Rensselaer Standard, Volume 1, Number 4, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 12 July 1879 — AN ESSAY ON WOMAN. [ARTICLE]

AN ESSAY ON WOMAN.

After man came Woman. And she has been after him ever £inc£. She is a person of poor extraction, btflUg made of man’s rib. I don't know why jAdam wanted to fool away his ribs that way, but I suppose he was not accountable for all he did. It costs more to keep a woman than three dogs and a shot gun But she pays you back with interest, by giving you a house full of children to keep you awake at nights and smear molasses candy over your Sunday eost. Besides a wife is a very convenient article to have around the house. She is handy to swear at whenever you cut yourself with a razor, and don’t feel like blaming yourself. Woman is the superior being in Massachusetts. There are about sixty thousand more of her sex than miles in that state. This aceouuts for the terrified, hunteddown expression of the single men who emigrate from lire east. Woman was not creiWeJ per feet. She had her faults—such ah false hair, false complexion, and so on. But she is a great deal tefier fhsry her neigh boi and she knows it. Ere was a woman. She must have been a model »wife, foo', for it cost Adam nothing to keep her in clothes.

Still I don’t think she was happy. She couldn’t go to sewing circles and air her information about everybody she knew, nor eXeite tne envy of other ladies by wearingl her new winter bonnet to church. Neither Could she hang over the back fence and with her near neighbor. > AH these blessed privileges were denied her. Poor EXe! Sire’s d6iid now. And tire fashion she inaugurated- is dead now, too: * W R hndzPt beCn for’ the confounded •-snaik’’perhaps the ladies of the present day would dress'as economically as EvedicTF Bnt the ofily place where her primitive style is emulated is ill certain portions of Africa, where the women consider themselves in full dreis when they have on' but a postage ctafiip stile It in she center' of tl?«ir foreheads. , What a beautiful example in simplicity of dress is shown some of the followers of fashion by that domestic animal, the cat, which rises in the morning, washes its face with its right hand-, gives its (nil .tluce tremendous jerks, and is already dressed- for tbd day* Woman is endowed with a fVemtindous fund of knowledge, ahd a tongue to suit. She lias the capacity for learning everything she was divinely intended to know, and a few extra items besides. Young ladies take a good deal of stock in classes and learn fust. When you see a young lady student from Yassar, with an absorbed look in her eye, and her lips moving, you understand at once that she is memorizing a passage from Virgil. ” But perhaps a closer inspection will revenl the fact that she is only chewing gum. A woman may not be aide to sharpen a lead pencil, or hold an umbrella, but. she can pack more articles into a tiui k than a man can into a one-horse wagon. The happiest period of woman’s life is when she is making ber wedding garments. The saddest is when her husband comes home late at night, to her from the front door steps to throw out a handful of keyholes of different sixes.

There is some curiosity in feminine nature. For instance, I once knew a young lady who could easily pass another one on the street without looking around to see wliat she had on. Poor thing! She was blind. One of the worst habits a woman can get into is a riding hubit. But it is not much worse than the modern walking dress, which ladies persist in wear ing on the streets. When a woman approaches the crossing she pauses for one fleeting moment, gives a sudden kick that would tire the envy of a Mexican musSaog, and catches her train on the fly. Tho average age of woman is about twenty-two. She never lives to be very old. Some of them look to be well advanced in years, but you should not judge by appearances. If you will take the trouble to ask a woman how old she is, you will get at the real facts of the matter. And discover that she is quite young. She seldom passes her thirtieth birthday. About that time she begins to tear out certain leaves in the family bible. Scientific- men arc trying to explain wjjy women can't throw stones with the force and precision of the sterner sex. This is glaring nonsense. Women may not be able to thrbw stones with-force and precision, but they cau hit tho mark every time with a gridiron or a stick of stove wood. Experience has taught me that. Women, as a general thing, are' hard to manage. I know of but one way to keep a woman in check. And that is for her to dress in gingham.