Rensselaer Standard, Volume 1, Number 8, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 9 August 1879 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

Ajax defied the lightning, but it is worthy of remark that the Jersey variety was not then invented. Men drink whisky and imagine that they are strong and great, but it is all in their rye. .Hanging is capital punishment, especially when you’re hanging on some good looking girl’s arm. A sign not a hundred miles away reads: “ Coughins for sale here.’ That’s like consumption, Its a bad coffin spell. “Darling husband.” she said, “am 1 not your treasure?” “Certainly,” he replied, “and I should like to lay you up in Heaven.” “In the bright complexion of my youth I’ll have no such word as pale,” and she reached for the rouge box with the clutch of an angel. A college orator in a spike-tailed coat points the way to true greatness, and tnen goes and rents himself as a pitcher for a professional nine. The weather is not only unreliable but unprincipled. Last Sunday it rained all day on a camp meeting and shone all day Monday on a circus. A doctor to his son: “Johnny, wouldn’t you like to be a doctor?” “No, father.” “Why not, my son?” “Why, father, I could not even kill a fly.” Old lady: “Ah, you bad boy, draggin’ your little brother along like that. B’posin’ you was to kill him?” Bad boy: “Don’t care; got another indoors.”

Next season’s feminine hat will be run through a threshing machine, passed over a buzz-saw. buried under a flower garden, and named **The Last -Hope.” ” If you take your girl to a saloon, treat heron apple turn-overs; try one first, and see if there is any apple in it. A feigned tart never won a fair lady. A publisher offered SI,OOO for a story that would make his hair stand on ena. Many tried for the money; but nobody jjotß, because the publisher was totally A young lady, the other evening, kissed in tne dark a young man whom she mistook for her lover. Discovering the mistake, she said, “It’s not he, but it’s nice.” When asked how the ladies were dressed at a fashionable party, the other evening, a modest youth replied: “About as much as an oyster on the half-shelL” Cipher Is the very appropriate name of a New Hampshire oallooDist who has inveuted a new air ship. We suppose be is, iu all that the term implies, an airy naught. A Virginia editor, lately married, has become a preacher, while a Massachusetts minister has become a horse jockey. One was a take miss, and the other a mistake. ‘•When the swsllowh homeward fly,” “When the bloom is on the rye,’, “And the corn is gently waving Annie dear,” “I will meet yon at the gate,” Though It may be rather late, And for the 100th time pour tally In yonr ear. It is a little singular, although no less true, that one small but well-con-structed fly will do more toward breaking up a man’s afternoon nap than the out-door racket of a full brass band.

The idea of Professor Swift getting out of bed at 1 a. m. to go hunting for new planets! And when he captures one he can’t sell it for fifteen cents. There is more money in clams. ; Bays the Captain to Pat; “Come, til have none o’ that!” . As Faddy of whisky was drinking his fill. With a satisfied sigh, As he finished the “rye,” Bays Faddy; “be Jabbers, I don’t think you will I” “Mamma,” remarked an interesting infant of four, “Where do you go when you die?” “One can’t lie quite certain, darling. How can mamma tell? She has never died yet.” “Yes; but haven’t you studied geography?” A London newspaper relates that when a Frenchman, who fell overboard from the steamer which took the Cobden Club back from Greenwich, was rescue! and retured to the deck, the first thing he courteously said was that he hoped he had not kept the steamer waiting. “Have you any objects of interest in the vicinity?” the tourist asked the Burlington map. “I have! I have!” eagerly replied the other; “but I can’t get at it to show it to you. It’s a ninetv days’ note, and its down In the bank now, drawing interest like a horse car or a mustard plaster.” This is the season of the year where the good little boy refuses to go in bathing with his companions, because his mother forbid him. stays on the bank to mind their clothes, and scoots for home after tying knots in the sleeves of their trousers. A little daughter of a Connecticut clergyman was left to “tend door.” and, obeying the summons of the bell, she found a gentleman on the steps, who wished to see her father. “Father isn’t in,” she said, “butifit’sanythlngabout your soul, I can attend to you. I know the whole plan of salvation.” 1 A bashful lover trie# to woo A maiden fair and slender, Bhe trifled at the Interview, And scorned his accents tender. Bald be aside—“l will Invent A little necromancy, And lannch at her a compliment, To try and catch her fancy. Quoth she, with careless unconcern, “Your words they may be true, sir, I wish thatx oould Make return. And say the same of yon, sir.” “Oh, yon can do that very -Well, And do it now—provided - That yon make np your mind to tell As big a fie as I <yd ”