Rensselaer Standard, Volume 1, Number 4, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 12 July 1879 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

The postage stamp knows its piace after it has been Once licked. An ancient way of rocking a man to sleep was stoning him to death J v If the planets ever have to give to each other a lift, how much will the sun rays. A new singer hails from Castile, j A soprano, we presume—a castile soaprano, as it were. John Hannah recently died in Alabama, aged 136. That was all there was the matter with John. To what base uses: A new’ variety of dog-leg tobacco bears the inscription: “This sveed buy and buy.” “When a man puts an innocent hen to w’ork over a porcelain egg, Ls he setting that hen a good egg-sample?” It was a Massachusetts tramp who, when caught, stealing watermelons, said he was in favor of greenbacks. A Dutch Judge, on conviction of a culprit for having tour wives, decided: “He hash bunishment blenty; I lifs mitone!” The rooster that will leave his crow half crowed to gobble a worm, may not be a musical success, but we will bet on him for all that.

Mistress: Bridget, didn’t you hear me call? Bridget: Yis, mum; but ye towld me the other day niver to answer you back—and I didn’t. The Utica Observer, observing rows of young men at church doors on Sunday evenings, calls them “dandy lines.” Are they just for greens? An old gentleman says his boy is the champion light weight of the country, for the gas is kept burning in the hall every night for him until 1 o’clock. - Now the Bwell In guard arrayed Goeth forth to promenade, v But wilts neatli the fervor of the sunbeam’s glance, . And so no ills collar and his jacket and Ills pants. - “Yes,” said a Texas lawyer who was defending a murderer, “tbe prisoner at the bar will prove aii alibi. Gentlemen, we shall prove that the murdered man wasn’t there.” Lady (to rheumatic old woman): I am sorry you should suffer so; you should try galvanism. Old Woman: Thank you kindly, mum; lie I to swaller it or rub it in ? Says a sententious writer: “They are never alone that are accompanied with noble thoughts.”. Wonder if he is the party that went off accompanied with our Shakspeare? , r “Johnnie, what is a noun?” “Name of a person, place or thing.” “Very good, Johnnie; give an example.” “Hand-organ grinder; because he’s a person plays a thing.” The New Haven Register pensively remarks that when a baby stuffs his toe into hLs mouth, he little realizes how bard it will be for him in later years to make both ends meet. A tender-hearted woman in Monroe county, Michi, has her daughter play on the melodeon while she wrings a hen’s neck. Probably it makes the hen resigned to its fate. Two deaf mutes were married Wednesday, in Hartford. There is no earthly reason why they shouldn’t slide through life as smoothly as a chunk of ice down a efellar door. A timid Bostonian has married a lady whose weight verges closely upon 200 pounds. “My dear,” said he to her, “shall I help you over the fence?” “No,” said she tohim, “help the fence.”

P/obably no man so fully realizes the hollowness of life and human ambition as the man who ladles a teaspoonful of new-laid horseradish into his mouth; under the impression that it is ice- \ cream. 1 The Burlington Hawkeye says that a man dreads the season far “canning and putting up,” and has long ago found a rhyme for jam that expresses his feelings so well that he never seeks a new one. A young man may do a great many foolish things, but he will never wear a pair of white pantaloons to a picnic but once. He will never the large amount of fun he didn’t have on the first occasion. An editor has one advantage over a king. When an editor goes out riding in his open barouche, drawn by four milk-white steeds, he is never shot at by a Socialist. You have probably remarked this yoursblf. The peculiar characteristic of the; Irish flea is thatyou put your finger on him and he isn’t there. The peculiar characteristie of the Russian Nihilist is that you put your finger on "him and you are not there. We are never weary of reading a good epitaph, one which indicates the work of a lifetime, in a few short, crisp words. Here is one, for instance, which was inscribed on the tomb of a cannibal: “He loved his fellow man.” Mr. Talmage was warmly received by Mr. Tupper. “And dp I behold those eloquent legs again ?” exclaimed Mr. Tupper, with tears in his eyes. Then, turning himself around and assuming a couchant and expectant attitude, he added : “Please kick me."

When a man is standing with one foot on a truck and the other on a case on the sidewalk, and the horse suddenly starts ana causes him to open like a pair of shears, the rapidity with which he can’t decide what to do is one of the most insoluble phenomena of human nature. ‘j ' When Benjamin Franklin was an editor he was in the habit of writing _ to the young ladies who sent in poetry, saying in honeyed language that ow ringto the crowded state of his columns etc., but he would endeavor to Circulate their productions in manuscript. And then ne tied the poems to the tail of his kite for “bobs.” A legal gentleman met a brother ' lawyer on Court street one day last week, and the following conversation took place: “Well, Judge, how is business?” “Dull, auU: I am living on faith and hope.” “ very good; but I have got past you, for I am living o“n charity.” . # Many years ago in the city of Cohoes, a German one day sat down to dinner, and found no bread on the table. Calling his son, he said: “Hans, go you queck by dot grozery und fetch me some pred,” “Vat kind of pred do you vant, fader!” asked the boy. ’The man, who was hungry, exclaimed: “Vv any pred: it makes me not any difference.” So the 1 boy got a long, peculiar looking twisted loaf, which has ever since been known as Vienna bread.