pasnip” and got beet. A Delaware avenue girl calls her beau Lucifer because he is such a good match., A new pair 01 pandyloons may confer der leiks of a fool, but vhen his inout vas go open der fool jumps out. A minister up at Oshkosh Cribbed a sermon from Dr. McCosh, And soared with such flights That his listeners said it was bosh. An exchange tells of an absentmiuded man who got in a barber-chair pinned the newspaper round his neck - and began to read the towel. Mother (very sweetly) to children who have just had a distribution of candy—“ What do children say when they get candy?” Chorus—“ More” The worst reason for not drinking " water comes from an exchange which says a Western editor refuses to drink water because since the deluge it has tasted of sinners.

“Eugenia, Eugenia, will you still insist on wearing the hair of another woman upon your head?” “Alphonso, Alphonso, do yov insist upon wearing the skin of another calf upon your feet. “We wish,” says a Texas newspaper, “that a few of our citizens could.tie permitted to live till they d’ed a natural deatli, so as to show the* world what a magnificently healthy country Texas really is.” Lightning has been accused of some, strange freaks lately. One day last week it struck a Jersey editor in the throat, and passed down to his stomach. He paid his 10 cents and it didn’t hurt him a bit. When the girl who has encouraged a young man for about two years suddenly turns around and tells him that she can never be more than a sister to him, he can for the first time see the freckles on his nose. A swain wrQte to his friend: “You asked what kind of game I am playing with Jack Graham for Clarissa’s hand. I have to say in reply that it is a game of double or quits, and the result is I double and he quits.” “Never leave what you undertake until you can reach your arms around it and clench your hands on the other side!” says a recent published book for young men. Very good advice; but what if she screams? An unfortunate nc istake—Magistrate, “You are charged with having emptied a basin of water over the plaintiff.” Irish woman: “Sure, yer honor, ye must forgive me; in the dark I took the gentleman for me husband.” A poetess sings, “I love thee every hour.” That’s right. Girls who love a fellow only four or five hours out of the twenty-four, and bestow their affections upon several other chaps uuring the remaining hours of the dayare what the New York custom officers would call “fraud in silk.” They should love him every hour, or not at all. .

Little Billy has been taken to see his old uncle, who is so deaf that he cannot hear a single word without recourse to his ear-trumpet. Billy watches the movements of his instrument for some time with great interest, and then exclaims: “Mamma, what does uncle try all the time to play the horn with his ear for, when he can’t make it go?” A Yorkshire trainer lately revealed his method of meeting a conjugal storm. His plan, he said, was to keep silent and nod his acquiescence to everything, no matter what was said by his spouse. “Yes,” remarked one of his friends, “but then she has it all her own way.” “Just so,” replied the Tyke, with satisfaction; “and nothing annoys her so much. There is nothing women hate like a walk over.” A bold, bad burglar recently broke into the house of an editor in the watches of the night. The editor awakened and questioned the intruder: “What do you want here? What look you for?” Said the burglar, gruffly, “Money.” “Hold on a minute,” quoth the editor, “and I will help you; I’ve been looking myself for ten years, hut perhaps the two of us may have better luck.” Then was the burglar much disgusted, but the editor called it a joke, and insisted that the burglar ought to set ’em up. A friend and neighbor has a relative, a practical Christian, who has a practical way of putting things. Recently the subject of death-bed repentance was under discussion; when she said: “Some men think they can live any kind of life, yet save their souls by a so-called repentance a few hours before death; put I have my doubts as to how that kind of washing will dry when hung out on the heavenly, clothes-line.”

How is this bud of posey, from a tender Sabbaih school plant—a little gyurl who is destined to fill country papers and autograph albums and—waste baskets with ner later efflorescence? \\ . Oh, what a thing la love! It coineth from above, 1 And ’lighteth like a dove On some. , Bat some It never hits, * J* Except to give them fits And take away their wits— WV ' Oh, hum! Mother to her daughter just seven years old—“ What makes you look so sad, Carrie?” “Carrie, looking at her baby brother three weeks old—“I was just thinking that in about ten years from now, when I shall be entering company, and having beaux, that brother of mine will be just old enough to bother the life out of ms.” There was an old gent of Rhode Island. Who got a most terrible bile, and He scowled, and he growled, and most horribly howled— Did this crabbed old gent of Rhode Island-' An English writer has been sharply criticising the management of the London public schools, known as the “Board Schools,” and produces the* following specimens of the written examinations of some of the scholars: Question—“ Where is Turin?” Answer—“ Tureen is the eapiptal of Cliiner; the peepul there lives on burds nests and has long tails.” Question—- “ What do you know of the patriarch Abraham?” Answer—“He was the father of Lot and ad tew wifes, wun was called Hishmale and the t’other Haygur. He kept wun at home and he turned the t’other into the desert, where she became a pillow of salt in the day time am 1 p nfflow of fire at nite.”