Rensselaer Standard, Volume 1, Number 2, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 28 June 1879 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

A double house, with two families, is rent in twain. ? f All jokes on the Rev. Joe Cook we haug on the joke hook until wanted. A saw for the times: “No man should live beyond the means of his creditors.” A young lady in Utica is so refined that she invariably alludes to the Spitz as a “cuspidore dog.” Rain is real, rain Is earnest; We would not stop it, 11 we could; Dust thou art, to dust returnest, Was surely written of thomud. The injurious effect of “forty-rod whisky,” we.presume it is attributable to the fact that forty rods make one rude. ' A young lady was heard to remark a day or two ago, “Why, I haven’t had a woolen hoe on my limb this winter.” That’s culchah. Two men went down the street this afternoon. One slipped and fell, and the -other entered an eating-house. One got shaked bad and the other got baked shad. The woman who put her tongue to a hot flat iron to see if it was hot. now sits calmly and sees her husband pull off his dirty boots on the parlor carpet without a word of dissent. How much more bitter than wormwood and gall it is, when you attempt to k—that is to press your girl’s head close to your own, to be jabbed in the ear by the pin that holds her hat on. A Southerner says, “Now look yar!” A New Englander says, “Now yew, say!” A New Yorker chips it, “Now say!” A.Hoosier puts 11, ‘‘Nowlookee here!” An Englisher get it, “I say, aw!”

A damsel applied for a place behind a counter. “What clerical experience have you?” asked the man of dry goods. “Very little,” she said with a blush, “for I only joined the church last week.” A bright boy was walking along the street with his mother, ana, observing a man with a peculiar hitch in his gait approaching, he drolly exclaimed, “Look, mamma! See how that poor man stutters with his feet.” Butcher—“ Come. John, be lively, now; break the bones in Mr. Williamson’s chops, and put Mr. Smith’s ribs in the basket for him.” John (briskly) —“All right, sir; just as soon as I’ve sawed off Mrs. Murphy’s leg.” “What a roguh fellow thatfSniggins is!” petulantly exclaimed the Hopedale girl after a struggle with the aforesaid Sniggins. “He nearly smothered me!” “And did you kiss him for his smother?” asked the other miss, naively. “When I was a boy,” said a very prosy, long-winded orator to his friend, “I used to talk in my sleep.” “And now,” said bls friend, “you sleep in your talk.” But sonehow that didn’t seem to be just exactly the point the orator was going to make. If the young man who went to call on a girl on Fourth street last Sunday night, but who suddenly left the front door and shot out of the yard, with a dog attached to the dome of his trousers, will return the dog, a reward of $5 will be paid by the girl’s father, and no questions asked. An Irish waiter at a Christmas gathering complimented a turkey in the following manner: “Faith, it’s not six hours since that turkey was walking around his real estate with hands in hits pockets, never dhrammg what a purty invitashun he’d liave to jine yees gintieman at dinner. A popular concert singer, advertised to participate in an entertainment in a Missouri village, excused her absence on the ground of having a severe cold in the head, and the next day received the following from an admirer: “This is gousegreze; melt it rub on the bridge of yore noze until kured. I luv you to distraxshun.” When a man enters a church during the singing of a hymn, and sit down to hear the sermon, only to see the contribution box passed around and find that the services are just over, his feelings are only equalled by the man who faffs asleep in his pew, and in a di'eamy state calls to the minister to “set ’em up again.” An hour passed on, the Turk awoke, And to a blear-eyed minion spoke— Between the whiffs of opium smoke: “What, ho! thou Oriental bloke, Repeat the latest circus joke.” Shrewd answer made the caitiff, for He knew the fate that was in store If he retailed an ancient joke: So deftly pulling down his vest, He bent, with -salaam low, and said: “Great Pacha, all the fools are dead ' \ Except the knave, who bows nis head.”