Rensselaer Standard, Volume 1, Number 17, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 11 October 1879 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

Faults are tjie only things in some people that are not false. The first fruits of marriage Is the apple of its parents’ eyes, when it isn't a pear of twins. “How dare you swear before me?” asked a man of his son recently. “How did I know you wanted to swear first,” said the spoiled urchin. How doth the little busy bee? Oh, as well as can be expected under the circumstances. We've just mashed him for unfolding his interest-sting tail, ding bat him.

The bell-punch is generally supposed to be a modern invention, but it was evidently in use in Mackbeth’s time, from the fact that he says: “Go bid thy mistress, when my drink is ready, she strike upon the hell.” ‘‘lf Lincoln had not died,” exclaimed apolitical orator, “what would he have been to-day?” “Alive,” sadly.' ventured a timid-looking man on a back seat, and the tide of eloquence was momentarily checked. Miss An&linede Fulkey, at Saratoga —“Chawles, why don’t you take a glass of Congress?” Chawles—“l don’t like mineral water.” Miss de Fulkey —“And if your breath is any criterion, you don’t like the other kind either.” r A man who has the cheek to put up “bitters” containing ninety partscheap whisky and the remainder dog button and then advertise the staff as “a friend of temperance,” would think nothing of steading a red-hot lim6 kiln. Two Meriden men are in trouble over the ownershsp of a ladder, and are taking steps for a lawsuit. The result of this will be that one lawyer will get the sides and the other lawyer will get the rounds, leaving the holes to the litigants. He had an auburn-haired girl, and promised to take her out riding. She met him at the door wheu he drove up, and he exclaimed, “Hello! rshdy?” She misunderstood him, and they don’t speak now. Th us slang makes an other slap at love’s young dream. Now comes Johnny from 'school, with “I’ve gut to have a new slate and a pencil, and a sponge and a second reader, and teacher want me to study geography, and I’ll have to have an atlas, and the new boy got a licking, and say ms; won’t you ask pa to buy the books this noon, because I’m in a hurry, and all the rest of the boys have got their’n.”

“Doctor,” sobbed a Louisville woman at the bedside of her husband, “is there no hope? How long can helive?’ The medicine man shook his head sadly, “Possibly three hours; not longer than six.” She left the room, and a few minutes later a pistol shot rang out from another part of the house. The woman was found dead, shot through the brain, with a note pinned on her bosom: “The curious may know that I die willingly and by my own hand. The doctor has told me that my husband can not live. I feel that I must be in the other world to receive him when he reaches it; there is no telling what might happen if his first wife were to get hold of him before I did.” But the most singular feature of this Sueer case was. that the husband accientally heard of his wife’s death and got well.