Rensselaer Standard, Volume 1, Number 9, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 August 1879 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

The astute New York Tribune says clairvoyants always see beforehand af“Ninety and nine" folks in the hundred make a mistake when they cut off a dog’s tail. They preserve the wrong end. Scan dal-mon gers may learn this lesson from the frog—once overpassed the season of his adolescence, he gives up tail-bearing. Troy boasts of a man with so many dead languages in his head that to be in the same room with him is worse than having an interview with Limburger cheese. A son of General Pillow, who lives in Arkansas, was bitten by a rattlesnake the other day, and immediately swallowed a quart of raw whisky. The snake is dead. An Insurance agent is a good deal of a bore, but he isn’t a*gimlet to the man who is sure that your mother and his father were grandmothers to each other—or some such relationship. t “Whin do yez intend to go back/ Mike?" asked one exile of another. “If I live till I doye, and God knows whither I will ot not, I intend to view ould Ireland once more before I lave this country."

It is dangerous work for women to play with souls.—Francis Hodgson Burnett. Stay, mother, stay, whate’er may hap; remember your nervous “flipper;” remove the lad from off your lap, nor play with sole of slipper. ; One day last week a North HUI man made a wager that lie could eat thirty eggs in thirty minutes. He lost the <money. The first egg did the business ’ for him. It was. no young, giddy, ioexperienced egg. It was a venerable old sage, and it did it with its little hatch’t. The boy stewed on tbe burning deck, He wished that he were dead, Till all of a sudden into the river He dashed heels over head. The steamer steamed upon its way, The boy,Oh! where was heT He was kicking his heels in the tumbling surf As jolly as he could be. In a little town is Missouri a lady teacher was exercising a class of juveniles in mental arithmetic. She commenced the question, “If you by a cow for $10—” when up came a little hand. “Whatis it. Johnny?” “Why ; rou can’t buy nakind of a cow for $lO. Father sold one for S6O the other day, and she was a regular old scrub at that.”

Lives there a boy with soul so dead Who never to his ma has said. “ Gimme a piece of buttered bread?” Lives there a ma with soul so dead Who never to her boy has said, “ Come now, bubby, get off to bed!” And is there boy that is not dead Who does not need a piece of bread, Or ever wants to go to bed? A correspondent wants to know i wearing a hat tends to make a person bald. We believe it does. Woman don’t wear hats and they are not bald, at least they do not wear them on their heads, and so they are not bald there. Hats destroy hair. A woman’s hat is worn on the back of her head, and that is the reason why women have to buy so much back hair. A mother leaves a pail of scalding water on tiie floor, and the little child backs up against it, sits down and immediately goes to be ffn angel. The fond father allows his baby son toplay with a revolver, and usually the little felloW pulls out to meet the girl that sat down in the scalding water And then the sympathetic neighbors call around to discuss the affairs as dispensations of Providence. “Good afternoon, my dear friend; I am delighted to see you. Aud to what am I indebted for the pleasure of thia visit?” “I’ll tell you that presently;, but first permit me to embrace your charming child. Cun’! 1. my uttle man?” “Yes, sir; if you’ll promise not to cut Into papa.” “Cut into papa?” “Yes; ’cause papa said, when he saw you coming, ‘Here comes that fellow to bore me again!’ ” Perhaps no American school-boy’s composition has ever put “the Father of His Country” on a stranger moral basis than thia—the letter appears in a ' transatlantic cotemporary: “George Washington was a little boy what once lived in Verginny what had a nax give him by his ole man. Wen Georges old man foun out what Gteorge an the nother boy done, he called George too him an he see. George Washington who cutted the bark oten the cherry tree? Georgeses i did. Tha old man sals you did George see I did and i cannot tell a IL Why can’t you tell all sals the old man. Coz sais George il i tell a 11 this here fellarl blow on me an then ill be spanked twict Thats rite sals the old man whenever Ser get in to trouble the eftyist way out i tha best."