Rensselaer Standard, Volume 1, Number 3, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 July 1879 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

. A sheriff being obliged to arrest his father, was asked where he was going, and replied: “I am going to Bagdad.” The Russian arctic expedition costs only 173,000, and it discovered a new kind of moss and saw a sorrel colored fox. Who says that science doesn’t pay? j. m ; . “One can overcome any bad habit if he chooses,” says an old moral law. We’d like to see any one overcome the bad habit of tobacco chewing if he chews. p Irish drill-sergeant (to a squad of militiamen): “Fr’s’nt’rms?”—(astonishing result). “Hivens! what ali ‘prisint?’ Just srip out here now and leok at yersilves!” A man went to Leadville awhile ago, and advertised to teach the guitar, was notified by the aesthetic residents that if he didnt’ leaveqnetty quick he would guitar and. feathers. He left. Adam had the advantage of all his sons in one thing, at least. He could embrace our common mother, without being scratched to death by the pins i that now hedge about a woman. The man that goes a fishing and sits in a camp-inviting posture on a narrow thwart from early mom till dewy eve and calls it fun is the same chap that never goes to church because the pews aren’t comfortable. , A lady stepped into a store in this place yesterday and asked the new clerk if he had any “rock candy?” “No madam,” he replied: “I haven’t any rock handy, but here is a brick you are welcome to, if it will answer your purpose.” “Doctor, my daughter seems to h going blind, and she’s just getting ready for her wedding, too! Oh, dear me, what is to be done?” Let her go right on with the wedding, madam, by all means. If anything can open her eyes, marriage will.” Mrs. Brown had often heard Mrs. Johnson speak of Mr. Nostrunij the apothecary, as a man of fine physique, &c. After that she would send nowhere else for her medicines; for, said she, “I want the best, if there is any best to the nasty stuff”

“John, I’ll give you a good slapping if I ever see you do that again,” said his mother. “The easiest way you - could make a slapped Jack,” and Johnnie kept right along in his course, but he missed liLs, slapping. His mother thought too sweet already. A young man with a flamboyant necktie went into dinner at a botelin Delaware, Ohio, and winked at the daughter of the landlord. The young man is still winking. The daughter of the landlord seized a handful of red pepper aud rubbed it into his eyes. “But you know, pa,” said the farmer’s daughter, when he spoke to her about the addresses of his neighbor’s son, “you know, pa, that ma wants me to marry a man of culture.” “So do I, my dear, so do I; and there is no better culture in the country than agriculture.” If it be true that a word, once uttered forevermore reverberates through space the rumblings of sophomorie eloquence already thundering Upon .the circumambient air, should cause unnumbered collisions of eloquence in the realm of matter, and knock everything clean out of kilter.

Three girls of the Methodist persansion having met together, concluded to pray for the welfare of their lovers; but the first one liad not got very far along iu her petition when it was discovered that they were all engaged to the same man. The religious exercises were at once terihinated. A Cleveland lady who has lately passed a few weeks in Paris always refers to her kitchen girl as her “fllle de cuisine.!’ Her son. will insist on referring to the worthy domestic as our “pot-rassler,” much to his mother’s horror—but he hasn’t had the benefit of a fortnight iu “Paree.” Mrs. A.—“ Somebody's in the next room. I wonder what they’re doing.” (Looking wistfully at the keyhole.) “I’m a good mind to peek.” Mrs. B.— ' Oh, I wouldn’t; ’t isn’t right.” Mrs. A.—“l don’t care; I’m just dying to know.” (Puts eye to keyhole, but immediately takes it away disconcerted.) “H’m! the key is in.” Mrs. B. —“Yes, so I found before you came in.” “Man alive,” exclaimed the judge, in a heated discussion of a tangled theological point with his friend, “I tell you, you are a free agent. You do not have to obey any one.” “Yes,” said Mr. Goodman, meekly, “but I do. though.” “Wno?” shouted the judge, “who?” “My wife, her two sisters and the baby,” howeled the good man, meekly triumphant. Red lights and slow curtain.