Rensselaer Standard, Volume 1, Number 1, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 21 June 1879 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

A skunk by an odder name, Schmells yoost the same. The oldest base burner—a mother’s slipper. Lawyer’s motto—“Be truthful and multiply and replevin the earth. “But I will not linger on this point.” as the preacher said when he sat down on the carpet tack. There are few men who cannot tell a long lost shortcake by the strawberry marks left on it The contemplative doctor strolls through the cemetery and sees his patients on a monument. A college graduate is making $40 a day at the new mining town of Leadville He charges $1 for a shave. An amateur singer frightened a pair of canary birds to death. It was a case of killing two birds with one’s tone. The Zulu chiefs have innumerable wives, and when a season of peace is wanted, they rush off to war with the British. A reporter, in describing a railway disaster, says: “This unlooked-for accident came upon the community urn a wares.”

It is said that when Hayes was a boy and played cards behind the haystack, that instead of saying euchre he would always yell “veto.” The best natured man will get a trifle mad when his wife tells him that she made ulsters for the boys out of his last winter’s ear-muffs. Sin always begins with pleasure and ends with bitterness. It is like a colt which the little boy said was very tame in front and very wild behind. “Do you ever go to meeting?" asked a minister of a blue grass Kentuckian. “Certainly, sir, twice a year; spring meeting and fall meeting, sir,” The man who “launched on the sea of matrimony” took passage on a court ship. We hope he won't find it a hardship before the voyage is over. Never use slang. It may not always apply. Listen as A comes into B’s room. Says B: “How do you like my new shoes?” A— “Oh, they’re immense!"

At Pilatka, Fla., wheelbarrows and baby carriages, according to law. may not be trundled along a sidewalk, and yet somebody said the South was behind the age. One of the most perfect beauties of nature is to see seven feet ten inches of man hooked for life to a speckled faced blonde who can walk under a five feet. mark. But then they all do it. A husband’s farewell: “Dear Sal, the doctor tells me that our baby’s tooth won’t be through for three weeks yet; till then, good bye; you always said you loved it better than I did." When a rosy-looking girl backs up to a stranger at a country dance and asks him to whack that mosquito which is gnawing her between the shoulders, it is no time to read up on Chesterfield. Love rules the court, the camp, the grove, and the earth below and the heaven rbove, but it never sewed a gray patch in the seat of your husband’s black trousers. That isn’t love. That’s revenge. “What’s de time o’ day, ole woman?” said a colored countryman to Aunt Milly, trying to poke fun at the brass chain that held her front door-key around her neck. “Look at de townclock, chile. Dat’s built for po’ folks.” A little dog in a front yard will make more noise than a whole menagerie—particularly when a fellow is trying to slip out of the front door without making any noise, and the old folks happen to sleep right over the front stoop. “Mother, what is an angel?” “An angel! Well an angel is a thing that flies.” “But, mother, why does papa cell toy governess an angel?” “Well,” exclaimed the mother, after a moment’s pause, she’s going to fly immediately.” Little billy was told: “Never ask for anything at the table. Little boys should wait until they are served.” The other day, after reflecting seriously a minute or two, he asked: “Mamma, when little boys starve to death do they go to heaven.” When you see a woman going toward the river with a good-sized poll in her hand, and a wrinkle across her nose, needn’t think she’s going fishing. Not much; she’s got a boy down that way who promised her with tears in his eyes, that he wouldn’t go in swimming. A -man coming out of a Texas newspaper office with one eye gouged out. his nose spread all over his face, and one of his ears chewed off, replied to a policeman who interviewed him: ‘‘I didn’t like an article that ’peared in the paper last week, an’ I went in to see the man that writ it, an’he war there!” A scientist tells us that a comet would require 867,000,000 years to pass from the regions of terrestrial visibility to the limits of the sphere of the sun’s attraction, and just as long to return. Considering that it takes a boy about half that long to perform an errand for his mother, there is nothing remarkable in the scientist’s statement.