Rensselaer Standard, Volume 1, Number 15, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 September 1879 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

Cincinnati school-boy's- thought—- “ Wonder whether Napoleon ever sat down on a pin withouthoUerin' ?” A recent picnic was turned into a hollow mockery by every fellow remembering to bring a corkscrew and dependingon somebody else to farnlsh the bottle. > “We wish,” says a Texas newspaper, “that a few of our citizens could be permitted to live till they die a natural death, so as to show the world what a healthy country Texas really is.” “Green street!” called out the conductor. “Green’B treat, eh I” ejaculated an inebriated individual iu the corner of the car, “all right (hie), just as lieve drink off of Green (hid)' ’s any other man.” At a ‘uneral service in Slawson last week, the minister, in his remarks, was dwelling upon the loss to the husband of tne deceased, when that worthy spoke un: “Never mind me. Just throw your nest on the corpse.” “I’m a rutabaga, and here’s where I plant myself,” said a tramp as he entered a farmhouse near Freeport, Illinois, and seated himself at the table. “We allers bile ours,” said the farmer’s wife, and soused him with a dish panful of boiling water. They were out driving. Said Theodore, “What tree, Angelina, bears the most precious fruit?”- Angelina—“Oh, Dory, I can’t tell, unless it is a cherrytree!” Theodore looked unutterable sweetness as he gazed Into Angelina’s eyes and said, “Tne axle-tree, darling!” Class in the agricultural college— Professor—ls there any way to obtain good fruit without grafting or budding? tudent—Yes, sir. Professor—Please explain the process. Student—Watch your chance, and when tne farmer goes to dinner crawl over in the orchard and steal it. Willie, aged 10, and Jemmy, aged 6, were playing together. One of them was minutely examing a fly. “I wonder how God made him!” he exclaimed. “God don’t make flies as carpenters make things,” observed the other boy. “God said let there be flies and there is flies.” A sobbing English lady, who had Just lost her husband, asked the clergyman of her parish whether relative?are able to find one another readily In the next world. He -said emphatically that they will be reunited at once. “Then,” said she, “his first wife has got him by this time.” All the spelling reforms of all the men in all the world will hot succeed in lessening the intensity of the schoolboy’s affection who scrawls on his slate with a broken pencil, “Iluvyou,” and hands it across the aisle, with is big apple, to a pretty little blue-eyed girl who reads iu the Second Reader. James Liar and Henry Slander are citizens of Dubuque, lowa. They have their little jokes between them, for when they meet the former says, “Well, well, here I’ve met a Slander right on the street,” and Slander retorts with, “you’re au old Liar.” Then each shake hands, giggle over the joke and walk off. - tr